Poetics and Ruminations

More on the "Tailgater."

Bob McKenty wrote recently,

“My first encounter with ‘tailgaters’ was Richard Armour's Punctured Poems: Famous First and Infamous Second Lines, although he gave no name to the genre. It's available, used, through amazon.com. Bill (William Rossa) Cole did a book of them and called them, I believe incorrectly, ‘bouts rimes’ (BOO REE-may, French for ‘rhymed endings). He gave me a xeroxed copy, which I have misplaced. Tailgaters are the best cure for writer's block and excellent, I would think, for teaching rhyme. Here's one of mine for the collection: Gather ye Rosebuds while ye may, ‘Citizen Kane’ is on today.”

McKenty is spot on. I agree that "Tailgaters are the best cure for writer's block and excellent, I would think, for teaching rhyme."  I am currently curing my own writer's block by posting six tailgaters by a particular poet almost every day on this blog. I did manage to get a definition of the form into the fourth edition of The Book of Forms: A Handbook of Poetics, which will be out next month, December 2011, from UPNE. Shakespeare's lines lend themselves particularly well to tailgating, I find. The first several of those that I wrote will appear soon in Joseph S. Salemi's periodical, Trinacria.

The daily half-dozen tailgaters I am posting I call "Gnomes." Rhina Espaillat asked what is the difference between a "gnome" and a "tailgater." I replied that the latter is a verse form and the former is simply an aphorism the definition of which, in my The Book of Literary Terms (UPNE also) reads, "The gnome is an apothegm or truism, sometimes in rhyming form."  "Bouts-Rimes” is defined in The Book of Forms as “a French versewriting game played by various hands who write verses utilizing specific rhyme-words in a given form, usually that of the sonnet.  For a similar form, see the renga chain."  It is NOT the same as the "tailgater." 

THE CLASSICS

Six Shakespearean Gnomes

 

Nobility

This was the noblest Roman of them all:

He had a stony heart and a lot of Gaul!

 

Religion

 

As flies to wanton boys are we to gods —

There are no gods? Then we are fortune’s toys.

 

Respite

 

After life’s fitful fever one sleeps well

Unless, of course, there’s such a place as Hell.

 

Haruspex

 

But this denoted a foregone conclusion:

Fall into a cellar hole…floorgone contusion!

 

Fame

 

When beggars die there are no comets seen,

Just meteorites, satellites and stuff in between.

 

The Big Bang

 

Nothing can come of nothing

Excepting everything.

 

A Basketball Apology

Once, long ago, in a pretty town named Storrs where I was young and a student, I attended a basketball game and watched my team do this:

 

           But now, tonight, many weeks after I had given up on another team fielded by my Alma Mater when they emerged from Big East Conference play with a 9-9 record, I am forced to my knees to beg their forgiveness, for I watched these young men and their ancient coach (though he is not as ancient as I) perform an absolutely incredible run of wins to become, first, Maui Invitational Tournament Champions, then Big East Tournament Champions, and at last National Champions, not having lost a single game, all season long, to any team outside the Big East! I’m glad I lived long enough to witness this feat and to deliver to the Huskies

A BELATED APOLOGY

Upon the Occasion of UConn’s Winning its Third National NCAA Basketball Men’s Championship

on April 5^th, 2011.

There once was a coach named Calhoun

Who pricked an enormous balloon

          When he turned poor old Butler

          Back into a scuttler

And returned the team to its cocoon.

 

In fact, now that I think about it, I dedicate my original poem to the Butler basketball team who tonight managed to shoot the lowest percentage of baskets since 1950 when I was still a high school student in Meriden, Connecticut.

New Year's Wishes

As the Lapp herdsman says,

As a cowboy instructs Esquimaux,

As a bartender excuses a spill,

As a jazzy movie director signals for emotion in an actress,

As wind breakers warn others,

“Hobble ewe-deer,”

“Harpoon  few steer,”

“Happens to beer,”

Hipster cues tear,

“Hefty peeoo near to you!”

Rheumatism

Rheumatism |ˈroōməˌtizəm|

noun: any disease marked by inflammation and pain in the joints, muscles, or fibrous tissue, esp. rheumatoid arthritis.

