PART 1: IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE
(Some Years Ago)
The man on the ground is Petraeus,
A soldier who may not dismay us
Until, with a sigh,
He rolls out the lie
He’s bound to roll out to betray us.
PART 2: A HARD ONE TO SWALLOW
(Today)
The man in the bed was Petraeus;
His tricks ‘twixt the sheets might dismay us,
But they’re nothing at all
To the fibs he let fall
On his spouse while he worked to betray us.
Copyright by Wesli Court
I. MAINE'S GOVERNORAMUS
"if you think the Democrats hate me now, wait till you see what I do next!"
Paul Le Page
Can't act his age:
Mentally four, he
Is physically hoary.
II. Mitt Romney
Delivers a homily,
A homely message
Concerning dressage.
III. Anne Romney,
Though quite comely,
Looks a bit bony
On her dancing pony.
IV. Tim Pawlenty
Had B. O. Plenty
But wasn't racy
Like Dick Tracy.
V. Mitt Romney
Had insomni-
A, thought he'd rely on
Paul Ryan.
VI. Paul Ryan
Despises pie in
A blue sky,
Prefers a lie.
VII. Mitt Romney
May sit on me,
But please take note:
He'll lose my vote.
VIII.
Rush Limbaugh
Liked a bimbaugh
Once in a while
To dilute his bile.
June 22, 2012, Special to the Dresden Mills Gazette. By Wesli Court.
Although human beings, like all mammals, are descended from creatures of the sea, recent analysis of the DNA of politically liberal and conservative people appears to show that right-wingers have evolved from mollusks whereas those who lean left are descended from vertebrates.
According to Brian Sykes, author of several books about DNA including his latest, DNA USA which shows that West Coast Amerinds are as European as Cape Cod bluebloods, analysis of the DNA in the brains of members of Fox News shows that they are musselheads. “This is not entirely a surprise,” Professor Sykes noted. “The crustiness of many Teapartiers is derived directly from crustaceans, and their tendency to withdraw into their shells and disregard facts and figures is clearly a quality derived from mossbacks.”
“Furthermore,” Sykes continued, “their shellfishness is manifest in nearly everything they do, but I have said enough for the moment,” and at that point he clammed up.
In the early twenty-first century New Scotland Yard was baffled by a series of strange sex crimes in the city of London — works of art in the public parks and squares were being violated. From Trafalgar Square to Hyde Park female nudes of various types were being soiled by a human male.
It was very frustrating. Although citizen complaints rose day by day, there were too many carvings of nymphs, shepherdesses, Greek and Roman goddesses to cover with stake-outs. Without publicity or fanfare, the police at last decided that hidden cameras would be installed near as many of the carvings as possible.
Nevertheless, the violations continued unabated for several more weeks before the new technology managed to catch the culprit in the act. When he has apprehended and brought to book, it was discovered that the criminal was, in fact, a conservative lawmaker, a member of Parliament. He was arraigned, tried, and eventually sent to gaol for a period on charges of statue-Tory rape.
What arachnid sucks the blood from labia? — a lipstick.
What arachnid sucks the blood of the moon? — a lunatick.
Of Julius Caesar? — a Romantick.
What arachnid sucks the blood of a divorcee’s numerical data? — an ecstatick.
What is a mean arachnid?— acrostick.
What arachnid cannot be moved? — ascetick.
What do you call a cross between a formican and an arachnid? — an emetick or an antick.
Who is married to an uncle arachnid? — an antick.
What do you call a drunken arachnid? — a dipstick.
A Siamese-twin arachnid? — a distick.
An arachnid with the kissing disease? — a monostick.
What do you call an arachnid named Francis or Frances? — Frantick.
What do you call a police arachnid? — a Coptick.
What do you call an arachnid born in the ninth month? — a Septick.
An arachnid that hates the ninth month? — aseptick.
An arachnid employed by a theater? — a cuestick.
One that performs in a circus? — an acrobatick.
What arachnid did Noah have to deal with? — an arctick.
What arachnid participates in protest marches? — a caustick.
Name a cultured arachnid — an operatick.
What do you call an impoverished arachnid? — a lactick.
What arachnid smells? — an aromatick.
