Poetics and Ruminations

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Twenty-Three

Part Twenty-Three, Final Chapter

 

Thursday, 14th. At first, Rafe was reluctant. I didn't tell him of my idea the night he came over, but an evening or two later Clarissa and I dropped over to his house. While she walked about, I asked Rafe if he had read the Journal.

"Yes, I have," he said, I asked him what he thought of it. He said nothing for a little while, then, "I don't know what to think of it. It's too large and complicated for me to have digested yet. Then, again, maybe I can nver digest it, Cara, because it's like devouring myself in some ways — I'n in it, so are you. There's no way I can be objective," He sat in his chair before the fire, his long legs stretched out on the hearth. He ran a hand through his hair.

I shook my head. "No, we can't be objective. But there'll be a way we can assimilate the book — we can keep it going."

Rafe was puzzled, "I don't understand,' he said, but I just sat still and watched him until a Iight began to break in his eyes. "I: hope you don't mean what I think you mean." Rafe sat up straight, leaned toward me, resting his arms on his knees. I still said nothing. Silence gathered around us out of the corners of the winter room. Now and then would we would hear Clarissa's murmur as she looked at something she'd found. The fire snapped occasionally.

Rafe said, "I couldn't do it."

“You must," I eaid, 'There are lots of reasons. First, the story Charles started isn't finished. We're locked into it.”

He looked at me. "You've got to begin to come out of that fixation.

"All right, then help me. The continuation of the Journal would be good therapy. You're a psychologist. You should know that."

Rafe looked doubtful, but I could see this was an argument he could understand.

"The Joumal didn't seem to help Charles," Rafe said. "In some ways it helped focus his obsessions, instead of dissipating them."

"But that's because he kept it all to himself. If others had seen it — if You or I, or both of us, could have gone over it with him after he'd written a few entries, couldn't we have used the information to counsel him? You and I would see each-other's entries every other day." I could see Rafe wavering. I leaned over and put my hand on his knee. "Rafe, I need your help now."

A few more minutes of silence and then Rafe said, "All right, Cara, maybe it is a good idea."

We'll start tomorrow," I said. I got up and went to the table where I'd put a package when I came in. I opened it and took out a record book, like the one Charles had used, but not as tall.

I handed it to Rafe. "You write the first entry," I told him. "Begin with the fire."

Friday, 15^th. The note of calculation in this last entry of Cara'a, and in some of her earlier ones, disturbs me. I don't know, It doesn't fit the image I have of her — at leust the pre-fire image. The flaw of perception, no doubt, lies in me. One shouldn't generalize from a few incidents, particularly not after trauma, Cara is a beautiful lady after all, like her last name, but she must soon begin to return to a more normal way of seeing the situation in which she finds herself. And I think I see that may be happening in some of the things she has been doing lately. For instance, when I told her about the possibility of her landing the lab supervisor's job at the College she reacted very positively.

I took her down to fill out an application and have an interview with the chairman of the biology department. There was a little trouble about Clarissa needing a baby sitter while we were away at the College and I suggested my housekeeper. However, Cara's eyes filmed over with hostility. "Not her somebody else," she said, "Not the way she acts around me. There must be someone else available.”

I disagreed. “This is a small town, and the girls who are old enough are either in school or they have jobs of their own. As for the rest of the women, they have jobs or families of their own, or they're too old to handle children. "Besides, Mrs.. Wall likes Clarissa, and it's mutual.”

I could see this last remark bothered Cara, but it was true.

Her son, Thomas, who is a little younger than I am — a few Years older than Cara — is married and no longer living in the house. “Mrs. Hall has projected me in her son’s place,” she said.

“it would be good for Mrs. Hall, too," I said. "She needs to feel useful, She's quite capable."

Whenever the four of us were together — Cara and I talking, Clarrissa and Mrs. Hall in the kitchen or another room —

Clarissa had immediately gravitated toward the older woman and could be heard chattering away at her.Mrs, Hall's responses could be heard as well. They took to each other. "Listen to them," I had said once. "It's good to hear Clarissa opening up."

Cara had merely frowned.

"Listen," I said to her," I went along with you on the Journal, now you go along with me on this babysitting deal." Reluctantly, she did, and things are working out well,

The interview went smoothly, Cara was hired. Her credentials are rather impressive in botany, they like her at the College. Officially, She's to begin her work when the spring semester starts, but during finals and the semester break Cara will be going down with me now and then to get acquainted with the facilities and her colleagues, Mrs. Hall, is delighted to take care of Clarissa. I wish I could say Cara is as happy, but that will take care of itself, I'm sure.

Saturday, 16^th. First, a job — then a lawyer because I am beginning to run low on funds, The "calculation" Rafe says he sees in me is merely practicality. There is a strong streak of it in my character.

My main purpose remains ths same. I have lost the only man who ever meant anything to me — the father of my child, who bears his name. And the world, though it may not know it yet, has lost a good man too. I will do everything I can, first, to get the world to recognize that Charles left a living legacy in Clarissa and, second, to recognize Charles as the great writer he was.

I must bear a great part of the burden for Charles' death. f should have done much more for him while he was alive, and I should have done it sooner. There is a deep pain at the center of my being whenever I consider the things I should have done years ago. I should have torn Charles away from Norine while I was an undergraduate having an affair with him. Instead, I bore his child alone and in silence, while that bitch continued to emasculate him day after day, using her sex to erode his sense of himself as a man.

But this is hindsight. I had no idea, until I read the Journal, how Norine became more end more frigid over the two years after I left campus. She turned into wood, into stone. And I, at first infatuated with the idea of having an affair with a writer, and then afterward romantically bearing his child and caring for it as though I were a character in some private biography of a great literary figure -— God! what must I have been thinking of?

And now it is all too late — too late! I must sit here in this winter country and try to make amends,..try to live with the memory of my folly and Charles' madness, with visions of what might have been had I not done the wrong things out of ignorance and youth.

Sometimes at night, in my bed, I lie and listen to the wind moving by the trailer, among the pines, snd I know that the same wind is moving across the cemetery at the foot of Blind Man's Hill, touching the headstones of Norine and Melanie, lifting swirls of snow over Charles' unmarked grave as be lies beside them in the frozen earth, and I think, for a moment, "I should be Iying beside him there; the same fire should have consumed us both, and the aame ice should have extinguished the blaze.*

Then I will hear Clarissa stir in her bed, and I’ll know why I've been spared. Charles Ally will not die, ever! It is my destiny to put right those things that have been wrongly done. I must revive his name and his legacies. In the spring, when the earth thaws, I’ll see to it that he has a proper headstone, so that there will be a place for his mourners to gather and see his name in the living rock. If I can, over the years, somehow, I will acquire his property and rebuild the house in which he died. Soon, I will sue to have his daughter recognized as his daughter and his heiress, These are the things I can do, And I will bear what I must to accomplish them, even to attempting an accommodation with Mrs. Hall, who hates me, I am sure, because I am not one of her own back-country, Anglo-Saxon Puritans. I even suspect her of fraudulence in her liking for

Clarissa, but I will wait a while and let her scheme, whatever it is she plans, show itself to Rafe. Mrs, Hall will exposes— I need do nothing but wait. I only hope that Clarissa will not be hurt by it all.

In the meantime, I would hurt Rafe if I acted on my convictions without proof. Rafe must not be hurt either. He is a good man — too good, perhaps, in many ways. Charles was totally wrong in his suspicions about us. Whenever we met privately, it was to discuss Charles and the things we might do to relieve or diminish his obsessions.

Rafe was his best friend, as he is mine. We have begun, Cbsrles' life, in a way, continues in this sequel to the Journal. I have taken the first steps necessarg to resuscitate his reputation. It is early yet, As time passes, the spirit of Charles Ally will rise out of his grave and begin to spread itself over Frankfort and then, at Iast, beyond its borders into the world that never appreciated his genius. I know what I must do.

Sunday, 17^th. f am very deeply disturbed by the tone and content of Cara's last entry. I don't think this sequel is working out — Cara doesn't say things like that in the daylight or during her normal doings with people, but obviously she broods at night, as Charles did. What she needs to do is to get out and become part of the community, keep busy with things. But she wouldn't pick up on my suggestion that she attend services today. "I'm a long-lapsed Roman Catholic,"she said. I pointad out that the Episcopal Church is

Catholic, but she shook her head. "I don't believe in ecumenising. Besides," and she gave a short, harsh laugh, "I practice witchcraft, haven't you heard?" I said nothing.

Neverheless, after church this morning she and Clarissa dropped by for a visit and some lunch When we were through eating Clarissa went off to play and Cara and I stayed at the table sipping coffee. After a while it became apparent that Cara had something to say. Her eyes were evasive, but now and then I would catch her throwing me a surreptitious glance. Finally I sat back in my chair, locked my hands behind my head, and I said to her, "Let's have it. The silence is killing me."

She looked straight at me at last, "Okay, I’ve never asked this before, but I've always been curious." She fiddled nervously with her cup. "At first I thought possibly you might be,.,well, queer." She blushed and I laughed. I knew what was coming now. I'd been hearing it from Mrs. Hall for a long time — though, curiously, not so often of late.

Cara seemed to be having difficulty continuing, so I helped her out. "How come I’m not married, right?"

She looked at me straight again and nodded. "You'd be a good catch for some woman,"

"It's difficult to explain." I leaned forward toward her, "But I guess the simplest thing to say is that I practice celibacy."

"But why?" Her eyebrows were arched. “You're not a priest..,not exactly. You're not required to be celibate."

I nodded. "That's why, because it's not a requirement. It's a voluntary sacrifice on my part.”

Cara started to make some sort of derogatory sound, but she suppressed it. "You really are some sort of fanatic, as Charles said, aren't you?"

"Charles never convinced me that I was a fanatic, even though he could argue rings around me. No, I'm not a fanatic, just a believer. I'm not married to the Church, but I am married to people. When you are married to everyone, it's not fair to take a wife and expect her to understand that. A wife wants a husband and a father for her children. She doesn't want a part-time houseboy."

Cara began to tear her napkin into small shreds. Her gray eyes became nervous too."That's silly, Rafe. Every woman knows that if her man has a calling or a profession he's married to that as well as to her. What about a doctor's wife? Look at Charles — I always knew his writing came first. But I loved him anyway — loved him, I suppose, because of it, in part at least."

She hesitated, "No," I said, sinking into my thoughts. "Not every woman understands."

"You're thinking of Norine, aren't you?” I nodded and said, “Yes.”

Cara sighed, and the frown marks smoothened on her forehead. "Well, I: do."

Then something passed between us. "You don't believe me, do you?" she asked. I said nothing. Thsre was a quiet between us for a while. Then, "Believe what you want," she said, "about me, and about yourself." It was snowing again out of doors, as it has been almost every day, " But there's something I know — the body has demands of its own, over and above the things one believes I don't know how you cope with your appetites."

I could think of nothing more to say, and after a little while of listening to Clarissa crooning to herself in the living room, I changed the subject.

Monday, 18^th. This evening, when Rafe and I got back from the college, we stopped at Mrs. Hall's house to pick up Clarissa. Mrs. Hall's son Thomas was there, up from Boston on a business trip to Augusta. He is a nice looking man — not too tall, brown hair a trifle long, a moustache, about 150 pounds I would guess, but not really slightly built. Evidently he had been with his mother most of the afternoon and had made quite an impression on my daughter.

Mrs, Hall introduced us — a little stiffly, I felt — but he shook hands warmly and said, "Your little girl and I are good friends. We've been having long talks."

"I should say!" Mrs. Hall stood shaking that professional mother's head of hers and laughing, "I could hardly put a word in."

"Hello, Thomas," Rafe said, shaking hands, "nice to see you again. What have you been talking about?"

"You name it. What have we been saying, Clarissa?

He reached down and patted her hair. Clarissa took a couple of my fingers. "He's got girls, mommy," she said. "I can play with them someday."

"That'll be nice." I looked at Thomas. I guess I appeared to be a little apologetic. "She's not usually such a chatterbox. There aren't many children for her to play with up here on the hill."

"There will be come summertime," Mrs. Hall said, "The place fills up with summer people."

"Including us," Thomas remarked. "The whole clan gathers — we have a place up the road, And we'll be sure to have lots for Clarissa to do. My specialty is little girls — I'm an expert. That's why we're friends — right, sweetheart?" He bent down and took Clarissa in his arms for a hug,

"I wish summer would hurry up," she said.

We all laughed. "So does everybody." Mrs, Hall raised her hands waist-high in a gesture of mock despair. "What a winter."

We talked for a while, and then I took Clarissa, bundled her up, and walked over to the trailer after we said goodbye.

"Do I have a daddy?" she asked — the first time I remember her doing such a thing. I could say nothing appropriate. "Is Mr. Rafe my daddy?" She looked up.

"No, honey," I had to say. There was no sense in saying anything more.

"I wish summer would hurry up," Clarissa said again as we opened the door and Catch said hello.

Tuesday, 19th. The investigation of the fire has been completed. The report says that the holocaust was of suspicious origin, evidently begun by burning brands scattered from a fireplace, but there is no abolute proof of arson. Cara, when she was questioned, told them she was upstairs when the fire started — which as true — and that she therefore had no idea of its origins — which is false.

For my part, I told the authorities the truth as far as it went — that I had come to keep an appointment with Charles, discovered the blaze and broke in. Neither of us mentioned the Journal.

My conscience is bothering me terribly for these lies of omission, but worse than that — we are withholding evidence of a crime. But for all of me, I don't know what good it would do to bring forth the jourmal. Charles is dead with his family, and all that could happen now is that a scandal would be raked over, Cara would be hurt, Charles' name blackened, and those obsessed fantasies he wrote about Cara would be sensational, though to•t untrue. I can do nothing constructive in this whole mess except keep quiet, as Cara counseled. And now there's Clarissa to consider as well.

The report has been turned over to the lawyers and the insurance companies. There is a good deal of whispering going on among my parishioners — among all the townsfolk. I've overheard an obscene joke about Cara and Charles — l'm afraid I lost my temper with the two old mejn who were sharing it. Rather than back down, they merely looked quizzically at me and one said, "Well, Rsverend, maybe they take to things like this easier down at College, but this is Frankfort."

As I turned away I heard the other whisper at a deaf man's volume, "Where there's smoke..,," The other grunted. I walked away in a rage. Mrs. Hall had been with me. The incident took place in the grocery store where we had come to shop for both of us, and Mrs. Hall heard the whole exchange. I paid the bill snd carried the parcels out. As I left I heard my housekeeper going at it hot and heavy with the old-timers. When she came out to the car I noticed her face was flushed and her lips were glinting. Cara is wrong about her.

I don't know how long the litigation will go on, but as long as it does, and perhaps for loneer, we can expect more of this. I hurt badly for so many.

