Religions of the World: An Antapostolic Survey

 

RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD

An Antapostolic Survey by Wesli Court

 

The Pantheists think there’s a faun

Or a nymph for each blade on the lawn.

         The rocks are alive!

         And each one must strive

To be home and in bed before dawn.

 

The Hindus have multiple deities

Plus multiple castes and impieties.

         They never eat meat,

         For their cows are so sweet

That they leave them out of their dieties.

 

The Path to Nirvana now has to be

Simpler for Buddhists than it should be,

         For those who believe

         Can simply achieve

Oneness with a lobotomy.

 

The Jainists reject the Creator,

Avow the Enjoyed and Enjoyer.

         Although there’s a void,

         One won’t be destroyed

If only one’s not a Destroyer.

 

The Jews are devotees of El,

The One God who puts them through Hell,

        So they said to the Arabs,

         “You can round up your scarabs

And evacuate Israel.”

 

The Christians believe in a Ghost

That’s holy, a Father engrossed

         With a woman who’s wed

         But still Virgin in bed,

And a dead Son Whose flesh is their Host.

 

A Muslim who’s martyred will spasm

A millennium in an orgasm

         That he shares among virgins

         Who enjoy such perversions

With clitorisless enthusiasm.

 

The Mormons don’t find it ironic

That the figure they view as iconic,

         The angel Moroni,

         Must be simply baloney

Or they’d call their religion “Moronic.”

 

Ron Hubbard was aware that theology

Is stories; so, minus apology,

         He created religion

         From his science fiction

And labeled his church “Scientology.”

 

The Quakers are always quite quiet;

They never speak loudly, but sigh it,

         Then when one tunes his ears

         To something he hears,

He bears witness and hopes others buy it.

 

The Christian Scientists monitor

Their illnesses with a manna—tour

         Of fasting and prayer,

         And then they get gayer

When they think they’ve defeated the Minotaur.

 

The Shakers came up with a plan:

They’d be chaste to a woman and man,    

         For while they were waiting

         There’d be no generating —

They became God’s diminishing clan.

From The Book of Forms: A Handbook of Poetics, Including Odd and Invented Forms, Revised and Expanded Edition by Lewis Putnam Turco, Hanover, NH: University Press of New England (www.UPNE.com) , 2012 • 384 pp. 3 illus. 5 x 7 1/2" Reference & Bibliography / Poetry 978-1-61168-035-5, paperback. Available from all booksellers.

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