For Dave Hill, Don Masterson, Don Vanouse, and Tom Loe
Congratulations to all four of you for having achieved the status of full retardment. We who have been fully retarded for some time welcome you to the community. We recommend that you waste no time in developing a time-consuming hobby, such as staring into space for long periods. This is a particularly good hobby, because the more retarded people we have staring into space the less likelihood there is of Earth’s being invaded by aliens without warning.
On occasion, some of us enjoy going on camping expeditions. Each of us, of course, must bring his or her own old-dog tent: I mention this because sometimes it does not oc-cur to new retardees until we are already out of our fields and sniffing around. (When Oswego emeriti go camping it is quite easy to identify Joe Wiecha’s tent because it is the only one with a Pole in it). When we arrive at the campground those of us who are Arthurian specialists must remember to park in the Camelot.
Certain questions of aging and health may be of concern to retardees. For instance, if women experience menopause, what do men experience? Of course, some of us have experienced womenopause for some time. Men have prostrate glands, to be sure, but few women have supine glands later in life, and this condition must be faced head on.
Some of us enjoy travel and exploration, but at our age we must be careful for if, for instance, on our camping trip we discover the cellar-hole of an old house it is possible for us to in-cur a floor-gone contusion which can be dangerous in the countryside. Or if our new hobby is cooking, we must become aware of the dangers of combining certain ingredients. None of us would wish to unleash a pestolentil plague upon humanity.
We who wish to continue our writing habits, or perhaps combine our writing and cooking skills by compiling a cookbook for instance, must also beware: If one cannot get to his galleys because he must go into the hospital for an appendix operation where the surgeon’s knife slips, that might become a table of contents. It would be an index of his incompetence if he halves one’s colon and one is left with a semi-colon. What if one should slip into a comma for a period? After close analysis, can the problem be rectified? When one wakes up and realizes what has happened, should one attempt to dash from the recovery room or deliver an apostrophe to the chief of surgery, especially after he quotes or even double-quotes the price one will have to pay? Should one have taken Fen-Phen before surgery, or perhaps even High-Phen? Will his bill put one into a lower tax bracket? Asterisk one has to take, so try not to have a stroke or go all dotty. One can pass this wisdom on to one’s grown children, make it one’s parent thesis to them; make an exclamation point of it. Use the caret, not the stick! And when eventually one does get to those galleys, remember that the proof is in the pudding.
Well, you worked them all out in that one, Lew, & I can just see you smiling to yourself over all the pun you had doing it. Continued happy retardment to you,
Tom
Robert Schechter. Lewis, perhaps the age you've reached is one at which you have stopped paying attention to such things as the evolution of the word "retarded" into a term that is widely regarded as offensive or impolite, but a man of words such as yourself ought to pay heed and, even if you think it is a silly development in word usage, respect that there are millions of people who find the term cold and disrespectful, even when used in jest with the kindest of intentions.
Lew Turco. And I think that people like you who enjoy censorship should meet your Waterloo and flush with shame. Especially when you can’t recognize a pun.
Schechter. That's another word you've misused, "censorship." How have I "censored" you by offering my opinion? Have you "censored" me by suggesting that I shouldn't have made my initial comment? Of course not. You've taken issue with what I said, as I did with what you said, and this sort of public, free exchange of views is the very opposite of censorship. It's disappointing to see you react with the old canard of "censorship" instead of actually considering for a minute whether there might be some truth to my initial comment. Surely you are not suggesting that there is no such thing [as] an offensive term, are you? I doubt it. I was merely suggesting that you have inadvertently used one and maybe weren't aware of the modern connotations of a word that was once widely accepted. If you disagree, fine, but don't get all snitty and start misusing words like "censorship." (I have neither the power nor the desire to make you delete your post. I brought up a sincere concern without impugning your motives. Where's the shame in that?)
P.S. And puns don't make offensive terms less offensive.
Turco. Yes, your "opinion" was intended as an (ineffective) attempt at censorship. One of the reasons I got out of teaching was because Political Correctness was taking over academe. There are no words in any language that may not be used in the United States of America under our Constitution.
Schechter. Lewis, that's nonsense. I wasn't at all trying to "censor" you, whatever you might have experienced in the departments where you taught and there were presumably people who could exercise some sort of control over what you said or didn't say. I certainly lack the power to censor you, and I don't think the distinction between argument and persuasion, on the one hand, and censorship, on the other, is particularly difficult to grasp. Is it "censorship" to correct someone's grammar, for example, by telling them that they ought to say "me" instead of "I" when the pronoun is the object of a sentence? Of course not. It is merely a suggestion that they might want to conform their speech with certain conventions of which you approve. And that is the spirit in which I advised you that the words you chose have evolved in such a way that there are many people who disapprove of the way you chose to use them.
Now of course, instead of shouting "censorship" and acting all high and mighty and offended, you might have chosen to discuss the question, perhaps offering an opinion that my reaction to these words was based on a poor foundation. There is certainly room for discussion [of] the current status of words like "retard" or "cripple," without falsely suggesting that those who hold an opinion different from your own are trying to deny you the freedom to use whatever words you choose. Attempting to persuade someone to use or not to use certain words is simply not the same thing as censoring them. I'm sure that you yourself sometimes encounter people who use language that you consider to be offensive, but you don't regard yourself as a "censor" when you voice your disapproval.
Turco. Bob, please go store yourself.
Schechter. Now I know why you're considered such an intellectual by people who aren't. What's your next project, The Book of Bad Form?
Turco. You misunderstand, Robert, I merely meant in one of these self-storage units we see everywhere these days. Perhaps you ought to try to find one near a church or synagogue where self-righteous selves may be stored.
Schechter. You wouldn't be trying to censor me, would you?
Turco. That would be selvage of me.
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