Wednesday, 20^th. I don't care what they say, but it's getting harder, sometimes, to hold on to Charles, just because I have to think about things like this, about the things in the lab, about Clarissa. Sometimes it seems my head is crammed to bursting with ordinary things, petty things, and the memory of Charles has to be cullled out of all that rubble,

I have been sitting here in the trailer staring at the ending of Charles' novel. Catch and Clarissa are both asleep. It doesn't seem right that these two final sheets of paper should be lying around loose in a file folder. They should be put into his 3ournal with the rest of his last work. So I have decided to paste them in. I have been hesitating only because it seems such a final act, though the pages are just a fragment, broken off in the middle of an action. It isn't finished, and can never be, I know, but it still seems like such a finality.

THE BOOK OF THE BLACK HEART

Chapter seven

When they'd done their yard time in Liberty City, the crew in their carrier moved down into Jax for a day or two.

Nothus took one look over the starboard rail and decided to stay aboard. He'd never seen such flat nothingness stretching out past some buildings on stilts, a road spearing along into the night between a row of neon signs, stars muffled under a haze of smog that made pink haloes over the honkytonks and gas stations.

When be spoke his voice sounded both hollow and suppressed. "There's nothing here, either," he said to nobody standing beside him in the darkness, and his voice sounded so flat and strange that he decided not to speak again.

The clattering of footsteps down ladders, the thunk of shoes on the gangplank, the swabbies saluting at us as they hooted ashore in clean whites. "Come on," said Boats, "get with it for crissake. You'll get crabs if you stay aboard, crabs and lobsters off the toilet seats."

Nothus shrugged and shook his head. Boats shrugged and rolled his eyes at Peabody who stood tapping his foot at the hatch. He shrugged, said "shit," and left with the Gunner. Nothus lay on his bunk staring up at the springs of the bunk above him, squares of mattress quilting down through the wires like regulated patches of cloud about to pour. Nothus had the feeling that the compartment was empty, but he didn't look. Through his right eye he could see the knobby bulkhead that pressed beside him, the chains supporting the tier of bunks. Through his left ear he heard the stillness oi the narrow passage through a double line of bunks, the ditty bags hanging, and — at the foot of the row — the small of lockers.

One of them clapped shut with a tinny ring.

Thursday, 21^st. This evening, Cara Belladonna and I made love,

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Twenty-Two

Part Twenty-Two

 

JANUARY, 1971

Thursday, 7^th. I am the one who pulled Cara out of the burning farmhouse, not Wesley Court or Catch — that figment of Charles Ally's diseased mind. I can't decide whether Charles wanted to be saved, or merely wanted me at the scene of a suicide-murder, to witness his revenge for the immense delusion he had built in his head. I have never known a man more ridden by guilt and failure.

At any rate, it was too late for Charles by the time I broke through the door. I had kept our appointment, but by the time I arrived the flames had already spread from the burning coals he had scattered about the house and had enclosed him where he sat at his Uncle John's old desk in the study, writing in his Journal.

As I stood in the hallway at the foot of the stairs I called out to him through a wall of fire, but I don't believe he heard me. I saw him close the book, lean over, and open the safe at his side. He put the Journal and a folder inside, shut the door, and spun the combination. Then he straightened in his chair and just sat while the fire began to crawl up his back. He never uttered a sound.

I can't be certain, but I believe he had finally lapsed into the state of catatonia that had been threatening him since he arrived here in Frankfort in September. I think — I hope he couldn't feel a thing in those lest moments.

I tried to reach him. I tried to push through the fire to get to him, but I couldn't make it. The heat was searing. My arms have still not healed completely.

It was then that I heard the sounds from the bedroom upstairs, and realized it must be Cara. The stairs were still relatively free of fire, so I went up three steps at a time and found her. When she saw me she screamed my name and struggled to get up off the bed. I couldn't believe what Charles had done, and I stopped in my tracks, staring, for just a moment, but Cara screamed again, and I ran to her. I fumbled at the knots for a few seconds, and then I could hear the fire in the doorway — there was no time. It was eating up the old farmhouse at an incredible rate. There were flames licking up through the vent in the floor from the living room below.

I reached for a pair of scissors on the bureau and began sawing through the cords. Cara was sobbing. Finally, the last one parted. I picked her up and turned, but there was no possibility of going back the way I had come. I carried Cara to the south window of the bedroom, kicked in the glass, and rolled her out onto the roof of the front porch. In a moment I was out myself. I lay on my stomach and eased her over the edge, holding her by the arms, and then I let her drop. It wasn't a big fall. Then f rolled off the edge too.

We lay on the lawn, trembling, exhausted, until I realized we were too close to the house, which was a great torch by then. We could hear the siren on the town firehouse wailing, calling the volunteers, but no one had come yet. Somehow I dragged Cara and myself out to the middle of the yard, between the two enormous blue spruces, and passed out. Later, I realized that was a stupid place to go — what would have happened if the trees had caught?

I don't know how much time had elapsed between my arrival on the scene and Cara's rescue, but it couldn't have been more than a few minutes, When I woke up, I was in the Gardiner hospital, eight miles down the road. It was the next day. My arms and face were bandaged. I asked about Cara, and they said she was all right — shock, mostly.

The flames hadn't really touched her at all. I was thankful for that, at least.

I'm not sure this is the right thing we're doing — continuing Charles' journal like this. It is morbid. Cara insists, however, and perhaps...perhaps.,.it will be therapeutic, If it exorcises a few ghosts, it will be good, but resurrection would be bad — very bad, I hope Cara sees what might happen.

Friday, 8^th. Rafe doesn't know this yet, but the fire did spread to the spruces. They found us Iying between two

torches. I was too weak to move, and Rafe had slipped into unconsciousness. The trees bloomed with fire like two great poinsettias. Lyring on my back and looking up, I could see nothing but writhing red snakes against the night and the cold stars.

There was snow on the ground. Heat beat down on us from above, and chill rose up from the earth to freeze us, I had strength enough left only to untie the ends of rope from my ankles and toss them into the burning trees. I don't know why I did that.

By the time the firemen arrived, almost nothing was left of the house. They found us and carried us to a stationa, and we were rushed to the hospital. I was treated for shock and stayed only the night. Rafe had to remain a few days longer because of his burns. When they released me, Iinsisted on seeing him privately for a few minutes, and because they were kind, they allowed it. I don't know whether they thought we were married or relatives, or what, but I managed to see him before the police questioned him, I begged him to tell them he knew nothing — merely that he had happened along at the right moment. He agreed, though reluctantly, I feel. For all that he is a minister, one of "the “new breed" that Charles so often maintained he despised — still, he is compassionate, and he agreed. There is no sense, now that everything is over, in raking over the coals of Charles' mania.

When I was questioned, I told the police I knew nothing more than that I had wakened to find myself surrounded by flame; that I was too frightened to move; that Rafe had appeared to save me. When they asked me about the ropes on my wrists and the scrape marks there where the ropes had cut me while I struggled on the bed, I told them that Rafe had put the ropes on my ankles to lower me as far from the roof to the ground as he could. Rafe didn't contradict my story.

These are good people. They suspect that something isn't right — I have heard rumors in the village that there is suspicion of arson — but no one is pushing it. They feel sorry for me, I know, although they are aware that Charles and Iwere "living in sin" when his wife and child were killed in the accident last fall. Charles is buried beside them now, in the little graveyard at the foot of Blind Man's Hill. But the townsfolk here in Frankfort v:ill never know the true story, for I was first to get to the Journal that Charles kept.

After I saw Rafe, was questioned, and left the hospital with the Frankfort constable — one of the parishioners of the church Rafe keeps part-time —, I was taken back to town and given over to the care of Mrs. Hall who lives on Blind Man's Hill not far from Rafe, Mrs. Hall, a middle-aged woman, acts as Rafe's housekeeper once a. week and attends his church on Sunday. Rafe had given instructions that f was to stay at his house until he was released, but Mrs. Hall would have none of it. I was put into a bedroom of her own home, and she fussed over me as though I were a child. There is no truth to the myth that the people of Maine are taciturn and distant, She put me into bed about noon. "Now, don't you move," she said, "until you are fit for company." And she bustled about making: me soup and trying to keep me comfortable, She made it extremely difficult for me to get out and recover the Journal, but I knew it had to be dome before there was an investigation. I refused to stay down for more then an hour, and Mrs. Hall as upset. "But the doctors said you must rest. You're recovering from shock." She stood before me, her greying head tilted in an attitude of mortification and helplessness as I got dressed.

"No," I said, "You've been very kind, but I'm used to making do for myself, and I can't stay here. I'll use Rev, Hawkins' house, as he requested until I can flnd a place to stay."

She was hurt and astonished. "You're stayln' in town?"

I nodded. "Where else will I go?" I had no job, no family — except one person — that I wanted to see.

"Could you drive me down to the farm so that I can get my car?"

Mrs. Hall shook her head. "Your car's all right. It's over at the Reverend Hawkins' place. I'll take you there if you insist."

"I do, please."

I had made my first real enemy in town, Mrs. Hall was very stiff as she let me into Rafe's house, My car was in the driveway — the fire hadn't touched it where it had been parked in the barn. She showed me the guest room and the rest of the house, but I knew where everything was.

"There's the telephone," Mrs. Hall said, pointing. I nodded. "•f you need me, call," She gave me a very hard look and turned.

"Thank you, Mrs, Hall." The door slammed behind her, and I heard her start her car and back out of the driveway. I was very tired, so I sat down for a few minutes in the overstuffed armchair in the living room, 'When I woke, it was with a start — for a moment I couldn't see. Then a few objects began to loom into shadowy focus out of the darkness in the winter moonlight that was falling vaguely through the window, I had slept for a long time.

When I turned on a light I found a supper tray grown cold laid out on the table beside my chair. Mrs. Hall had come and gone while I slept. The clock on the mantel said that it was nearing eleven o'clock. But I felt greatly refreshed. I took a sip or two of tepid milk and some crackers, and then put on my coat. I went out to my car, got the flashlight out of the glove compartment, laid it on the seat beside me. I drove down to the ruined farmhouse.

The barn stood silhouetted against the stars, not far from the cellar hole with its cargo of charred timbers. Here and there a wisp of smoke still rose, over twenty-four hours latter, from some piece of charcoal. I opened the barn, drove the car inside, got out, and closed the great sliding door.

In the light of the flash I could see many car tracks and footprints in the muddy snow. Mine would be lost among them. I felt sure the officials had had little time to sift through the debris. There was a rope strung around the house on stakes, with signs spaced around it: "No Trespassing. Investigation Area. Unauthorized Personnel Keep Out."

I knew where I wanted to go. In my mind there was a blueprint of the house, and I knew the safe would have fallen into the cellar just beneath Charles' study. I circled the house until I found a way down into the foundations and made my way carefully to where I was sure the safe would be buried.

There was evidence that a hand had already searched the area because debris had been cleared where I was standing. But who would it have been> for a moment I was frightened – who would know about the safe besides Rafe and me? They had surely  been looking for Charles' remains only, to this point. I began to clear away another layer of charred boards, and in a little while I found it — a corner of the iron safe lying among fallen plaster and a timber, I saw no signs of Charles' body, so they must have found it and stopped digging. But I was terribly tense and apprehensive as I searched. I prayed tbe safe hadn't fallen on its face, for I couldn't have turned it over by myself. I began to tremble. I heard a car come up the road from the village -- its headlamps struck upward through the night as it topped the rise just in front of the house after the road had passed over the culvert of the stream below and begun the long curve up to Blind Man's Hill.

I froze and stooped down. The motor paused as the car drew abreast of the drive. My heart paused also — and then I heard the acceleration, and the whine of snow tires fading toward the cemetery,

I was very fortunate: the safe had fallen straight down and was standing on its stubby legs. I found the door, cleared away in front of it, and discovered it to be absolutely unharmed, though the metal was discolored from the heat,

I had seen Charles open the safe several times, thought I could remember the combination. It took me several tries, but the door opened, finally, The Journal Charles had stuck inside at the last moment lay there on a narrow shelf. There was a file folder containing some sheets of paper stuck into the journal, and in other compartments and spaces there were all sorts of family papers that stretched down the years, from Charles' Uncle John's time back through the generations of Putnams who had lived in this house, in this village.

I took the Journal, with the file folder, and touched nothing else. After closing the safe, I stirred things around to disguise my having tampered, and I climbed out of the cellar. I went to the barn, got out the car, and took an old swatch of hay to mess up the tracks. Then, without light, I drove away. In a few minutes I was back at Rafe's house.

Before I opened Charles' Journal I took off my clothes, found the washer, dropped in everything but my coat, which I put into a plastic garbage bag. I would have it cleaned in Gardiner when I went to see Rafe later next day. The coat was an old one — it must have belonged to Mrs. Hall. She would want it back, or I would have destroyed it. I cleaned my shoes — sneakers someone had lent me, I assumed, and took a shower.

By the time I got out, the clothes were ready for the dryer — they were my own clothss, the ones I had been wearing when Rafe found me in bed. I would have to buy a new wardrobe. I was exhausted when I had finished, and I wanted to be awake by the time Mrs. Hall showed up in the morning, so I put off beginning to read the Journal and hid it instead in a closet. I set the alarm for five A. M. and went to bed as I heard the clock strike one.

The next morning — Monday — I got up, ironed the dry clothes, and dressed before dawn. I made the bed, washed the dishes of the supper Mrs. Hall had made me the night before, and fixed some breakfast. When Mrs, Hall arrived around seven, I was sitting in the living room reading a magazine. It was barely thirty-one hours since the fire.

"Well!" Mrs. Hall said when she came in. "You look peaked, and no wonder, but otherwise one would hardly know...," She broke off her sentence, and a look of pity crossed her face. "Oh, I'm sorry, Miiss Cara. Forgive me."

"It's all right, Mrs. Hall," I said. "I feel well. Please sit down," She came to sit beside me and took my hand, I conquered a reflex to pull away, "Will you have some coffee?" She seemed mildly astonished as I reached over end poured her a cup from the pot.

She shook her head, "You're an amazing young woman," she said with a strange note in her voice. "Have you already eaten?" I nodded. "I didn't have the heart to make you last night. I hope the supper wasn't ice cold."

''It was delicious,'' I said. I lit a cigarette. I’ll be going in to Gardiner to see Reverend Hawkins today,"

"Would you like me to come along?"

"Thank you, no, I can manage. I'd like to be alone as much as possible. You understand. I have a lot of thinigs to get used to,"

She dipped her chin once, looking hurt, "I understand,

Miss Cara," We sat silently for a little while. "Those sneakers you are wearing belonged to my son. I hope they fit all right."

I said they did, and that I'd have to stop at the bank today so that I could buy a few things, "They're just old clothes, Miss Cara. There's no need to return them, even. No rush at all," She stared at the floor. "But could you tell me one thing?"

        "Of course," I said, "How did you get that burncd place on the left one? And they look so clean. You must have washed them."

"Yes, I did. I dropped a coal on them when I fixed the fire last night." She looked at the fireplace where the logs were stacked neatly on the andirons, above a clean hearth. I finished my coffee and offered her another cup.

Saturday Jan. 9^th. Cara told me nothing of Charles’ Journal when she came to see me that Monday, nor did she mention it till after I was released on Thursday. I had been rather badly burned, though at the time it had happened I hadn't realized it. I felt rotten, even with pain killers. When Cara came into the room I was amazed at how calm she looked, though the way she was dressed you'd think she'd been on relief for a long time — the sneakers and an old pea-jacket of mine.