Roommateism: inflammation caused by someone lived with.

Roamatism: inflammation caused by travel.

Rhymatism: inflammation caused by poor versification. 

Ruematism: inflammation caused by an old tv actress.

Rhumbatism: inflammation caused by Latino dance.

Rhombatism: inflammation caused by geometry.

Reamatism: inflammation caused by typing.

Rumpatism: inflammation caused by a pain in the ass.

Rompatism: inflammation caused by fooling around.

Ramatism: inflammation caused by an angry male sheep.

Ramatism: inflammation caused by the seventh incarnation of Vishnu.

RAMatism: inflammation caused by an old computer.

Rampatism: inflammation caused by missing a turnoff.

Roomatism: inflammation caused by cabin fever.

Rimatism: inflammation caused by a blowout.

Romatism: inflammation caused by the Vatican.

Romotism: inflammation caused by an NFL quarterback.

Ryematism: inflammation caused by deli sandwiches.

Ryematism: inflammation caused by whiskey.

REMatism: inflammation caused by dreams.

Rematism: inflammation caused by radiation.

Rumatism: inflammation caused by mai tais.

Reomatism: inflammation caused by an old car.

Riomatism: inflammation caused by a Brazilian city.

Rimeatism: inflammation caused by ice.

Rheematism: inflammation caused by a former Korean leader.

Rheomatism: inflammation caused by varying electrical current.

Roimatism: inflammation caused by French royalty.

Reymatism: inflammation caused by Spanish royalty.

Roymatism: inflammation caused by an old cowboy star.

Ruematism: inflammation caused by remorse.

Rambomatism: inflammation caused by macho movie actors.

Raimentism: inflammation caused by clothes.

Raymatism: inflammation caused by the tv drama “Men of a Certain Age. 

Rawmatism: inflammation caused by eating undercooked meat.

Rowmatism: inflammation caused by oars.

Rowmatism: inflammation caused by Baltimore housing.

Rowmatism: inflammation caused by tiers.

Rowmatism: inflammation caused by scuffles.

Roomatism: inflammation caused by a boarder.

Rumortism: inflammation caused by gossip.

Ruematism: inflammation caused by an herb.

Twenty-Five Christmas Questions and Answers

Q1. What is Mrs. Claus’s first name?

Q2. What is her cat’s name

Q3. Which of Santa’s reindeer likes to dress up?

Q4. What is the first name of Santa’s workshop foreman?

Q5. Which of Santa’s reindeer has boils and can’t spell?

Q6. In the off-season, what is Santa called?

Q7. Which of Santa’s reindeer is hopeless?

Q8. Which one smokes like a chimney?

Q9. Which one is greedy?

Q10. Where do the Clauses go on vacation?

Q11. Who is Santa’s agent in Warsaw?

Q12. What is the breed of Mrs. Claus’s pet?

Q13. What is the fear of Christmas called?

Q14. What is Mrs. Claus’s favorite song?

Q15. What is the first Law of Christmas?

Q16. Why does Santa retain a lawyer?

Q17. What is Santa’s favorite song?

Q18. What song does Santa sing to naughty children?

Q19. How would you describe the ghost of Santas past?

Q20. How would you describe Mrs. Claus’s role in the family?

Q21. Her talent as a musician?

Q22. How does Santa act when Mrs. Claus is angry?

Q23. Which of Santa’s reindeer is gay?

Q24. What do the reindeer call their leader behind his back?

Q25. What does Santa say when he delivers gifts in the Southwest?

 

 

A1: Sandra.

A2. Sandy.

A3. Donner.

A4. Elvis.

A5. Blitzer

A6. The Old Nick.

A7. Dasher.

A8. Comet.

A9. Cupid.

A10. The South Pole.
A11. The North Pole.

A12. Polecat.

A13. Santaclaustrophoia.

A14. “Beclaus of You.”

A15. Claus and effect.

A16. For a just clause.

A17. “Santamental Me.”

A18. “Yule Be Sorry.”

A19. Wreath-like.

A20. A Sandrapetal force.

A21. Sandrafugal.

A22. Santafugally.