What arachnid prefers French cows? — a biftick.
DNA? — a genetick.
R. I. P. GOVERNOR PAUL LE PAGE OF MAINE
The minority executive who said the N.A.A.C.P. can
“kiss my butt!“ on Martin Luther King’s birthday.
Here lies “Kiss My Butt” Le Page —
The Right Wing thinks he’s all the rage,
But should he analyze a poll
It’s certain he would lose the whole.
REMARKS
Lew,
I read about LePage on Huffington:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/14/paul-lepage-naacp-kiss-my-butt-video_n_809234.html
Extraordinary! I thought earlier you were satirizing (or at least exaggerating) the situation, but it's true?! Of course, it's certain that he would "lose the whole," as you say --- everyone is forgetting he got only 38% of the vote. (Here in Vermont 50% plus one vote is necessary to be the winner.)
Thanks for all your work to further Poetry---it is invaluable.
Marta Finch
Marta,
I think you may be missing the puns in the epitaph — they all depend on how you pronounce "analyzing." I'm not exaggerating the situation, but I sure hope I'm satirizing it.
Lew
Dear Uncle Wesi,
You're a lucky man! For satirists "Half an oaf is better than none," and here you have a whole one!
Bill C.
Well, as someone said, we do have a "representative" democracy that reflects the people.
I still blame it on the Maine Democrats who elected Libby as their candidate, and the Democrats
who were bamboozled by Eliot Cutler.
Peter W.
In the off-season, what is Santa called?
Old Nick.
What is Mrs. Claus’s first name?
Sandra.
What does Santa think of his wife?
No other woman can hold a candle to her.
How would you describe Mrs. Claus’s role in the family?
A Sandrapetal force.
Her talent as a musician?
Sandrafugal.
What is the name of Santa's clergyman?
Father Christmas.
What is Santa’s daughter’s first name?
Carol.
What is their cat’s name?
Sandy.
What is its breed?
Polecat.
Who is Santa’s agent in Warsaw?
The North Pole.
What is the first name of Santa’s workshop foreman?
Elvis.
When Santa calls the roll in his workshop, what do his helpers reply?
“Present!”
What do they say when he makes too many puns?
“Gift us a break!”
Where does Santa keep his spare helpers?
In an elf-storage unit.
Why does Santa hold on to so many presents?
Because he’s quite elfish.
What does he drink for breakfast?
Sanka.
What does he drink when he hits the Midwest?
A Minnesoda.
What distance does Santa travel in the Pine Tree State?
A pretty fir piece.
What instrument does he play in California?
The Santa harMonica.
What does Mrs. Claus play?
The Santa Claranet.
What is Santa’s favorite song?
“Santamental Me.”
What is Mrs. Claus’s favorite song?
“Beclaus of You.”
What song does Santa sing to naughty children?
“Yule Be Sorry.”
How would you describe the ghost of Santas past?
They are wreath-like.
What is the fear of Christmas called?
Santaclaustrophoia.
Which of Santa’s reindeer likes to dress up?
Donner.
Which one has boils and can’t spell?
Blitzer.
Which is hopeless?
Dasher.
Which one smokes like a chimney?
Comet.
Which of Santa’s reindeer is gay?
Prancer
Which one is greedy?
Cupid.
What do the reindeer call their leader behind his back?
Rudolf Hitler.
What does Santa say when they tell him a joke?
You sleigh me.
What does Santa call it when his team pulls an ICBM?
A missile tow.
What is Santa’s favorite quote?
“Snow man is an island entire of himself.”
Why does Santa retain a lawyer?
To write a just clause.
What is the first Law of Christmas?
Claus and effect.
What does Santa say to swamp dwellers in a ravine?
Mirey Chasms to you!
What does he say at the baptism of a descendant of the editor of the Oxford English Dictionary?
“Murray Chrisms!”
What does he say to eelers?
“Moray Chumminess!”
To Islamic astronomers?
“Moory Cosmos!”
To Colley Cibber?
“Merely Coarseness!”
To Scrooge?
“Marley Corpulence!”
On the Waterfront?
“Marty Crassness.!”
To foggy Londoners?
“Murky Crossness!”
To the fiancées of beauticians?