Cara acted calm too, It was hard for me to believe she had lost a lover, escaped a murder, and here she was reaching out to touch my cheek, walking around as though nothing had happened. I found out later how wrong that impression was. It was sheer will- power that was keeping her going. I have never met anyone who had more pure determination.

She sat down and looked at me with those great gray eyes, the dark hair outlining her face like an old-fashioned picture frame. "I haven't had a chance to thank you, Rafe."

I shook my head against the pillow. "No," I said.

"Don't stop me. I owe you my life...." She stopped, musing, and a distant look came into her eyes. She gave a short, sharp laugh. "Maybe you're right," she said, "maybe I shouldn't be thanking you after all," She glanced at me.

What she could see of my face must have looked hurt.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. You're a brave man as well as a good one, and I couldn't appreciate what you've done any more than I do. Truly." She leaned over and brushed a kiss against my cheek. "How are you?" she asked.

"I'll be all right, but I'll be honest and say I feel lousy right now."

"I won't bother you for long, Rafe," she said. "But you've done so much for Charles and me, I wonder if you wouldn't mind doing another favor for both of us — all three of us, really," she stopped and looked at me straight. I nodded.

"Please, don't say anything to anyone about this, no more than you've already told the police."

I suppose I shouldn't have agreed, but I was too tired, and felt too sorry for Cara, for Charles — for us all, And it wouldn't have done any good, I felt, to rake up the embers of what had been consumed in the fire. I still think that' true, even now that I've read the Journal.

But I do have a good many reservations and qualms about what Cara has gotten me to agree to since. It is morbid. Before I became a minister I was trained as a psychologist. It was one of the great insights of my life to discover that modern psychology is nothing more nor less than the old religion, theology, in a new dress. It occurs to me now that I've read Charles' journal that writers such as Charles — failure though he felt himself to be — are psychologists and theologians too. All great writing is inquiry into the nature of man and the Universe, and being a psychologist, perhaps I oughtn't to use a literary term to describe what I consider to be Cara's present state, though Preud used terms from literature, and so do many others, though not necessarily from Poe, but I can't think of a technical term that more adequately defines Cara at this point: she exhibits what I can only call a "Ligeiea syndrome." Excessive morbidity. She may be in danger of following Charles into his delusions regarding witchcraft and supernaturalism.

Cera will read this, as I will read what she writes, so perhaps what we are doing here will help clear away the shadows, rather than reinforce them, as I fear may happen.

By the time I was released from the hospital on Thursday, Cara had moved out of my house and into an old trailer up the road a bit on Blind Man's Hill, nearly across from Mrs. Hall's place, though hidden down a dirt drive among some trees, She had bought it outright for $800.00. It had been owned by summer residents who had gotten too old to keep coming back, and Cara had made a good bargain. It had ben kept in excellent shape; it had been winterized, and an acre of land went with it. There are a septic tank, a good well, and decent heating and cooking facilities. It was electrified, and Cara has a phone installed. The old man had even built a carport, which gave a little protection against the Maine winters.

When I got back hone, Cara was the first to call on me after Mrs. Hall, who drove me back in my own car, It was then that Cara told me about the Journal and showed it to me, along with the file folder that went with it. The folder contained a narrative Charles had written about the Salem witch trials, a lot of notes, and two hand-written pages of the novel he had been working on when he died.

Cara left the material with me — it did a good deal more than astonish; when I think of it, I can feel the prickling along the nape of my neck still. And when I think of what I am doing right now, with this pen…, I can only fight down my feelings and hope that it will all come out right at last, and pray that Cara ill become truly more like the woman she presents as a facade to the public, less like the thin and wandering wraith in Poe's absinthian dream.

Sunday, Jan. 10^th. There is such a thing as true grief. There is nothing wrong with mourning the death of a lover. Charles and I were more than lovers — we would have been married at last, if he hadn't been ruined by his frigid wife Norine, and haunted by her death end the death af his daughter Melanie lest October. Perhaps I should have told him, but he was so ill, in such a state. I was waiting for better times. We had been lover and mistress for two yeare by the time I graduated from the college where he taught. I left carrying with me more of Charles than he knew. It is agony to think that, if I had said omthing, he might still be alive. But it is as likely that it would have changed nothing, or sent him out even farther, into catatonia maybe.

When I heard he had left his wife just before this school year began, I dropped my studies in graduate school and followed him here. I found him terribly ill, and I tried to cure him, but I failed,

Norine had already emasculated him to the point of impotence — and then the accident finished the job of destroying his brilliant mind. It ruined him as a writer just as his sense of guilt had destroyed hie manhood. It nearly destroyed me, too, and often I wish it had.

The inquest is over — what a nightmare, another one. Charles is Iying low now with his wife and first daughter in the little graveyard near the farm, There is no marker yet on his grave.

Rafe was released from the hospital just in time to conduct the burial service for Charles, as he had done for Norine and Melanie. Again, except for Mrs. Hall, Rafe and I were the only mourners present on that cold December day. At first, the undertaker had said the ground was too frozen for digging, but I found a way — it was I who made the arrangements, for Charles who has no living relatives. At least, none he knew of, so I arranged for his cremation — what little was left of him to be cremated. I feel a sense of,,.well, irony, when I think of the fact that he underwent trial by fire twice. It was possible to dig a hole large enough to accommodate the small urn of ashes in the cold Maine earth.

As Rafe said the words "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust," I saw a black shadow skirting the graveyard in the snowy dusk. I have seen it since, in the woods around my trailer. It is Charles' cat, Catch, I am sure, gone wild. I leave food for him on my doorstep each evening, and it is gone in the morning. I hope it’s Catch who is eating it. I will take care of him, if I can, as I tried to take care of Charles.

I did not open the Journal until Charles was decently entombed. When I had finished reading I was shaken. I wish I had realized how far his obsession had gone. He had needed institutional help, not merely the help Rafe and I tried to give him. I wish, now, I had read his Journal while it was being written there, in the dim rooms of that ancient farm.

How could he have believed I was a witch, and that

Rafe was a warlock? How could he have come to think that his dear old pet, Catch the black cat, was a familiar, the incarnation of Asmodeus, demon of the bedchamber? And how could he have imagined that Rafe and I were having an affair, that Norine and Melanie, and the people of Salem village — his Putnam ancestors and their victims in the witch hunt — had come back to claim him as one of their own?

That last scene in the Journal — that Black Mass out of De Sade, where Rafe was the priest and I the altar — I shall never be able to forget it or understand in what way reality was transformed in his imagination into so dark a nightmare, I am glad, no, extremely glad that I stole the book. No one must ever see it other than Rafe. Charles Ally was nowhere near the failure imagined himself to be, his writings will live a long while, and nobody must know how his mind had been destroyed at the end. One day he will be recognized as the genius he was, and I will do what I can to save his image and memory.

Monday, Jan. 11^th. When Cara gave me The Journal of Charles

Ally I asked her where she got it. She sat in my living room on a blustery winter evening. Heavy snow was falling. She said, "Before I tell you that, please read it."

I began to leaf through it and saw what at first looked like a hodgepodge - diary entries; notations from old books; portions of Charles' biographical novel, or perhaps "prose epic" would be a better phrase, that Charles had been working on, copies of entries from a childhood scrapbook Charles had kept. And a long narrative of the Salem Putnams' involvement in the celebrated witch hunt. This last was separately kept in a file folder stuck into the journal, and two final, handwritten p8ges of the novel, The Book of the Black Heart, were in the folder also.

Evidently the Salem narrative had been pieced together from original research in the books by which Charles had slowly been swallowed down on his Uncle John's homestead, and to judge from the notes and fragmentary account his uncle had himself put together over the years: everything is in the folder.

The effect of the Journal, just at a glance, was one of confusion — all those overlapping narratives and pieces of history, together with the diary entries and some old letters copied out. I saw my name and Cara's cropping up, often, together with Norine's, Melanie's, and Catch's. The letters seemed to be from someone named Wesley Court, and they had nineteenth century dates; Charles seems to have believed this person, who had originally lived here in Frankfort, was somehow more real than the people who live here now, for there was almost no mention of local persons beyond a reference or two to the postmistress.

This initial confusion, however, was to dissipate as I read the book later on. Cara said to me, "Don't read it right now, take your time over the holidays. You've got to let it sink in slowly, as Charles sank into it."

It was a strange thing to say. I looked at her as I laid the book on a table, and I was startled by the haunted look in her gray eyes. Her whole face seemed shadowed. "I'11 take my time," I said, "there's no rush." We sat for a while. I tried to get a conversation going, but had no luck. Cara seemed abstracted. At one point she looked up at me. "How is the investigation going?"

"I understand they found an old safe with its con tents still intact." This seemed to interest her.

"What was in it?" She got out a cigarette and lit it. While she smoked she nervously kept tapping it over an ashtray, her eyes moving restlessly, but never meeting mine.

"Papers, Family papers, dating back to the 18th century, some newer ones. A will among them."

Cara jerked her body forward and looked right at me for a change, "A will? By Charles?”

I nodded,

"What was in it?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know, it's been turned over to the courts."

"When was it dated?" Cara asked.

"I don't know that, either. Why?"

"No reason." She sat back and was quiet for a long time. As she waa leaving, Cara said, "I didn't know Charles had made a will. So he had a secret too."

At the door I said, "I realize all this is new and hard to bear, Cara, but you've got to take it easy. I don't like the things I see in your eyes. You've got to begin to accept it,"

She turned to me and touched me gently on the shoulder.

"You're a good man," she said. "I owe you a good deal, and so does Charles. Do me a favor — one more favor'" I nodded again. "Don't worry about me so much. I'II be all right, I promise. No matter what, please don't worry,"

"Okay, Cara," I said, and let her out. I watched her get into her car. She backed out through the falling snow, The tail lights turned the air red, and the flakes in the headlamps looked like a crystal curtain falling.

As it turned out, I was too busy at the college during the next few days to get to Charles' Journal. The Christmas holidays were upon us, and the snow was so heavy I had to spend to nights in one of the dorms, as I couldn't get back to Frankfort twenty-five miles away. Usually it was easy to commute —the Maine highway people know how to deal with winter. It was just as well, though, that things turned out as they did — a number of the students needed extra counseling, as they often do when they have to return to family situations after a few months away in comparative freedom. Too many of them get to thinking they are free, adult at last, and when it dawns on them that no one is free — a temporary revelation, until they come back to campus again — they have a struggle with conscience and guilt. It’s hard to feel snug again.

Wednesday, January 13th. As soon as I got Mrs, Hall's note I drove up to the trailer, which is quite small. At one end is the “living room," which is not separated from the kitchen. The kitchen table sits beside the door, up against the little heating unit. Separated from the kitchen-living room by a sliding plywood door is a small compartment with a bed in it — Clarissa's quarters, it turned out. At the other end of the trailer is Cara's bedroom — hardly big enough to hold the double bed. I had been inside the trailer only once before, just after Cara bought it.

"Where in the world have you been?" I asked her — and stopped speaking as soon as I saw the cat. Cara noticed the direction of my stare. I confess to a creepy feeling as I gazed at Catch — he had figured prominently in Charles' journal.

"He's come to live with us," Cara said, and I immediately felt foolish for being influenced, even for a moment, by a fantasy.

Clarissa was certainly no fantasy. I wish Mrs. Hall had prepared me a little. Cara's daughter came out of her alcove and stood looking up at me while I tried to focus my eyes on her. That weird feeling returned. Cara introduced us, and I sat down on a kitchen chair. I could think of nothing to say for a little while.

Clarissa is a beautiful child — dark- haired, brown-eyed, a slight frame like her mother's but with features that remind me strongly of Charles, a very feminine version of Charles. There is no doubt in my mind she is his daughter. Clarissa went over to sit on the couch with Catch and a doll, and Cara poured me some coffee.

Gradually, I came out of my daze or shock or revery — whatever it was -— and listened to Cara's story. Charles had never known about his second daughter. She had been born after Cara had graduated and her affair with Charles had come to an end. At the time of Clarissa's conception, Charles had gone on a month's reading-tour of colleges in the Middle West and had taken Cara with him,

When Cara had found she was pregnant, she had considered an abortion, but in some kind of romantic undergraduate agony, had decided to have the baby, which was born in August, 1968. Cara had kept silent about the child.

"Then," she said, "last September, when I heard that Charles had left Norine, I decided to come here and tell him about his other child." She sipped her coffee, which was getting cold — I had hardly touched my own cup,

"Why didn't you tell him?"

She shook her head, "When I saw the state he was in — all eaten up by guilt and his sense af failure as a writer and as a man — I felt I had to wait until he got back to some kind of normalcy. Then Norine and Melanie died, and he got worse instead — and then the fire...."

I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Well?" Cara looked at me. Her eyes seemed defiant or something — I couldn't place it, I put my hand over hers as it rested on the table. She flinched as I did it, but I kept my hand where it was.

"Why don't you get the hell out of this town?' asked. "Go back to grad school. This is no place to bring Clarissa. Sooner or later you're going to have to begin to forget.”

'        She took her hand out from under mine, leaned for-ward.

"Forget?" She was squinting, "How am I going to forget?" Without moving her eyes from mine Cara pointed to the couch, "Her name Is Ally. When she wss born I told them I was married to, Charles Ally — and was, for a months; and I: was again for a little while this fall, even if nothing was legal, But I was more his wife than Norine ever was.'

She sat back, still defiant. 'They're going to recognize that fact before I leave, if I ever do — Mrs, Hall and all the rest of these back-country New England blue-noses, Clarissa is Charles Ally's heiresss, and I can prove it, I will prove it, Charles left something behind besides a few poens and pieces of prose. He left flesh and blood. And he left me.” Cara began to cry softly.

I knew that Cara would need a job, so I made some inuiries in the biology department. I gave them her qualifications, and it looked rather hopeful that there might be a need for a lab supervisor next semester. No sooner had I gotten back to Frankfort the day vacation began, than Mrs. Hall showed up and came hustling into the house.

"Rev. Hawkins," she said, her matronly figure planted in an agitated posture in the middle of the living room, some kind of hostile worry on her face, "I've been hoping you'd get back soon."

I looked at her, She paused for a moment, and then she said, "Miss Cara has disappeared."

The trailer etood empty through the holidays while I read Charles' journal, not once but over and over, returning to pasaages to ponder them, Or, alternatively, to find my mind sliding off the page before me to wonder about Cara and her whereabouts. No letters came, no Christmas card even; she had left no note — that was the strangest Christmas I ever spent. For a while I began to think, sitting in my chair on Blind Man's Hill that I was beginning to sink out of sight into the pages Charles wrote there at the foot of the road, just as he had slowly sunken into the woodwork of his ancestors, into the old books that lined his library walls, into the 19th century and then into the 18th, and at last all the way into his delusions, guilt, sex-obsessions — you name it.

It was very hard for me to accept Charles' portrait of me as it rose off the blue-lined sheets to grin into my face like some distorted funhouse mirror caricature. I came off as a blonde, hip, tennis-racquet-swinging phony churchman out of a latter-day campus activist revival.