A23. Prancer.

A24. Rudolf Hitler.

A25. “Hopi Christmas to oil, and to oil a good night!”

The Ob Game

 

         Obs are little furry creatures about three inches tall, but they do many of the things that humans do. For instance, they make movies — what do you call a section of a movie made by a little furry creature? — an obscene.

What do you call little furry couples? — obtuse.

What do you call a tall little furry creature? — an oblong.

What is a well-read little furry creature? — an obliterate.

What’s a poisonous little furry creatures? — obnoxious.

What is a tardy little furry creature? — oblate.

What is the young son of a little furry creature? — oboy.

What is a tardy Scottish little furry creature? — obsolete 

What do you call it when a little furry creature has an argument with his sister Catherine? — obfuscate.

What do you call it when a little furry creature falls for a joke? — obit.

What is a little furry papal envoy? — obligate.

Where is his office? In an obligation.

What do you call it when a little furry creature must urinate? — oblique.

What does a little furry girl call her male friend? — oboe.

What do little furry doctors do? — obscure.

What do you call a little furry creature’s job? — an oblivion.

What does a little furry waiter do? — observe.

What does a little furry butler do for his English lord? — observatory.

What are little furry dirty jokes? — obsess.

What does a little furry creature spend with his therapist? — an obsession.

What does a little furry running back experience? — an obstacle.

What did a little furry creature do when he straightened a wall? — he obtrude. 

What is little furry poetry? — obverse.

What do you call a little furry side of a story? — an obversion.

Who is the little furry creatures’ king? — Oberon

 

What It All Meant

 

The sluggard was so stupid he didn’t know what movement.

The sailor was so stupid he didn’t know what shipment.

The undertaker was so stupid he didn’t know what bereavement.

The tailor was so stupid he didn’t know what measurement.

The policeman was so stupid he didn’t know what entrapment.

The woodsman was so stupid he didn’t know what encampment.

The guest was so stupid he didn’t know what department.

The general was so stupid he didn’t know what enforcement.

The garage mechanic was so stupid he didn’t know what retirement.

 

The realtor was so simple she didn’t know what allotment.

The makeup artist was so simple she didn’t know what defacement.

The seamstress was so simple she didn’t know what disfigurement

The nurse was so simple she didn’t know what implement.

The actress was so simple she didn’t know what engagement.

The cook was so simple she didn’t know what derangement.

The divorcee was so simple she didn’t know what apartment.

 

The contractor was so stupid he didn’t know what improvement.

The French eradicator was so simple he didn’t know what rapprochement.

The Selective Service administrator was so stupid he didn’t know what enlistment.

The musician was so simple he didn’t know what arrangement.

The shepherd was so stupid he didn’t know what abutment.

The medical student was so stupid he didn’t know what internment. 

The sexton was so simple he didn’t know what interment.

The trapper was so stupid he didn’t know what deferment.

The quiz show host was so stupid he didn’t know what bafflement.

The photographer was so stupid he didn’t know what enlargement.

The novelist was so stupid he didn’t know what entitlement.

The essayist was so stupid he didn’t know what contentment.

The fisherman was so slow he didn’t know what abatement.

The madam was so stupid she didn’t know what procurement.

The poet was so stupid he didn’t know what amusement.

The games maker was so stupid he didn’t know what amazement.

The farmer was so slow he didn’t know what appeasement. 

The Scotsman was so dumb he didn’t know what monument.

The sea captain was so dull he didn’t know what deportment.

 

The kennel owner was so foolish she didn’t know what curtailment.

The dissatisfied boss was so gaga he didn’t know what unemployment.

The messy secretary was so out of it she didn’t know what defilement.

The fired worker was so inexperienced she didn’t know what discernment.

Her boyfriend was so inexperienced he didn’t know what entanglement.

The architect was so dumb he didn’t know what pediment.

The obstructionist was so stupid he didn’t know what impediment.

The trespasser was so dull he didn’t know what encroachment.

The cane grower was so gross he didn’t know what refinement.

The novice teacher was so callow she didn’t know what assignment.

The seer was so inept he didn’t know what assignment.

