June 22, 2012, Special to the Dresden Mills Gazette. By Wesli Court.
Although human beings, like all mammals, are descended from creatures of the sea, recent analysis of the DNA of politically liberal and conservative people appears to show that right-wingers have evolved from mollusks whereas those who lean left are descended from vertebrates.
According to Brian Sykes, author of several books about DNA including his latest, DNA USA which shows that West Coast Amerinds are as European as Cape Cod bluebloods, analysis of the DNA in the brains of members of Fox News shows that they are musselheads. “This is not entirely a surprise,” Professor Sykes noted. “The crustiness of many Teapartiers is derived directly from crustaceans, and their tendency to withdraw into their shells and disregard facts and figures is clearly a quality derived from mossbacks.”
“Furthermore,” Sykes continued, “their shellfishness is manifest in nearly everything they do, but I have said enough for the moment,” and at that point he clammed up.