Even using all these adjectives doesn't begin to describe the cartoon of me Charles carried around in his head. He also saw me as his rival for Cara's affections, and in the end I was a priest in an orgiastic Satanic ceremony straight out of the most fantastic fiction available in a Forty-second Street paperback bookstore.

And he believed it all — or conned himself into believing it so that he could commit murder and suicide by rationalizing that he was ridding the world of a witch and of his own possessed soul.

But even that isn't certain. Perhaps — I think he must have — wanted to be saved in the end, and he wanted Cara to be saved too. Why else would he have arranged it so that the fire got underway just before our appointment for a second go at hypnotherapy? It is a fact that he imagined it so even though, according to his last pages, he thought my pounding on the door was Wesley Court returning to Frankfort from a 19th century stay in Massachusetts.

Unfortunately, only Cara was saved. Charles was possessed. His trauma ran so much deeper than I had thought it did. He should have been institutionalized, and I feel tremendously guilty that I did not realize it in time. Maybe Charles was right about me in some ways. Perhaps I was blinded by pride and vanity into my own delusion — that I was capable of helping him because of my training in psychology.

And the portrait of Cara that emerges! Somehow, I managed to bring my mind back to reality for brief periods — long enough to conduct the Christmas services at the local church, at least. If it hadn't been for Mrs. Hall, I'd have forgotten to eat half the time.

I remember w perplexed she was at my behavior; how, at one point, as she was dusted she picked up the Journal, and I snatched it out of hor hand and mumbled something about neding to write a sermon in it. There was worry in her countenance, but something harder than that, too.

"You needn't worry so much about Miss Cara," she said, shaking her feather duster into the fireplace. "She can take care of herself, I'm sure."

I began to reply — not to what she had said, but to the tone of her voice, but thought better of it and left the room. Nothing I could have said would ave made sense to her. And it was true — I was worried about Cara. She was as much my concern as Charles had been, we were too closely involved with each other's histories to keep the distance Mrs. Hall would, I assume, have thought proper.

New Year's day came and went. School began again, and then, on the evening of Monday, January 11th, I got home and found a note from Mrs. Hall. It said that Cara had returned. "You'd better go see," she had added at the bottom of the page.

Tuesday, 12^th. Catch has come to live with us in the trailer, when he got back we found him sitting on the step, He was as big and black as ever. While I was away f had worried about him a good deal. I hoped he hadn't gotten too dependent on the meals I had been setting out for him, and I was relieved when I saw him. when we had gotten out of the car Catch let out a great meow of welcome and came over to lean against our legs.

It was chilly inside, but I had left the heat on enough to keep the pipes from freezing, and soon it was warm again.

“Mommy?" Clarissa said, "I'm hungry." Her smile was as bright as Christmas candles.

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Twenty-One

Part Twenty-One

 

Monday. When I awoke yesterday morning, after the exorcism, I lay in bed and listened. I heard nothing but the ordinary sounds of Maine in llte autmn -- the wind, the water, the occasional distant sound of a csr or truck on the road. I looked around the house and everything was in its place -- the hallseat and the wardrobe, the fire, died to ash, in the fireplace, everything but the picture over the mantel. I went to look at the spot, and then I looked down into the grate: I saw the outline of a frame laid in ash. The canvas was entirely consumed.

I dressed and went looking for Cara. She was in the basement, just coming up the stairs as I entered the dining room. Without words, we greeted each other, and f kissed her. While she was making breakfast, I went up to the library and got out The Book of Common Prayer. Opening it to "All Saints Day," I read, "And f saw another angel ascending from the east…and he cried out with a loud voice to the other angels…, ‘Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads.’ And I heard the number of them which were Sealed; and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand, of all tbe tribes of Israel.

"Of the tribe of ,ludah were sealed twelve thousand.

“Of ths tribe of Reuben, were sealed twelve thousand.

“Of the tribe of Gad were sealed twelvs thousand.

"Of the tribe of Aser were sealed twelve thousand.

"Of the tribe of Nepthalem were sealed twelve thousand.

"Of the tribe of Paneesee were sealed twelve thousand,

"Of the tribe af Simeon were sealed twelve thousand.

"Of the tribe of Levi were sealed twelve thousand.

“Of the tribe of Isaac were sealed twelve thousand,

“of the tribe of Joseph ware sealed twelve thousand.

“Of the tribe af Benjamin were sealed twelve thousand.

"After this I beheld, and lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all. nations, and kindreds, and peoples, and tongues, stood before the throne, before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands and cried out in a loud voice, ‘Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb.’ And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders, and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God, saying, Amen!”

Rafe joined us for breakfast, snd he patted Cara's hand as she served us. "Everything okay?" he asked. Cara nodded, and he turned his eyes on me.

"Yes, " I said. "I think everything's all right now."

"Good. but I want to continue the sessions for a while, just to be sure." I must have looked alarmed, but he laughed, holding out his cup for Cara to fill. "Don't worry about it, Charles." He pushed the hair out of his eyes. "The first is the worst. f'rom here on out, it's just insurance. I'l1 be along next Saturday night, and we'll have another go."

When ilafe had left, I went out for a walk in the fields. Csra was on the porch, calling for Wesley Cetch. I came up to her and asked what she was doing.

"Calling the cat, of course."

I felt a cold shudder run down my spine. "'Whatever for? He isn't coming back, not after last night."

Cara looked strangely at me. "Charles, what are you talklng about?

"You were there too," I said. "Didn't you see him run up the chimney?" I could not understand why she began to look-frightened. "The exorcism,' I said. "It worked. Asmodeus is gone."

She took me by the hand. "Charles," she said, very gently, "there was no exorcism, what are you ssying? Rafe put you to sleep and tried to make you see for yourself what was botherlng you, He didn't let you remember consciously this time, but he'll start to next time, now that he knows, and slowly you’ll be able to — Oh, Charles. he told ne all about it. You can't remember anything."

But I told her what I remembered, and she is feigning surprise. She must be, I havc worried about it all day. A while ago, I asked her why she thought Wesley Catch has disappeared.

"He’s just run off," Cara answered. "Toms will do that now and then, you know.”

When I: came into Uncle John's study to write this evening, I found a letter Iying opened an the desk:

"Lowell, April 10, 1860

"Friend Charles,

"I received your letter last week, but I trust you will excuse me for not answering it before, I had to write home last Sunday and I was too 1azy to write any more. Miss Tilly Huckford arrived here last week, I have not seen her yet I went to see the H…. O…. last Sunday evening had a nice time, Ellen Harrier is coming home in about three weeks I presume you will be happy to see her, William Weston was here about three days ago, I did see him. As I was looklng over the Boston Journal I saw that the Knotting house has burned last Saturday. I think you had better have a fire engine as they have one here that goes by steam.

I need a nice excuse to go over to the river since Louisa has movsd. I can stop over there when I come home. Wont that be nice

Charle? Is Ssrah Allen in Lowell? If she is let me know for I should

like to see her. How are all the boys in Frankfort? Have they begun to think about shaving yet? It smells kind of fishy here sometimes when the factory girls are out.

"Today business has been very good for a rainy one we have taken on the cash sales besides what we have cleared, I had a letter from Laura Jack last week of Richmond Me. I hear the steamer G was burnt at her harbor, I suppose they will have another on the river pretty soon.

“Give my respects to all. the girls & boys

"You will have to excuse me for not writing any more it is all most time to shut up.

"Good by

"Wesley"

Tuesday, 3rd. I am overwhelmingly relieved to be rid of Bodman. Tomorrow I will try to get back to my novel.

Wednesday, 4th.

THE BOOK OF THE BLACK HEART

Chaptor Six,

The Gunner's Story

         It was the Gunner's mount the sailors were using that night to spin their sea stories on, as the carrier plowed through the star-bitten Pacific, and it was the Gunner's turn.

         "Looking back on things," he said, "I guess life had been pretty good, at least for me, until my old man kicked the bucket. I might've even been able to live with that if I hadn't've found out how he died one night when my mother thought I was asleep and got yakking to her best friend, somebody she'd known since she was in school.

         "Dad used to take me out to the lake for a day's fishing. We'd float around out there, just dangling our lines and hauling in the black bass. When we got tired we'd lie back in the bottom of our big, flat-bottomed scow, pull our straw hats down over our eyes, and let the sun beat down on us. Man, that was the life. We'd be stripped to the waist and sweating like horses. I could feel the sun soothing the muscles where they ached from being bent over the side of the boat. The smell of the fish we'd caught mixed with the pinewood smell of the scow. It was sort of like a nice form of ether and made me doze off.

         "Every now and then a shore breeze would blow by, and we could smell the woods that bordered the lake. The breeze would rumple around our heads for a few minutes, and just as we'd be getting used to it it would stop and the sun would beat down as hard as ever.

         "Once in a while a horsefly would buzz around me and finally decide to land. You have to slap 'em fast or they get away and pretty soon come back to pester you again.

         "After a while the breezes would start to come up more often and the sides of the boat would block off the sun, and we'd know it was time to go home. Dad would row all the way to shore while I sat and watched the last of the sun glint on his skin. There would be purple splotches in the sky over the wood, and the ripples in the water were gold.

         "I was always first out of the scow. I'd sprint over the side, splash into the water, and wade the last few feet to the beach. The sand felt good. And then I'd watch Dad as he got our gear out of the boat and walked toward me. Before he caught up with me I'd stretch till I felt my bones creak, and then lead the way along the path through the woods.

         We had to walk along this pine-needle path to get to Dad's jalopy. Sometimes we'd stop and listen to the wind in the big trees, or look for animals or birds. Sometimes there was a stray bee on its last trip back to the hive.

         "But then he died. I was there when they brought him in off the lake. After that I used to have a hard time getting to sleep. I'd go to bed and just lay there listening to my heard pump blood. If my mom checked on me I'd keep my eyes closed and make like I was in Dreamland.

         "One night I heard my mother in the hall whispering to somebody, and then she opened the door a crack and I heard her say, 'Doesn't he look cunning, all curled up in bed like that? Oh, you wouldn't believe what an imp he can be sometimes, not when you see him like this, the little angel. You'd never believe he has bad dreams sometimes, poor dear, ever since his dad died in that accident.' I heard her sigh.

         "'Poor Sally,' her friend said — I think her name was Smith, Alice Smith. 'You've had a hard life, but it's coming out all right, isn't it? You've hooked another one, haven't you? That's why I dropped in. I'm dying to hear all about it.'

         "'Oh, all right,' I heard mom giggle. 'But you've got to promise never to tell anybody. Some people might misunderstand, but I know you won't. I stirred. 'Sshh,' she whispered. "Come into the living room before he wakes up. Honestly, I never get a minute to myself any more. Come on. I'll tell you how I reeled him in.'

         "When they closed the door again I got up and snuck out to the hall. I heard them in the living room, so I eased on down to the doorway and listened.

         "'Beer?' mom asked, 'or something stronger?"

         "'Stronger,' Mrs. Smith said. I chanced a look around the corner and I could see them sitting sideways to me. I could see Alice was all ears. 'What's he like?' she asked.

         "'Oh, he's great!' Mom got up to mix martinis. 'He's a big brute of a fella, with fat freckled cheeks and a grin as wide as a pound of bacon. Rrrufff!'

         "'Tell me more! Where'd you meet him?' Alice took her drink as mom settled into the scatter pillows on the couch. She rolled her eyes and faked a look around her for spies. I ducked.

         "'Don't tell a soul, now promise?' Alice gave a nod full of quick breaths. 'Actually,' mom said in what was supposed to be a low voice, 'I met him before big Mark died. Oh! He swept me right off my feet one day at Danny's Lunch downtown. He just up and sat down at my table — the place was crowded, and the next thing I knew, his knees were nudging me so cute-like while we ate our noodle soup. Oh,' she laughed, 'he's such a card. Just like a little boy, even though he's so big.' She rolled her eyes again. I sat down on the floor in the hall and didn't look at them any more.

         "'Goodness, that's so romantic,' Alice Smith said. I could imagine her teats bobbing and her face flushing. I didn't have to see. 'How I envy you!' she said in little breaths.

         "'Till then I'd just been feeling like any old sack. Mark never paid any attention to me, you know. All he ever wanted to do was take junior fishing. Honestly. Two ten-year-olds in the house was too much.' She giggled again and was quiet while she sipped her drink. In the corner the teevee belched and flickered — I could see the shadows coming out into the hall. Then mom said, 'So, while my two boys were out fishing, Harry would come visit me. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.

         "'Well, this went on for about a month. I was getting about ready to get a lawyer when what should happen one day but Mark — big Mark I mean — walked in the door early from work.'

         "'No' said Mrs. Smith. I took a quick peek — the one eye I could see what as big and bright as a light bulb.

         "'Oh, yes,' said mother, 'and there we were all over the parlor rug, my skirts up around my hips and Harry huffing all over me, snorting like a....'" The Gunner stopped a minute to listen to the sea. Then, "Bull," he said.

         "'In a minute it was all over,' mom told Mrs. Smith. 'Mark got all red in the face and Harry got up. He was laughing. Oh, he knows how to take things. He zipped himself up and got ready for a fight.'

         "'Then what happened?' I heard Mrs. Smith gasp.

         "'Nothing. Mark just walked over to the closet and got his rod and things.'

         "'Rod!'

         "'Rod and reel.' Mom was quiet for another second. Then, '"I'm going fishing," Mark said. In his business suit, no less. '"In your business suit?" I asked. By this time I was decent again. But he didn't answer. He just walked to the door and out, and that's the last I saw of him.'

         "'Alive, anyhow.' I heard mom sip her drink and saw the flare of her lighter as she lit a cigarette. 'After big Mark left, about ten minutes later, maybe, little Mark came in just as Harry was about to leave. He just barely missed us finishing up the job big Mark had interrupted. I think he suspected something anyhow. He gave Harry a funny look and said, "Pop home yet?" I told him he'd gone fishing.

         "Without me?" Then he was out the door like a flash.' "I got up and went back to my room then," the Gunner said. "I slammed the door — I didn't give a shit if they heard me. Mom came in 'What was that door slamming?' she asked me, but I didn't answer. I just kept laying on the bed staring and remembering that day. I don't know how long mom stood there asking me how much I heard, I didn't even do anything when she shook me and bounced me up and down in the bed and slapped me. She finally stopped screaming and crying, and after a while there was the lake again, and it was late in the afternoon. something was wrong. I'd been running, or maybe pedaling my bike. I don't know how I got to the lake, because it was quite a way — I just knew I had to catch up.

         "By the time I was standing on the strip of beach I could feel the night starting to come on — the moon was already up flopping around in the tops of the pines like a sunfish. My legs hurt, and I couldn't breathe — it was like there was water in my chest. I looked for our scow, and it was out there, but there was something funny about it. And then I saw — it was upside-down, and there were a bunch of heads bobbing around it, and another boat. I started in to yell, 'Dad! Dad!' but nobody paid me any attention. Only when I took off my shoes and started to run into the water somebody grabbed me and said, 'Stay here, boy. They'll have him soon.'