“Marry Comeliness!”
To the Holy Ghost?
“Mary Chasteness!”
When does Santa say, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night?
Never. He says, “Happy Christmas,” etc.
Where do the Clauses go for vacation?
The South Pole.
What does Santa think is the real Reason for the Season?
The Winter Solstice.
Image, "Vielfras," by Louise Dickinson-Brown
The female trumpet soloist was a virgin who had a unique horn.
A topaz cat in a milkhouse is a lapidary animal.
What did the koala
bears say when the myopic sheep rancher mistakenly sheared them? “Eucalyptus.”
brown
chicken
cars whizzing by it.
"That
chicken
gonna get
run
over,"
a man says.
I agree.
My wife has
tried with her committee
to make this
street
safer.
Poor bird
it flies a
little as, triumphantly, it makes it across,
dazzled by fear.
Whose is it? I
wonder
The man
shrugs.
Who owns it?
Don't know.
And:
Why does a
chicken
cross
the
road?
-- Jack Foley
Jack!
Just like Robert Frost when he was a chicken farmer, you write
poultry too! Wattle you do next? I'm too chicken to try it myself, but even
though I avoid it I keep my pecker up by attending meetings of the Coo Clucks
Clan where we kill the chicks with small slugs — sorry, that was a cheep shot.
When I bake a goody for the gatherings I try to make a layer cake, though I
usually wind up with egg on my face. I brood about it awhile, and often wind up
shelling out for a replacement at the bakery. It drives me cock-eyed, but you have to be
hard-boiled about it. I sometimes compensate by penning hen-decasyllabics, or I
go gunning for poachers on my property. Petty crimes like that stick in my
craw, which is why I keep crawfish in my aquarium. Well, I gotta go, but keep
your capon!
-- Wesli
In Syracuse, New York, they were supposed to hold a show for prize felines. The prop plane carrying most of the animals landed safely at Hancock International Airport, but the airport personnel unloaded the cages before the engines had been turned off and the driver of the cart carrying them managed to run them through the still turning propellers, cutting each one of them in half. The people who were running the show decided make the best of the disasster and judge just the rear ends of the dead felines; however, they could not come up with various breed categories — all they could give as a prize was a catasstrophy. That’s the end of this tale except to say that next year they’re thinking about Acattummy Awards.
When I’m sitting in a chair in someone’s house and their dog urinates on my leg, it pisses me off.
It
makes purrfect sense to pause here and check the text for poor clauses. Having
found none, it occurs to me to compare cats with dogs, for there is some
overlapping, especially in the case of dogs, though “lapping” is what cats love
to do as well, but in a different sense, it seems to me.
In religion, many cats are Purrsbyterians, but dogs generally are Roaming Catholics, though some cats are as well. It is the goal of most cats to achieve purrfection, but many dogs are ruffians. Quite often dogs wear the pants in the family, and every dog considers himself to be a wag. Cats, on the other hand, spend a great deal of time developing their purrsonalities. Some more philosophical pussies undergo purrification rites. Purridoxically, dogs usually provide better purrtection of the premises than cats do, and they take multiple bows (not to mention wows) for the service.
What do you call a feline with shorter legs on one side of its body? A cat a-list. What do you call a roster of cows? A cattle list. What do you call a rancher? A cattleist.
What do you call a Saint Bernard in a Volkswagen? A wall-to-wall car pet.
Unwilling to ratify their new contract, the union members reluctantly mousified it.
What do you call a fiery fliedermaus? A wombat.
Use the words “owl”
and “newt” in a sentence: "This morning, after my shower, I dried off with a
newt owl.”
R.I.P. FRANK LOESSER
June 29, 1910 – July
26, 1969
Many lyricists were lesser
Men of talents than Frank
Loesser.
R.I.P. JOHN DONNE
June 19, 1572 - March
31, 1631
He took a playwright’s
child as bride
And wrote defending
suicide,
Used Anne, his wife’s
name, as a pun
To indicate he was
un-Donne,
But he lived longer than
did she,
And lingers still in
poesy.
Published originally in Per
Contra Spring 2009 Light Verse
Supplement at www.percontra.net/14lightverseentry.htm
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