The artist was so untalented he didn’t know what alignment.

The garageman was so stupid he didn’t know what alignment.

The makeup artist was so inept she didn’t know what lineament.

The trainer was so dumb he didn’t know what liniment.

The sports doctor was so stupid he didn’t know what medicament.

The owner of the team was so raw he didn’t know what emolument.

The successful athlete was so new he didn’t know what endorsement.

The siren was so modest she didn’t know what allurement.

The sadist was so self-absorbed he didn't know what punishment.

Merlin was so young he didn’t know what entrancement,

And neither did the new arrival.

REMARKS

"What It All Meant," on your blog, is a brilliantly crafted manipulation of language...great enjoyment...an exercise for the mind...but does nothing for my heart. I can only speak for myself in this regard, as others' hearts remain elusive. I'm constantly on the fence about such things, one foot in brain fluid, the other ankle-deep in blood.


Jason

 

I’m glad you liked my series of puns, “What It All Meant,” Jason, and I’m pleased that you noticed it’s a mind exercise. There is nothing wrong with human beings exercising their minds. In fact, it is the human mind, the neo-cortex, not the human “heart,” that writes poetry, and it is not the “heart” that is the seat of emotion, it is the mammal brain, the hypothalamus: Take a look on my blog at the essay titled “Sympathetic Magic” for an expansion of some ideas of Arthur Koestler on this subject.

Lew

I just read "What it all Meant" and now I'm filled with contentment. How long did it take you to write that?

Ginger

I couldn't begin to tell you, Ginger.

I sometimes just get on a tear and write a pile of things like that, and then at later times I add to it. Glad you liked the content, though, and now know contentment.

If you'd like to see more pun games on my blog, click on the "Punography" category in the cloud box to the left.

Lew

The Tibetan Monk Game

invented by Prof. David W. Hill

Questions

1. What Tibetan monk loves to tat?

2. What Tibetan monk is usually late?

3. What Tibetan monk loves pastrami on rye?

4. What Tibetan monk plays with girls’ toys?

5. What Tibetan monk is a real pip?

6. What Tibetan monk loves pickles?

7. What Tibetan monk is judgmental?

8. What Tibetan monk loves New England folk music?

9. What Tibetan monk is severely retarded?

10. What Tibetan monk reads the morning newspaper?

11. What Tibetan monk edits the monastery newsletter?

12. What Tibetan monk, buried alive, is torn up in the fall and replanted in the spring?

13. What Tibetan monk plays the bagpipes?

14. What Tibetan monk is a used car salesman?

15. What Tibetan monk responds apathetically to stimuli?

16. What Tibetan monk dislikes pushbutton communications devices?

17. What Tibetan monk loves a female jazz singer?

18. What bean is grown in Tibet?

19. What is a lazy Tibetan bean?

20. What Tibetan bean is often pickled?

21. What Tibetan bean is served with lox and bagels?

22. What Tibetan bean looks like Barbie?

23. What Tibetan bean makes people salivate?

24. What Tibetan bean is prescribed by physicians?

25. What Tibetan bean has been crossed with a perennial?

26. What Tibetan monk is recalcitrant?

27. What Tibetan monk is a French attorney?

28. What Tibetan monk is a real pip?

29. What Tibetan monk is narrow and straight as an arrow?

30. What Tibetan bean makes people late?

31. What Tibetan monk is highly bedecked?

32. What Tibetan bean is worn as decoration?

33. What Tibetan monk has a fat face?

34. What Tibetan monk is always happy?

35. What Tibetan bean is most like candy?

36. What Tibetan monk is pretty?

37. What Tibetan bean is good looking?

38. What Tibetan monk is a surrealist?

39. What Tibetan monk is surprised?

40. What Tibetan monk is sweetness on a stick?

41. What Tibetan monk lives in the South Pacific?

42. What Tibetan monk makes a fool of himself?

43. What Tibetan monk looks like Tom Sawyer’s aunt?

44. What Tibetan monk acts like Lassie?

45. What Tibetan monk loves Christmas?

46. What Tibetan monk is like a black tropical fish?

47. What Tibetan monk plays tennis?

48. What Tibetan monk is most like Hurok?

 