         "But the moon was high before they brought him in, all soggy, and his eyes staring at me in the dark. His feet were all wound up in line and his metal gear box was caught in the line too. They all just stood around and looked at him, and sometimes they'd look at me too, and then away. I waited for something to happen, but nobody did anything. 'Why don't you all do something? Help him, help him! Jesus!' I said, but they all just shook their heads.

         ""'It's no use, son. He's been down there for three hours anyway, ' somebody said, a cop I think. 'The ambulance will be here soon.'

         "But I looked at him and I saw something. 'No, no, he's alive, don't you see?' I said. 'Look, his heart's beating, his heart...'

         "I managed to rip away from the guy that was holding me, and I fell down beside Dad and put my ear on his chest. I could feel it. His heart thumping, almost jumping out of his chest, trying to keep going. It was slimy wet against my ear, it was wriggling and squirming, even though you could see his face was beginning to bloat and it was all blue. I hugged him and looked up at them all standing around. 'Oh, Jesus, won't you help him!' I screamed. 'Look, his heart!' I tore open his shirt, still with his tie on.

         "And you could see it squirming and wiggling, see it with your naked eyes, — a fish caught in his undershirt, a big black bass, fighting to cut loose but losing, its head stuck out near the armpit, its bulgy eyes like to moons staring down at me out of the sky, out of the pines that reeled off into a dark voice that said, 'I wonder what mom will say when we get home for supper.' And then no more dreams, nothing," said the Gunner, "except night and the smell of pine."

         I can think of nowhere to go from here. I look ahead, and Nothus slips into nothingness; the ship looms across the indecipherable and unfathomable ocean without a helmsman. My books gather me in as though to say, "Time for a rest," but I am resisting them with all my power.

I have had another letter from Wesley Court, thank God:

"Lowell, May 10 1860

"Charles,

         "The top of the morning to you

         "How do you get along courting the girls now since the Snow went off. Last night we had a splendid fire about twelve O’Clock but did not go I can tell you X liked to lay abed too well. I went to see where if was this morning. Dont let any one see this I will tell you where it was.

         "It was a house of ill fame where they keep pretty Girls I saw two of them & the lady of the house this morning.

         "The old lady was telling how it caught afire.

         "You say it is very dry down in Frankfort, but not dryer than it is here. We have not had any rain for the last two months until yesterday. We had a slight rain of about four hours.

         "But I think real estate will rise to day again.

         "I suppose you still stick to the Sons of Temperance dont you. I had rather stick to the Daughters for my part.

         "The bells begin to ring & I must close

         "Give my love to all the girls

                                                      "Yours truly

                                                               Wesley Court

"Write Soon

"N.B.

         "Burn this as quick as you read it."

Thursday, 5th. Rafe stopped by for coffee this morning, and I joined him and Cara. He looked very cheerful.

         "Cara tells me you've been working on your book some more. How's it going?"

         Cara sat down with us, next to Rafe. "He typed all day yesterday, but he won't talk." She looked up at me and smiled. I love her eyes when they look like that — the color of clouds on a day like this one: gray, and a touch of blue sky behind them.

         "I wrote chapter six," I said. But I could not tell them the book will never be finished. I have reached the center of the circle, the eye of calm, and my voyage has ended in nothing, where it began in the heart of my protagonist.

         Rafe was happy. "The best therapy in the world," he said. "Write it out. It's good." He stretched like a cat. "I'll go over around ten Saturday evening for another session. That all right with you, Charles?" He shook his blond forelock back into place.

         I nodded.

         "I won't be by tomorrow morning," he said. "I have appointments all day, and I'm going to have to get to school early."

         Cara looked disappointed.

         "Sorry," he said. "There are a bunch of kids who need draft counseling. The war's still non, you know."

         "It'll be on forever," Cara said, touching her cup with her lip — a voluptuous gesture.

         "Well, Saturday night, then," I said.

         Rafe rose and waved as he went out to the kitchen. He stood a moment with his hand on the doorknob. He looked back at us, and a slight, troubled look overcast his blue glance. Then he smiled again and waved. "Be happy," he said, and left. We heard his car back out into the road and drive away.

         I have spent the day walking in the fields. I went to the falls and watched the water come down over the stones from Blind Man's Hill; I crossed to the cemetery to visit my family and my friend, but all was still — only a winter sparrow or two looking for seeds among the headstones and monuments. In the late afternoon I returned to the house and sat with the books awhile, not reading, just listening to the soft murmur of voices rising out of the leather covers and falling to silence in the house among the tickings of the clocks and the chimes, Cara humming softly in the rooms among her plants — watering and feeding the green life in this landscape of coming winter.

         "Burn this as soon as you read it Charles.

                                             Lowell may 30, 1860

"Friend Charles,

         "It is with the greatest pleasure that I now attempt to answer your kind letter which I received this afternoon

         "If Mrs. Small has got the P———— it is quite sure that they have been doing or try to do something for there Country. I did as you requested me to do with your letter & I want you to do the same. Wednesday night only comes once a week & that I have to do myself.

         "We are having a few drops of rain here to night & it is not very pleasant to be on the streets so I thought I would answer your letter as you requested me to write soon

         "I do not know as I have much news to tell you, but Ile try & scrabble a few lines

         "Yesterday there was afire over in Belvedere Charley Deming our book keeper & Mr. Washburn was ringing the fire bell. Some of the fixing gave way & it come through the floor, had it not hit upon some of the timbers it would of come through all the floors & probably killed them both. Another Accident I have to tell you but not of that kind, Mr. Loomis one of our customers hung himself yesterday about three O’Clock in his own shed, he was at the store to settle up his account the day previous. Another sad accident I have to tell you Mrs. Alden another of our customers fell down her steps and broke her hip. I believe she is doing well now.

         “Well Charles, that is all the sad news I have to relate to you, but I have some few lines more to say. There was two young ladies walking out the other day, & a young Gentleman wrinkled his nose as they passed. One of the girls looked around. Says She, ‘f you don't like the fashion, you may stick your nose in my arse.’ That is about the stile of one half of them. Do you have any such mistresses?

         “You say you have not heard from Fred Hawkins since you wrote me last. I have not written him since I have been in Lowell. I have forgotten how to superscribe my letters to him but Ile endeavor to write him a few little ditties. You said Frank was home, what made him so? You did not write half enough about him. I should like to here him spin some of his long yarns, I suppose he wlll have as much to say as old Sam Little ever did. Has Brad White got home yet? He wrote to me when he was in Charleston S. C. He wanted to buy my tools, said he would be home in the spring. As this is the 3Oth day of May I thought I would see whether he is ea home or not.

         ''You said you went on a ride last Sunday over on the neck did

you see any of the pretty girls that I should have looked after if I had been there? How are all the Carney girls do you ever see them except when they are at the division? Give my respects to them when you see them.

         “Charles to tell you the barest facts I have not been home with but two girls since I have been here.

         "It is getting along towards ten O’Clock & I must go over to my boarding house and go to bed

         “I still. remain your honest friend

                                             "Wes Court

"Write soon as you told me to; I did so. I shall be home for a visit before Thanksgivings day. Look for me at your door Charles I shall knock loud."

         Cara has come up behind me, holding two cob pipes, and she is waiting.

Friday, 6th. It is all very clear to me now. I must try to write it clearly as well, so that you may be prepared, reader, if by chance this journal should be spared, which I shall make every attempt to ensure. Last night, when I was done with my entry, I turned and followed Cara to her room. I lay down on the bed fully clothed and began to smoke. I felt clear enough of mind, so that I thought perhaps this time the leaves would not adversely affect me, as they are wont to do, strangely. At first, such was the case. As I inhaled and held the smoke in my lungs, my feelings began to rise, and Cara and I began to exchange quips. They were silly in nature, and we began to giggle like school children.

         "This won't work, Charles. We've goat to cool it if we're going to get serious." She tried to force her face into repose, but was not successful. We laughed again. But, after repeated efforts, and more deep draughts of the fumes, at last we quieted. I began to experience a sense of excitement, as did Cara, I believe.

         "Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer. For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee."

         "For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is an iniquity and idolatry: because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king."

         "And he made his son pass through the fire, and observed times, and used enchantments, and dealt with familiar spirits and wizards. He wrought much wickedness in the sight of the LORD to provoke him to anger."

         "And it came to pass when He saw John, that he said, Is it peace, John? And he answered, What peace, so long as the wickedness of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many?"

         "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."

         And in another book, Infernal Conference or, The Legions of Devils by "The Listener," published at Leominster for Josiah Thomas in 1808, this:

         "Know, then, that not far from this humble cot, there is a widely extended, most tremendous, and Lonely Vale, first formed, as is supposed, by some dreadful earthquake, or some other remarkable convulsion in nature. The confines of this valley, on the outside are every where nearly level with tbe surface of the ground; but the precipice within is to the last degree horrible, insomuch that few have had fortitude enough to approach it. The ancient bards very justly called it Horide Vallis, and we, from them, the Vale of Horrors. This horrid vale has long been supposed, by the credulous vulgar, to be the haunt of infernal spirits; and some people imagine that it is the only place on earth where they freely converse about the dark designs of their maladministration.

         "My curiosity continually prompting me, I at last conquered my native timidity, and I resolved, if possible, to find an entrance into this unfrequented, unknown, and dreadful place.

         "But many months, I may say some years, were spent in this fruitless search, and I despaired of success. At length, however, having entered a very eerie and unfrequented wood, one side of which led to the very edge of the precipice, as I walked a few furlongs down a steep descent, gloomy beyond whatever I had seen before, I came to a large rock, all overgrown with ivy and moss. It had the appearance of an ancient ruin, somewhat in the form of a pyramid; The bottom occupied a considerable space, and the very top was nearly concealed by the highest branches of the tall and ancient oaks, which surround it. Near the ground, by chance, I discovered an opening, almost choked up with baleful hemlock and nightshade.

         At first I thought that this could be no other than the cave of some ancient Druid; but approaching it, and having, with much toil, cleared away the noxious weeds, I found what I had long sought for, an entrance into the dreadful cavity.

         "Here my resolution almost failed me, and I was at the point of relinquishing the long projected enterprise. At length I recollected myself a little, and resolved to descend into the place, though, as I thought, not much less horrible than hell, The passage, a little within the entrance, led downwards almost in a perpendicular direction; but its straitness, and the natural unevenness of the rocks that formed it, rendered my descent more practicable and safe than I first expected. Down, however, I went, fathoms I know not how many, ere I found myself at the bottom, and from an easy opening entered the gloomy vale."

         I can read no more of it, remembering last night, despite its light and rational style, for it recalls to my mind a piece in the scrapbook Norine sent me out of my own childhood past:

FINALE

         "Satan sat on the peak of a tall mountain. Around him Great black clouds twisted and writhed, and the rain poured down, cooling the fire-fevered earth. Satan looked down from his throne. A mourning wind whispered along the once great forests of splintered trees. Not a breath of life stirred on all the Earth. The bodies of men and animals littered the ground in all directions.”

         Cara responded as I lay upon her, my arms and legs held by hands I could not see, and I was forced into her from behind. As Cara worked, I felt something round, with sharp edges, forced into my anus. Then, with a great cry, a rod of flesh plunged into me, crushing. In a moment I felt the semen rush out of Ally and into me, and I was no longer conscious of anything.

Saturday, 7th. I have laid my plans careful1y, in veriest secret. I have not spoken to Cara about last night, and she has gone about her business as though nothing had happened. I have spent all day on my books, reading and thinking, and I know what I must do.

         I have been examining Uncle John's 1816 Bible, and within it I have found these:

         "Know not them that have familiar spirits, neither be defiled by these: fear the LORD your God."

"And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.”

"A man also or a woman who hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stonc them with stones, their blood shell be upon the earth.

"There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or en enchanter, or a witch, nor shall ye use or seek after wizards.”

About Cara and the priest, in a semicircle, stood many people, some seeming to be solid flesh, others with outlines that wavered in the candlelight. Tituba stood there, and the minister with the noose about his neck, Norine end Melany, and another girl, a little older, with a woman who must have been her mother, both dressed in Puritan dresses. There were others, both men end women, all clothed in ancient garments, and one man naked, his body misshapen, holding a stone, blood running from his mouth, nose, and eyes.

And as the priest spoke the litany, he consecrated the wine over Cara's Os Externum, and drank. Then he took the host, blessed it, and pressed it into the lips of her vagina with his fingers. He rose and stood between Cara’s Iegs, lifted his cassock. Kneeling down, he went into her and, with a loud cry — an oath — plunged deeply and groaned as Cara cried out. When he rose, I saw that it was Rafe.

My eyes were transfixed, and I was struck to rock. It was some moments before I realized that the audience were no longer watching the altar, but were turned and staring at Me. Before I could move, I felt my arms pinioned, The crowd parted to let Rafe through. He approached and stood before me,

“You have sinned in your blood, Charles Ally," he said, his voice hollow. You are one of us.” He reached forward and tore my shirt, my trousers, and I could not move. When I was naked, Norine came forward and gave him a small jar, which I recognized. Rafe opened it and began to prepare me. He rubbed the salve into my genitalia, and I burned. When I was ready, I was propelled toward the altar and forced to kneel between its legs. Then, with a mighty thrust….

I returned to the dining room and sat down at my place, the empty dish before me, so that Cara when she came back up would believe I had eaten her food. And then I heard footsteps in the living room. I was astonished. I knew there was no one else in the house but Cara and me, and I knew she had not come back up out of the cellar. I got up to look, and found Cara in the living room sitting on the couch and looking into the fire.

"If you're in here," I asked, "Who’s in the cellar? "She looked up at me. "There's no one in the cellar, Charles. Come and sit beside me." She sighed. I'm sorry it went all wrong today. I’m sorry." She was weeping.

I went to her and touched her shoulder, "It’ll be all right," I said, or I think I said. "I'll be right back."

I returned to the dining room and went to the cellarway to reach for the 1ight switch, but there was none. There was a deep glow coming from below. I made some sort of hoarse noise in my throat, stepped back, and slammed the door.

When I turned about I saw I was standing in flickering lamplight. There is no possible way to describe those sensations of fear, though I fought them as strongly as I might. I went back to the living room and cried, Cara!"

Cara was Iying naked before the hearth, her legs spread. At her head and at each of her shoulders stood a black candle burning, and another at her feet.

A priest was kneeling, conducting the communion service, using Cara as the altar.

I began to fumble at her clothes, my hands busy with buttons and catches, Soon, she lay naked on the bad, end I lay back. Cara rose to her knees, bent above me, and undid my clothing, pulling and tugging, I gave but little help. As she worked, I began to experience a feeling of foreboding. I attempted to fight the sensation of down, but was unsuccessful. Rather, it wasn’t until I became certain that Cara was some sort of agent for malice, I cannot tell why, that I began to resist her.

"Charles, you’re not cooperating," she said. She looked at me out of an oval frame of darkness, her eyea luminous as grey moons. "Here," she said, "have another drag or two," and she held out the pipe I had put down. I was certain she was trying to poison me — or, no - to use herbs to corrupt me. I pushed her hand away, rose, and restored my clothing. I said nothing, The look of hurt in her eyes and countenance was great.

I left her room and went into mine. I sat on my bed for a while,

how long I cannot surely say. The weeds were still working in my brain – flashes of strange colors and sounds.

“Hello, Cberles," Norine said. Chill struck to my marrow. I looked up, and in the darkness there wes nothing to see but the glow of the fire in the hearth, and its reflection in the hallseat mirror beside the wardrobe, but malevolence was omnipresent in the house. As I gazed into the glass, above the flickering daggers of flame, as it were in the firmament, angels and clouds began to form and to whirl. Finally they resolved thamselves - I vas staring into the mask of Death.

“You see you've not gotten rid of us after all. Cara has seen to

that. How are you, Charles? How far have you gotten with The Book of the Black Heart?" And the mask grinned coldly out of mercury and glass.

         I rallied all my willopower and tried to dissipate the force of the

fumes. To some degree I succeeded, I think, for I rose and left the room. As I passed Cara's door I looked in. She had gone downstairs, but there was something peculiar about the light. Then I realized what it was — the house was filled with old lamps converted to electricity, but the one in aroom was burning with a flame, not a filament.

         The hall was dark. I groped for the light switch, intending to go to the library, hut I could not find it. Instead, I went downstairs. I went into the dining room, and Cara was there in electrical light, holding a dish.

         "Charles," she said, "you didn't eat your dessert at suppertime. Have some. It'll make you feel better. We shouldn't have smoked. I'm sorry. The stuff's no good for you," and she proffered the dish. I took it, feeling shamed. I realized at that moment that I had been hallucinating, and the knowledge came with a sense of relief.

         I took the dish and sat down. Cara passed behind me. I heard the cellar door open, I thought I heard her footsteps as she descended. I took a spoonful of the pudding and lifted it to my mouth — but all my premonitions returned ten-fold. I could not help it. This was another attempt to put me in her power. I had barely escaped once, I could not succumb now.

         I went into the kitchen and disposed of the pudding, feeling again no sense of relief — but at the same time a corner of my mind told me I was being foolish and that I mustn’t let myself be deceived by appearances conjured out of leaves. Back to my reading in the library:

“Correction. The corpses could not even decay, for all life, even the tiny microbes and bacteria that decompose flesh, had been destroyed in this last war-to-end-wars. And because of this Satan sat brooding on the mountain top, for now there was no-one for him to tempt into sin, and his future was bleak.

"Satan gazcd down upon the blood-soaked fields, fields which but a few days ago had flaunted ripe ears of corn like flags of peace end prosperity, but whiich now dolefully bore up mutilated csdavers, the fruit of war and hate.

"As Satan watched, a titanic river roared along a new course and swept the land clean of the mangled remains of a futile civilization. Rusted masses of metal began to rust under its turbulent surface, a last

memorial to the warped genius of men who had once forged this same metal into tcrrible weapons and implements of destruction,

"Great waves dashed against the base of Satan’s mountain, and the spray cooled his fevered brow, A boulder broke away from the side of the mountain and splashed heavily into the wate., From ths gash in the mountain where the boulder had been, a atream of crimson burst and plunged into the muddy river. Clouds of steam rose end swirled about the mountain.

"The flashing lightning cast a glare on Satan’s throne, and the

whirling mist twisted into grotesque, contorted likenesses of men, the ghosts of s once thriving world.

"The falling night made the scene even blacker then it had been, the thunder rose end filled the sky with its might. The night fell, and the thunder rose and Satan hearkened to what the thunder seemed to be saying. 'It is written that men shall one day destroy himself. And amidst the clash of the elements Satan sat and brooded on his fate."

I blush for the easy mysticism and self-serving sentimentality

of the piece, as I blush for the mysticism in The Book of the Black Heart. The difference between them is only immaturity of style in the latter, which reveals: not a black ile•rt, but a heart that is nearly empty. I have written two more pages longhand of the novel, but I will not paste them here, for I will never finish anyway. At least I have come to a point in my life where hardness

of spirit required a necessary act to be performed.

The clocks of the house have just begun to strike ten. I have tied Cara to her bed and scattered the coals from the fire about the house. I can hear flames behind me, and Cara crying out. At the kitchen door someone is knocking. I know who it is: Wesley Court has just come from Lowell, but he is too late.

As soon as I have done, I will put this journal into uncle John's safe, with his Salem journal and the other documents of the house, and I will wait.

         Now there is pounding, and glass, and blue moons in the center of the circle, Ouroboros spinning in darkness, devouring himself.

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Twenty

        Part Twenty

                                                                                                                                                                      "Lowell, May 10 1860

"Charles,

         "The Top of the morning to you

         "How do you get along courting the girls now since the Snow went off. Last night we had a splendid fire about twelve Oclock but did not go I can tell you I liked to lay abed too well. I went to see whare it was this morning. Dont let any one see this I will tell you whare it was

         "It was a house of ilfame whare they keep pretty Girls I saw to of them & the lady of the house this morning.

         "The old lady was telling how it caught afire. She said she used to have the back door open & the boys used to come in after rags & c ——— I suppose they did dont you.

         "You say it is very dry down in Frankfort, but not dryer then it is here. we have not had any rain for the last two months untill yesterday. we had a slight rain of about four hours.

         "But I think real estate will rise to day again

         "I suppose you still stick to the Sons of Temperance dont you. I had rather stick to Daughters for my part

         "The bells begin to ring & I must Close.

         "Give my love to all the girls

                                                      "Yours truly

                                                               "Wesley Court

"Write Soon

"N. B.

       "Burn this as quick as you read it."

Thursday, 5^th. Rafe stopped by for coffee this morning and I joined him and Cara. He looked very cheerful.

         "Cara tells me you've been working on your book some more. How's it going?"

         Cara sat down with us, next to Rafe. "He typed all day yesterday, but he won't talk." She looked up at me and smiled. I love her eyes when they look like that — the color of clouds on a day like this one: gray, and a touch of blue sky behind them.

         "I wrote chapter six," I said. But I could not tell them the book will never be finished. I have reached the center of the circle, the eye of calm, and my voyage has ended in nothing, where it began in the heart of my protagonist.

         Rafe was happy. "The best therapy in the world," he said. "Write it out. It's good." He stretched like a cat. "I'll be over around ten Saturday for another session. That all right with you, Charles?" He shook his blond forelock back into place.

         I nodded.

         "I won't be by tomorrow morning," he said. "I have appointments all day, and I'm going to have to get to school early."

         Cara looked disappointed.

         "Sorry," he said. "There's a bunch of kids who need draft counseling. The war's still on, you know."

         "It'll be on forever," Cara said touching her cup with her lip — a voluptuous gesture.

         "Well, Saturday night, then," I said.

         Rafe rose and waved as he went out to the kitchen. He stood a moment with his hand on the doorknob. He looked back at us, and a slight, troubled look overcast his blue glance. Then he smiled again and waved. "Be happy," he said, and left. We heard his car back out into the road and drive away.

         I have spent the day walking in the fields. I went to the falls and watched the water come down over the stones from Blind Man's Hill; I crossed to the cemetery to visit my family and my friend, but all was still — only a winter sparrow or two looking for seeds among the headstones and monuments. In the late afternoon I returned to the house and sat with the books awhile, not reading, just listening to the soft murmur of voices rising out of the leather covers and falling to silence in the house among the tickings of the clocks and the chimres, Cara humming softly in the rooms among her plants. — watering and feeding the green life in this landscape of coming winter.

         "Burn this as soon as you read it Charles.

                                                               Lowell may 30, 1860

"Friend Charles,

         "It is with the greatest pleasure that I now attempt to answer your kind letter which I received this afternoon

         "If Mrs. Small has got the P———— it is quite sure that they have been doing or try to do something for there Country. I did as you requested me to do with your letter & I want you to do the same. Wednesday night only comes once a week & that I have to do myself.

         "We are haveing a few drops of rain here to night & it is not very pleasant to be on the streets so I thought I would answer your letter as you requested me to write soon

         "I do not know as I have much news to tell you, but Ile try & scrabble a few lines

         "Yesterday there was afire over in Belvedere Charley Deming our book keeper & Mr. Washburn was ringing the fire bell. Some of the fixing gave way & it come through thje floor, had it not hit upon some of the timbers it would of come through all the floors & probably killed them both. Another accident I have to tell you but not of that kind, Mr. Loomis one of our customers hung himself yesterday about three OClock in his own shed. he was at the store & settled up his account the day previous. Antother sad accident I have to tell you Mrs. Alden another of our customers fell down her steps & broke her him. I believe she is doing well now. Well Charles that is all the sad news I have to relate to you

         "But I have some few lines more to say, There was two young ladys walking out the other day, & they passed a young gentleman which the latter laughted, as he passed, the girls looked around. Says She, If you don't like the fasion, you may stick your nose in my arse.

         That is about the stile of one half of them. Do you have any such down east.

         "You say you have not heard from Fred Hawkins since you wrote me last I have not written him since I have been in Lowell I have gorgoten how to superscribe my letters to him & Ile endeavor to write him afew little dities, You sayd Frank was lame, what made him so. You did not write half enough about him

         "I should like to here him spin some of his long yarns, I suppose he will have as much to say as old Sam White ever did. Has Brad White got hom yet he wrote to me when he was in Charleston S. C. wanted to buy my tools, said he would be home in the spring, & as this is the 30th day of may thought I would see rather he is at home or not

         "You said you & Henry went on a ride last Sunday over on the neck did you see any of the prety girls that is what I should of looked after if I had been there, how are all the Carney Girls do you ever see them except when they are at the division, give my respects to them when you see them

         "Charles to tell you the barest facts I have not been home with but two girls since I have been here

         "It is geting along towords ten OClock & I must go over to my boarding house & go to bed

         "I still remane your honest friend

                                             "Wes Court

"Write soon as you told me & I did so. I shall be home for a visit before Thanksgivings day. Look for me at your door Charles I shall knock loud."

         Cara has come up behind me holding two cob pipes and she is waiting.

Friday, 6^th. It is all very clear to me now. I must try to write it clearly as well, so that you may be prepared, reader, if by chance this journal should be spared, which I shall make every attempt to ensure.

         Last night, when I was done with my entry, I turned and followed Cara to her room. We lay down on the bed fully clothed and began to smoke. I felt clear enough of mind, so that I thought perhaps this time the leaves would not adversely affect me, as they are wont to do, strangely.

         At first, this was the case. As I inhaled and held the smoke in my lungs, my feelings began to rise, and Cara and I began to exchange quips. They were silly in nture, and we began to giggle like schoolchildren.

         "This won't work, Charles. We've got to cool it if we're going to get serious." She tried to force her face into repose, but was not successful. We laughed again. But, after repeated efforts, and more deep draughts of the fumes, at last we quieted. I begain to experience a sense of excitement, as did Cara, I believe.

         I began to funble at her clothes, my hands busy with button and catches. Soon she lay naked on the bed and I lay back. Cara rose to her knees, bent above me, and undid my garments, pulling and tugging. I gave but little help.

         As she worked I began to experience a feeling of foreboding. I attempted to fight the sensation down but was unsuccessful. Rather, it grew until I became certain that Cara was some sort of agent for malice, I cannot tell why. I began to resist her.

         "Charles, you're not cooperating," she said. She looked at me out of an oval frame of darkness, her eyes luminous as gray moons. "Here," she said, "have another drag or two," and she held out the pipe I had put down. And I was certain she was trying to poison me — or, no — to use herbs to corrupt me. I pushed her hand a way, rose, and restored my clothing. I said nothing. The look of hurt in her eyes and countenance was great.

         I left her room and went into mine; I sat on my bed for a while — how long I cannot surely say. The weeds were still working in my brain — flashes of strange colors and sounds.

         "Hello, Charles," Norine said. Chill struck me to my marrow. I looked up, and in the darkness there was nothing to see but the glow of the fire in the hearth and its reflection in the hallseat mirror beside the wardrobe, but malevolence was omnipresent. As I gazed into the glass, above the flickering daggers of flame, as it were in the firmament, angels and clouds began to form and to whirl. At last they resolved themselves — I was staring into the mask of Death.

         "You see, you've not gotten rid of us after all. Cara has seen to that. How are you, Charles? How far have to gotten with The Book of the Black Heart?" And the mask grinned coldly out of mercury and glass.

         I rallied all my forces and tried to dissipate the force of the fumes. To some degree I succeeded, I think, for I rose and left the room. As I passed Cara's door I looked in. She had gone downstairs, but there was something peculiar about the light. Then I realized what it was — the house is filled with old lamps converted to electricity, but the one in Cara's room was burning with a flame, not a filament.

         The hall was dark. I groped for the light switch, intending to go to the library, but I could not find it. Instead, I went downstares. I went into the dining room, and Cara was there in electrical light, holding a dish.

         "Charles," she said, "you didn't eat your dessert at suppertime. Have some. It'll make you feel better. We shouldn't have smoked. I'm sorry. The stuff's no good for you." She proffered the dish. I took it, feeling shamed. I realized at the moment that I was hallucinating, and the knowledge came with a sense of relief.

         I took the dish and sat down. Cara passed behind me. I heard the cellar door open. I heard her footsteps as she descended, as I thought. I took a spoonful of the pudding and lifed it to my mouth — but all my premonitions returned ten-fold. I could not eat it. This was another attempt to put me in her power. I had barely escaped once, I could not succumb now.

         I went into the kitchen and disposed of the pudding, feeling again a sense of relief — but at the same time a corner of my mind told me I was being foolish and that I mustn't let myself be deeived by appearances conjured out of burning leaves.

         I returned to the dining room and sat down t my place, the empty dish before me, so that Cara when she came back up would believe I had eaten her food.

         And then I heard footsteps in the living room. I was astonished. I knew there was no one else in the house but Cara and me, and I knew she had not come back up out of the cellar. I got up to look and found Cara in the living room sitting on the couch and looking into the fire.

         "If you're in here," I asked, "who's in the cellar?"

         She looked up at me. "There's no one in the cellar, Charles. Come and sit beside me." She sighed. "I'm sorry it went all wrong. Really sorry." She was weeping.

         I went to her and touched her shoulder. "It'll be all right," I said, or I think I said. "I'll be right back."

         I returned to the dining room and went to the cellarway to reach for the light switch — there was none. There was a deep glow coming from below. I made some sort of hoarse noise in my throat, stepped back, and slammed the door.

         When I turned about I saw I was standing in flickering lamplight.

         There is no possible way to describe my sensations of fear, though I fought them as strongly as I might. I went back to the living room and called, "Cara —"

         My senses spun in my mind like dust devils.

         Cara was lying naked before the hearth, her legs spread. At her head and at each of her shoulders stood a black candle burning, and another at her feet.

         A priest was kneeling, conducting the communion, using Cara as the altar. About Cara and the priest, in a semicircle, stood many people, some seeming to be solid flesh, others with outlines that wavered in the candlelight. Tituba stood there, and the minister with the noose about his neck; Norine and Melany, and another girl, a little older, with a woman who must have been her mother, both dressed in Puritan costume. There were others, both men and women, all clothed in ancient garments, and one man naked, his body misshapen, holding a stone, blood running from his mouth, nose, and eyes,to one side. He slgnalled Cara, who doused tbe lights, and, from the sounds of her movements, one could tell she had settled onto the couch.