Answers:

1. The Doily Lama.

2. The Dally Lama.

3. The Deli Lama.

4. The Dolly Lama.

5. The Dilly Lama

6. The Dilly Lama.

7. The Duly Lama.

8. The Dooley Lama.

9. The Drooly Lama.

10. The Daily Lama.

11. The Dele Lama.

12. The Dahlia Lama.

13. The Dirly Lama.

14. The Dealy Lama.

15. The Dully Lama.

16. The Dially Lama.

17. The Della Lama.

18. The Dalai Lama.

19. The Dally Lama.

20. The Dilly Lama.

21. The Deli Lama.

22. The Dolly Lama.

23. The Drooly Lama.

24. The Daily Lama.

25. The Dahlia Lama.

26. The Delay Lama.

27. The du Loi Lama.

28. The Dilly Lama.

29. The Dowelly Lama.

30. The Dally Lama.

31. The Jewelry Lama.

32. The Jewelry Lama.

33. The Jowly Lama.

34. The Jolly Lama.

35. The Jelly Lama.

36. The Joli Lama.

37. The Joli Lama.

38. The Dali Lama.

39. The Golly Lama.

40. The Lolly Lama.

41. The Bali Lama.

42. The Folly Lama.

43. The Polly Lama.

44. The Collie Lama.

45. The Holly Lama.

46. The Molly Lama.

47. The Volley Lama.

48. The Solly Lama.

 

____________________________________________________

 

REMARKS

Oh, no! Grrrroooooaaaan!!! Arggghhhhh!!! Prof. Hill should go to his room for a long time out after this rampage of punstery.

Rhina

 

He just invented the game, Rhina,

The puns aren't all his, so he doesn't deserve all the punishment.

Lew

P.S. Good stuff on the Per Contra Light Verse Supplement! [at http://www.percontra.net/14lvtoc.htm].

Hemorrhoids

An anal condition suffered by many people is hemorrhoids. What is such a condition suffered by hesitant people called? —hemmerrhoids.
By seamstresses? — hemmerrhoids.
By people who wish to get your attention? — ahemerrhoids
By drivers of large military-style vehicles? — Hummerrhoids.
By Bill Clinton? — hummerrhoids.
By stand-up comedians? — humorrhoids.
By readers of Greek classics? — Homerrhoids.
By heavy hitters? — homerrhoids.
By church choirs? — hymnerrhoids.
By males only? — himmerrhoids.
By bothsexes? — himorherrhoids.
By carpenters? — hammerrhoids.
By bad actors? — hammierrhoids.
By Hispanics named Jim? — Jaimerrhoids.
By the meek of the earth? — humblerroids.
By launderers? — hamperrhoids.
By sex addicts? — humperrhoids.
By florists? — asterrhoids.
By space debris? — asterrhoids.
By folks who live on an English river? — Humberrhoids.
By depressives? — umberrhoids.
By collectors of fossilized sap? — amberrhoids.
By French electrical experimenters? — Amperehoids.
By baseball officials? — umpirehoids.
By tuba players? — oompahrroids.
By Napoleonic types? — empirehoids.
By lirrle devils? — imperrhoids.
By Germans forever? — immerrhoids.
By megalomaniacs? — empirehoids.
By people who fear shade? — umberrhoids.
By fat people? — amplerrhoids.
By walkers? — amblerrhoids.
By stutterers? — ummerrhoids.
By people who live in Arizona? — Yumarrhoids.
By people who love to eat? — yummierrhoids.
By Red Sox fans? — Yankeerrhoids.
By Chinese? — Yangtserrhoids.
By westerners? — yonderrhoids.
By coveters? — yennerrhoids.
By Central Anericans? — Hondurashoids.
By Japanese car makers? — Hondarrhoids.
By scary movie watches? —horrorrhoids.
By hasty people? — hurrierrhoids.
By people who sing under their breath? — hummerrhoids.
By people who don't catch a name? — whomerrhoids.
By superheroes? — WHAMmerrhoids.
By male rabbis? — whammerrhoids.
By people who cry a lot? — whimperrhoids.
by rovers? — wanderrhoids.