"Okay," Rafe said in a quiet voice, “I want you to relax and tell every part of your body to relax, and I want you to keep looking at the pendulum as it swings, Follow it with your eyes. Let yourself sink into the pendulum and the chair. Listen to the ticking of

the clock, and, when I speak, to my volce."

For a long time he said nothing except, now and thcn, "Relax." In the fireplace I heard the sound of embers falling. I heard Rafe's voice murmuring near me. At first I was very tense, but

I did as he asked, and eventually my limbs began to lighten and to tingle, and the disc grew larger until it was very big. Then Rafe began to speak again: "It is the moon. It is filling the room. Nothing is here but you, the moon, and my voice. Let it take you. I am hcre ta protect you and help you. Your eyes are growing wider and wider, to swallow the moon, and 'all you can hear is my voice end the ticking of time. The moon, only the moon.

"Your limbs are growing heavy, and you see only the moon,”

but I could no longer feel my limbs tingling, I was lying on the softest place in the sky, on the moon which was enormous.

"And now you are growing very sleepy, Charles, and your eyelids are

beavy. The moonlight is hurting them. Let them close agalnst the light, Charles, let them clase and 1isten to me. Are you slcepy, Charlcs?"

"Yes," I said, "Very. The moon is hurting my eyes.”

“You are ssleep, Charles, and you hear nothing but my voice.

Is that so?”

"Yes,” I said. “My eyes are closed,” but I could see through the lids. The moon was pale among the scudding clouds.

"Are you asleep?"

"Yes."

"'What do you see?"

“The dim moon in the night aky, and I am in the sky too."

Now the voice became hollow, like a heavy gong. "Rise up and face me, rise up, Charles Ally!" I felt myself rise and turn. I was standing on nothing. I saw, with my eyes still closed, a priest in robes and cassock, darkly in the moonlight.

"I am Raphael, minister of God, Charles, and then: Speak! Who art thou that has taken this man?"

A ereat groan burst from my lips. Coils in my bowels, knots and aches.

"In the name of the Father, speak! In the name of the Son, speak! In the name of the Holy Ghost, speak, viper!"

A great voice, deeper than any well: "f am Asmodeus.”

"And I am Raphael, How didst thou enter? Speak, in the nsme of Christl"

"I am Asmodeus, of the Order of Seraphim. I came Into this man through his organ of procreation.”

“Are there others with thee? Speak!"

“No others," said the deep voice.

"I, Raphael, command thee in the name of the Lord, what others are there with thee in this man?"

Silence.

"In the name of the Father!”

Coilings and gnashings.

"And of the Son!”

A babble of voices in my lungs.

"And of the Holy Ghost!"

"I am here," said a soft and haughty voice. "Belial of the Third

Hierarchy, Prince of the Order of Virtues fallen. I entered through his mind, and have clothed him in the raiment of arrogance,"

"I entered with Belial.” said a towering voice. "I am Beelzebub, of

the First Hierarchy, Prince of the Order of Seraphim Fallen, I have pierced his heart with the lance of pride."

"I, Verrine, of the First Hierarchy, Order of Thrones Fallen. I entered with the point of the lance, and poisoned his blood with Impatience.”

"And I, Gresael, af the First Hierarchy, Order of Thrones Fallen, came in with the haft. His heart is unsure."

"Cerrow, of the Second Hierarchy, Prince of Powers Fellen. His heart is stone. No one may remove the lance,"

"And I am the last, Carnivan, of the Second Hierarchy, Prince of Powers fallen. In the mirror of glass he sees me when he commits fornication with women."

Tho babble ceased. In the darkness was the ticking of the moon.

"Are there others? Speak! In the name of the Trinity, I, Raphael, command it.”

Silence again, as before; lightning and thunder,

"Why hast thou possessed this man?'

The deep voice answered: "He wished it. He forsook his Father

when he was twelve, after baptism. He heard no voice when he addressed the Throne of Grace. He commanded, and heard not the Lord, and celled out, ‘Thou art gone from the heavens, and I am forsaken. Therefore will I forsake thee,' and we began to enter."

"How long wilt thou possess this man? What is thy term?"

"'Until the final hour," the softest voice said.

''I command thee then, vipers of the Serpent, the Worm that destroys the flesh, in the name of the Judge of the word and the

deed, of the hosts of Torment and Earth, of Heaven and Hell, begonel"

In my bowels the mortal terror; the scent of smoke in my nostrils. I felt Rafe’s hand laid upon my head, and it was cool.

"I conjure thee, Princes of Seraphim fallen, of Cherubim end Throne

fallen, in the name of thy Maker, begone!" I fell and twisted, writhing in the dark air, but felt no pain; my limbs were as cedars in the wind.

"I conjure thee, Princes of Thrones Fallen, of Principalities and

Powers Fallen, in tho name of the Holy Ghost, begone!"

Terrible noises in my throat. The hand was ice on my forehead, and I shook in every' part, as though torn by wolves.

"I conjure thee, Princes of Virtues Fallen, of Archangels and Angels Fallen, in the name of the Lord thy God, Jehovah, begone!"

I cannot describe the storm that now shook me, the voices that shrieked and cursed me, overwhelming. me so that I could hardly hear Raphael.

"Beelzebub, in the name of thy adversary, St. Francis of Assisi; Asmodeus, in the name of thy adversary, St. John the Baptist; Verrine, in the name of thy adversary, St, Dominic; Gresael, in the name of thy adversary, St, Reynard; Cerrow, in the name of thy adversary, St. Vincent; Carnivan, in the name of thy adversary, St. John the Evangelist; Belial, in the name of thy adversary, St. Francis de Paul, - all ye that possess this man, by the power of the Holy Church and of the Lord of Heaven. I, Raphael, command thee to go forth and enter not again!"

As he named those names, each and every one, I felt part of a burden go with great wailing, and, at the last word, there was silence. Then, the bell behind the moon peeled twelve times, and I opened my eyes. The room was suffused with a fiery glow from the fireplace.

Suddenly, with a yowl of rage, Wesley Catch tore out of the shadows into the fireplace and I beard his claws scratching the chimney as he ran among a burst of wings that faded into the night above the house,

I remember that Rafe and Cara helped me upstairs and into bed. Cara kissed me goodnight. I am too tired, now, to continue the narrative, I have not seen Catch all day.

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Nineteen

        PART NINETEEN

I can think of nowhere to go from here. I look ahead, and Nothus slips into nothingness; the ship looms across the indecipherable and unfathomable ocean without a helmsman. My books gather me in as though to say, "Here is rest," but I am resisting them with all my power.

         I hve had another letter from Wesley Court, thank God:

                                                               "Lowell, May 10 1860

"Charles,

         "The Top of the morning to you

         "How do you get along courting the girls now since the Snow went off. Last night we had a splendid fire about twelve Oclock but did not go I can tell you I liked to lay abed too well. I went to see whare it was this morning. Dont let any one see this I will tell you whare it was

         "It was a house of ilfame whare they keep pretty Girls I saw to of them & the lady of the house this morning.

         "The old lady was telling how it caught afire. She said she used to have the back door open & the boys used to come in after rags & c ——— I suppose they did dont you.

         "You say it is very dry down in Frankfort, but not dryer then it is here. we have not had any rain for the last two months untill yesterday. we had a slight rain of about four hours.

         "But I think real estate will rise to day again

         "I suppose you still stick to the Sons of Temperance dont you. I had rather stick to Daughters for my part

         "The bells begin to ring & I must Close.

         "Give my love to all the girls

                                                      "Yours truly

                                                               "Wesley Court

"Write Soon

"N. B.

       "Burn this as quick as you read it."

Thursday, 5^th. Rafe stopped by for coffee this morning and I joined him and Cara. He looked very cheerful.

         "Cara tells me you've been workin g on your book some more. How's it going?"

         Cara sat down with us, next to Rafe. "He typed all day yesterday, but he won't talk." She looked up at me and smiled. I love her eyes when they look like that — the color of clouds on a day like this one: gray, and a touch of blue sky behind them.

         "I wrote chapter six," I said. But I could not tell them the book will never be finished. I have reached the center of the circle, the eye of calm, and my voyage has ended in nothing, where it began in the heart of my protagonist.

         Rafe was happy. "The best therapy in the world," he said. "Write it out. It's good." He stretched like a cat. "I'll be over around ten Saturday for another session. That all right with you, Charles?" He shook his blond forelock back into place.

         I nodded.

         "I won't be by tomorrow morning," he said. "I have appointments all day, and I'm going to have to get to school early."

         Cara looked disappointed.

         "Sorry," he said. "There's a bunch of kids who need draft counseling. The war's still on, you know."

         "It'll be on forever," Cara said touching her cup with her lip — a voluptuous gesture.

         "Well, Saturday night, then," I said.

         Rafe rose and waved as he went out to the kitchen. He stood a moment with his hand on the doorknob. He looked back at us, and a slight, troubled look overcast his blue glance. Then he smiled again and waved. "Be happy," he said, and left. We heard his car back out into the road and drive away.

         I have spent the day walking in the fields. I went to the falls and watched the water come down over the stones from Blind Man's Hill; I crossed to the cemetery to visit my family and my friend, but all was still — only a winter sparrow or two looking for seeds among the headstones and monuments. In the late afternoon I returned to the house and sat with the books awhile, not reading, just listening to the soft murmur of voices rising out of the leather covers and falling to silence in the house among the tickings of the clocks and the chimres, Cara humming softly in the rooms among her plants. — watering and feeding the green life in this landscape of coming winter.

         "Burn this as soon as you read it Charles.

                                                               Lowell may 30, 1860

"Friend Charles,

         "It is with the greatest pleasure that I now attempt to answer your kind letter which I received this afternoon

         "If Mrs. Small has got the P———— it is quite sure that they have been doing or try to do something for there Country. I did as you requested me to do with your letter & I want you to do the same. Wednesday night only comes once a week & that I have to do myself.

         "We are haveing a few drops of rain here to night & it is not very pleasant to be on the streets so I thought I would answer your letter as you requested me to write soon

         "I do not know as I have much news to tell you, but Ile try & scrabble a few lines

         "Yesterday there was afire over in Belvedere Charley Deming our book keeper & Mr. Washburn was ringing the fire bell. Some of the fixing gave way & it come through thje floor, had it not hit upon some of the timbers it would of come through all the floors & probably killed them both. Another accident I have to tell you but not of that kind, Mr. Loomis one of our customers hung himself yesterday about three OClock in his own shed. he was at the store & settled up his account the day previous. Antother sad accident I have to tell you Mrs. Alden another of our customers fell down her steps & broke her him. I believe she is doing well now. Well Charles that is all the sad news I have to relate to you

         "But I have some few lines more to say, There was two young ladys walking out the other day, & they passed a young gentleman which the latter laughted, as he passed, the girls looked around. Says She, If you don't like the fasion, you may stick your nose in my arse.

         That is about the stile of one half of them. Do you have any such down east.

         "You say you have not heard from Fred Hawkins since you wrote me last I have not written him since I have been in Lowell I have gorgoten how to superscribe my letters to him & Ile endeavor to write him afew little dities, You sayd Frank was lame, what made him so. You did not write half enough about him

         "I should like to here him spin some of his long yarns, I suppose he will have as much to say as old Sam White ever did. Has Brad White got hom yet he wrote to me when he was in Charleston S. C. wanted to buy my tools, said he would be home in the spring, & as this is the 30th day of may thought I would see rather he is at home or not

         "You said you & Henry went on a ride last Sunday over on the neck did you see any of the prety girls that is what I should of looked after if I had been there, how are all the Carney Girls do you ever see them except when they are at the division, give my respects to them when you see them

         "Charles to tell you the barest facts I have not been home with but two girls since I have been here

         "It is geting along towords ten OClock & I must go over to my boarding house & go to bed

         "I still remane your honest friend

                                             "Wes Court

"Write soon as you told me & I did so. I shall be home for a visit before Thanksgivings day. Look for me at your door Charles I shall knock loud."

         Cara has come up behind me holding two cob pipes and she is waiting.

Friday, 6^th. It is all very clear to me now. I must try to write it clearly as well, so that you may be prepared, reader, if by chance this journal should be spared, which I shall make every attempt to ensure.

         Last night, when I was done with my entry, I turned and followed Cara to her room. We lay down on the bed fully clothed and began to smoke. I felt clear enough of mind, so that I thought perhaps this time the leaves would not adversely affect me, as they are wont to do, strangely.

         At first, this was the case. As I inhaled and held the smoke in my lungs, my feelings began to rise, and Cara and I began to exchange quips. They were silly in nture, and we began to giggle like schoolchildren.

         "This won't work, Charles. We've got to cool it if we're going to get serious." She tried to force her face into repose, but was not successful. We laughed again. But, after repeated efforts, and more deep draughts of the fumes, at last we quieted. I begain to experience a sense of excitement, as did Cara, I believe.

         I began to funble at her clothes, my hands busy with button and catches. Soon she lay naked on the bed and I lay back. Cara rose to her knees, bent above me, and undid my garments, pulling and tugging. I gave but little help.

         As she worked I began to experience a feeling of foreboding. I attempted to fight the sensation down but was unsuccessful. Rather, it grew until I became certain that Cara was some sort of agent for malice, I cannot tell why. I began to resist her.

         "Charles, you're not cooperating," she said. She looked at me out of an oval frame of darkness, her eyes luminous as gray moons. "Here," she said, "have another drag or two," and she held out the pipe I had put down. And I was certain she was trying to poison me — or, no — to use herbs to corrupt me. I pushed her hand a way, rose, and restored my clothing. I said nothing. The look of hurt in her eyes and countenance was great.

         I left her room and went into mine; I sat on my bed for a while — how long I cannot surely say. The weeds were still working in my brain — flashes of strange colors and sounds.

         "Hello, Charles," Norine said. Chill struck me to my marrow. I looked up, and in the darkness there was nothing to see but the glow of the fire in the hearth and its reflection in the hallseat mirror beside the wardrobe, but malevolence was omnipresent. As I gazed into the glass, above the flickering daggers of flame, as it were in the firmament, angels and clouds began to form and to whirl. At last they resolved themselves — I was staring into the mask of Death.

         "You see, you've not gotten rid of us after all. Cara has seen to that. How are you, Charles? How far have to gotten with The Book of the Black Heart?" And the mask grinned coldly out of mercury and glass.

         I rallied all my forces and tried to dissipate the force of the fumes. To some degree I succeeded, I think, for I rose and left the room. As I passed Cara's door I looked in. She had gone downstairs, but there was something peculiar about the light. Then I realized what it was — the house is filled with old lamps converted to electricity, but the one in Cara's room was burning with a flame, not a filament.

         The hall was dark. I groped for the light switch, intending to go to the library, but I could not find it. Instead, I went downstares. I went into the dining room, and Cara was there in electrical light, holding a dish.

         "Charles," she said, "you didn't eat your dessert at suppertime. Have some. It'll make you feel better. We shouldn't have smoked. I'm sorry. The stuff's no good for you." She proffered the dish. I took it, feeling shamed. I realized at the moment that I was hallucinating, and the knowledge came with a sense of relief.

         I took the dish and sat down. Cara passed behind me. I heard the cellar door open. I heard her footsteps as she descended, as I thought. I took a spoonful of the pudding and lifed it to my mouth — but all my premonitions returned ten-fold. I could not eat it. This was another attempt to put me in her power. I had barely escaped once, I could not succumb now.

         I went into the kitchen and disposed of the pudding, feeling again a sense of relief — but at the same time a corner of my mind told me I was being foolish and that I mustn't let myself be deeived by appearances conjured out of burning leaves.

         I returned to the dining room and sat down t my place, the empty dish before me, so that Cara when she came back up would believe I had eaten her food.

         And then I heard footsteps in the living room. I was astonished. I knew there was no one else in the house but Cara and me, and I knew she had not come back up out of the cellar. I got up to look and found Cara in the living room sitting on the couch and looking into the fire.

         "If you're in here," I asked, "who's in the cellar?"

         She looked up at me. "There's no one in the cellar, Charles. Come and sit beside me." She sighed. "I'm sorry it went all wrong. Really sorry." She was weeping.

         I went to her and touched her shoulder. "It'll be all right," I said, or I think I said. "I'll be right back."

         I returned to the dining room and went to the cellarway to reach for the light switch — there was none. There was a deep glow coming from below. I made some sort of hoarse noise in my throat, stepped back, and slammed the door.

         When I turned about I saw I was standing in flickering lamplight.

         There is no possible way to describe my sensations of fear, though I fought them as strongly as I might. I went back to the living room and called, "Cara —"

         My senses spun in my mind like dust devils.

         Cara was lying naked before the hearth, her legs spread. At her head and at each of her shoulders stood a black candle burning, and another at her feet.

         A priest was kneeling, conducting the communion, using Cara as the altar. About Cara and the priest, in a semicircle, stood many people, some seeming to be solid flesh, others with outlines that wavered in the candlelight. Tituba stood there, and the minister with the noose about his neck; Norine and Melany, and another girl, a little older, with a woman who must have been her mother, both dressed in Puritan costume. There were others, both men and women, all clothed in ancient garments, and one man naked, his body misshapen, holding a stone, blood running from his mouth, nose, and eyes,to one side. He slgnalled Cara, who doused tbe lights, and, from the sounds of her movements, one could tell she had settled onto the couch.

"Okay," Rafe said in a quiet voice, “I want you to relax and tell every part of your body to relax, and I want you to keep looking at the pendulum as it swings, Follow it with your eyes. Let yourself sink into the pendulum and the chair. Listen to the ticking of

the clock, and, when I speak, to my volce."

For a long time he said nothing except, now and thcn, "Relax." In the fireplace I heard the sound of embers falling. I heard Rafe's voice murmuring near me. At first I was very tense, but

I did as he asked, and eventually my limbs began to lighten and to tingle, and the disc grew larger until it was very big. Then Rafe began to speak again: "It is the moon. It is filling the room. Nothing is here but you, the moon, and my voice. Let it take you. I am hcre ta protect you and help you. Your eyes are growing wider and wider, to swallow the moon, and 'all you can hear is my voice end the ticking of time. The moon, only the moon.

"Your limbs are growing heavy, and you see only the moon,”

but I could no longer feel my limbs tingling, I was lying on the softest place in the sky, on the moon which was enormous.

"And now you are growing very sleepy, Charles, and your eyelids are

beavy. The moonlight is hurting them. Let them close agalnst the light, Charles, let them clase and 1isten to me. Are you slcepy, Charlcs?"

"Yes," I said, "Very. The moon is hurting my eyes.”

“You are ssleep, Charles, and you hear nothing but my voice.

Is that so?”

"Yes,” I said. “My eyes are closed,” but I could see through the lids. The moon was pale among the scudding clouds.

"Are you asleep?"

"Yes."

"'What do you see?"

“The dim moon in the night aky, and I am in the sky too."

Now the voice became hollow, like a heavy gong. "Rise up and face me, rise up, Charles Ally!" I felt myself rise and turn. I was standing on nothing. I saw, with my eyes still closed, a priest in robes and cassock, darkly in the moonlight.

"I am Raphael, minister of God, Charles, and then: Speak! Who art thou that has taken this man?"

A ereat groan burst from my lips. Coils in my bowels, knots and aches.

"In the name of the Father, speak! In the name of the Son, speak! In the name of the Holy Ghost, speak, viper!"

A great voice, deeper than any well: "f am Asmodeus.”

"And I am Raphael, How didst thou enter? Speak, in the nsme of Christl"

"I am Asmodeus, of the Order of Seraphim. I came Into this man through his organ of procreation.”

“Are there others with thee? Speak!"

“No others," said the deep voice.

"I, Raphael, command thee in the name of the Lord, what others are there with thee in this man?"

Silence.

"In the name of the Father!”

Coilings and gnashings.

"And of the Son!”

A babble of voices in my lungs.

"And of the Holy Ghost!"

"I am here," said a soft and haughty voice. "Belial of the Third

Hierarchy, Prince of the Order of Virtues fallen. I entered through his mind, and have clothed him in the raiment of arrogance,"

"I entered with Belial.” said a towering voice. "I am Beelzebub, of

the First Hierarchy, Prince of the Order of Seraphim Fallen, I have pierced his heart with the lance of pride."

"I, Verrine, of the First Hierarchy, Order of Thrones Fallen. I entered with the point of the lance, and poisoned his blood with Impatience.”

"And I, Gresael, af the First Hierarchy, Order of Thrones Fallen, came in with the haft. His heart is unsure."

"Cerrow, of the Second Hierarchy, Prince of Powers Fellen. His heart is stone. No one may remove the lance,"

"And I am the last, Carnivan, of the Second Hierarchy, Prince of Powers fallen. In the mirror of glass he sees me when he commits fornication with women."

Tho babble ceased. In the darkness was the ticking of the moon.

"Are there others? Speak! In the name of the Trinity, I, Raphael, command it.”

Silence again, as before; lightning and thunder,

"Why hast thou possessed this man?'

The deep voice answered: "He wished it. He forsook his Father

when he was twelve, after baptism. He heard no voice when he addressed the Throne of Grace. He commanded, and heard not the Lord, and celled out, ‘Thou art gone from the heavens, and I am forsaken. Therefore will I forsake thee,' and we began to enter."

"How long wilt thou possess this man? What is thy term?"

"'Until the final hour," the softest voice said.

''I command thee then, vipers of the Serpent, the Worm that destroys the flesh, in the name of the Judge of the word and the

deed, of the hosts of Torment and Earth, of Heaven and Hell, begonel"

In my bowels the mortal terror; the scent of smoke in my nostrils. I felt Rafe’s hand laid upon my head, and it was cool.

"I conjure thee, Princes of Seraphim fallen, of Cherubim end Throne

fallen, in the name of thy Maker, begone!" I fell and twisted, writhing in the dark air, but felt no pain; my limbs were as cedars in the wind.

"I conjure thee, Princes of Thrones Fallen, of Principalities and

Powers Fallen, in tho name of the Holy Ghost, begone!"

Terrible noises in my throat. The hand was ice on my forehead, and I shook in every' part, as though torn by wolves.

"I conjure thee, Princes of Virtues Fallen, of Archangels and Angels Fallen, in the name of the Lord thy God, Jehovah, begone!"

I cannot describe the storm that now shook me, the voices that shrieked and cursed me, overwhelming. me so that I could hardly hear Raphael.

"Beelzebub, in the name of thy adversary, St. Francis of Assisi; Asmodeus, in the name of thy adversary, St. John the Baptist; Verrine, in the name of thy adversary, St, Dominic; Gresael, in the name of thy adversary, St, Reynard; Cerrow, in the name of thy adversary, St. Vincent; Carnivan, in the name of thy adversary, St. John the Evangelist; Belial, in the name of thy adversary, St. Francis de Paul, - all ye that possess this man, by the power of the Holy Church and of the Lord of Heaven. I, Raphael, command thee to go forth and enter not again!"

As he named those names, each and every one, I felt part of a burden go with great wailing, and, at the last word, there was silence. Then, the bell behind the moon peeled twelve times, and I opened my eyes. The room was suffused with a fiery glow from the fireplace.

Suddenly, with a yowl of rage, Wesley Catch tore out of the shadows into the fireplace and I beard his claws scratching the chimney as he ran among a burst of wings that faded into the night above the house,

I remember that Rafe and Cara helped me upstairs and into bed. Cara kissed me goodnight. I am too tired, now, to continue the narrative, I have not seen Catch all day.

Monday. When I awoke yesterday morning, after the exorcism, I lay

in bed and listened. I heard nothing but the ordinary sounds of Maine in llte autmn -- the wind, the water, the occasional distant sound of a csr or truck on the road. I looked around the house and everything was in its place -- the hallseat and the wardrobe, the fire, died to ash, in the fireplace, everything but the picture over the mantel. I went to look at the spot, and then I looked down into the grate: I saw the outline of a frame laid in ash. The canvas was entirely consumed.

I dressed and went looking for Cara. She was in the basement, just coming up the stairs as I entered the dining room. Without words, we greeted each other, and f kissed her. While she was making breakfast, I went up to the library and got out The Book of Common Prayer. Opening it to "All Saints Day," I read, "And f saw another angel ascending from the east…and he cried out with a loud voice to the other angels…, ‘Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants

of our God in their foreheads.’ And I heard the number of them which were Sealed; and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand, of all tbe tribes of Israel.

"Of the tribe of ,ludah were sealed twelve thousand.

“Of ths tribe of Reuben, were sealed twelve thousand.

“Of the tribe of Gad were sealed twelvs thousand.

"Of the tribe of Aser were sealed twelve thousand.

"Of the tribe of Nepthalem were sealed twelve thousand.

"Of the tribe of Paneesee were sealed twelve thousand,

"Of the tribe af Simeon were sealed twelve thousand.

"Of the tribe of Levi were sealed twelve thousand.

“Of the tribe of Isaac were sealed twelve thousand,

“of the tribe of Joseph ware sealed twelve thousand.

“Of the tribe af Benjamin were sealed twelve thousand.

"After this I beheld, and lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all. nations, and kindreds, and peoples, and tongues, stood before the throne, before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands and cried out in a loud voice, ‘Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb.’ And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders, and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God, saying, Amen!”

Rafe joined us for breakfast, snd he patted Cara's hand as she served us. "Everything okay?" he asked. Cara nodded, and he turned his eyes on me.

"Yes, " I said. "I think everything's all right now."

"Good. but I want to continue the sessions for a while, just to be sure." I must have looked alarmed, but he laughed, holding out his cup for Cara to fill. "Don't worry about it, Charles." He pushed the hair out of his eyes. "The first is the worst. f'rom here on out, it's just insurance. I'l1 be along next Saturday night, and we'll have another go."

When ilafe had left, I went out for a walk in the fields. Csra was on the porch, calling for Wesley Cetch. I came up to her and asked what she was doing.

"Calling the cat, of course."

I felt a cold shudder run down my spine. "'Whatever for? He isn't coming back, not after last night."

Cara looked strangely at me. "Charles, what are you talklng about?

"You were there too," I said. "Didn't you see him run up the

chimney?" I could not understand why she began to look-frightened. "The exorcism,' I said. "It worked. Asmodeus is gone."

She took me by the hand. "Charles," she said, very gently, "there was no exorcism, what are you ssying? Rafe put you to sleep and tried to make you see for yourself what was botherlng you, He didn't let you remember consciously this time, but he'll start to next time, now that he knows, and slowly you’ll be able to — Oh, Charles. he told ne all about it. You can't remember anything."

But I told her what I remembered, and she is feigning surprise. She must be, I havc worried about it all day. A while ago, I asked her why she thought Wesley Catch has disappeared.

"He’s just run off," Cara answered. "Toms will do that now and then,

you know.”

When I: came into Uncle John's study to write this evening, I found a letter Iying opened an the desk:

"Lowell, April 10, 1860

"Friend Charles,

"I received your letter last week, but I trust you will excuse me for not answering it before, I had to write home last Sunday and I was too 1azy to write any more. Miss Tilly Huckford arrived here last week, I have not seen her yet I went to see the H…. O…. last Sunday evening had a nice time, Ellen Harrier is coming home in about three weeks I presume you will be happy to see her, William Weston was here about three days ago, I did see him. As I was looklng over the Boston Journal I saw that the Knotting house has burned last Saturday. I think you had better have a fire engine as they have one here that goes by steam.

I need a nice excuse to go over to the river since Louisa has movsd. I can stop over there when I come home. Wont that be nice

Charle? Is Ssrah Allen in Lowell? If she is let me know for I should

like to see her. How are all the boys in Frankfort? Have they begun to think about shaving yet? It smells kind of fishy here sometimes when the factory girls are out.

"Today business has been very good for a rainy one we have taken on the cash sales besides what we have cleared, I had a letter from Laura Jack last week of Richmond Me. I hear the steamer G was burnt at her harbor, I suppose they will have another on the river pretty soon.

“Give my respects to all. the girls & boys

"You will have to excuse me for not writing any more it is all most time to shut up.

"Good by

"Wesley"

Tuesday, 3rd. I am overwhelmingly relieved to be rid of Bodman. Tomorrow I will try to get back to my novel.

Wednesday, 4th.

THE BOOK OF THE BLACK HEART

Chaptor Six,

The Gunner's Story

         It was the Gunner's mount the sailors were using that night to spin their sea stories on, as the carrier plowed through the star-bitten Pacific, and it was the Gunner's turn.

         "Looking back on things," he said, "I guess life had been pretty good, at least for me, until my old man kicked the bucket. I might've even been able to live with that if I hadn't've found out how he died one night when my mother thought I was asleep and got yakking to her best friend, somebody she'd known since she was in school.

         "Dad used to take me out to the lake for a day's fishing. We'd float around out there, just dangling our lines and hauling in the black bass. When we got tired we'd lie back in the bottom of our big, flat-bottomed scow, pull our straw hats down over our eyes, and let the sun beat down on us. Man, that was the life. We'd be stripped to the waist and sweating like horses. I could feel the sun soothing the muscles where they ached from being bent over the side of the boat. The smell of the fish we'd caught mixed with the pinewood smell of the scow. It was sort of like a nice form of ether and made me doze off.

         "Every now and then a shore breeze would blow by, and we could smell the woods that bordered the lake. The breeze would rumple around our heads for a few minutes, and just as we'd be getting used to it it would stop and the sun would beat down as hard as ever.

         "Once in a while a horsefly would buzz around me and finally decide to land. You have to slap 'em fast or they get away and pretty soon come back to pester you again.

         "After a while the breezes would start to come up more often and the sides of the boat would block off the sun, and we'd know it was time to go home. Dad would row all the way to shore while I sat and watched the last of the sun glint on his skin. There would be purple splotches in the sky over the wood, and the ripples in the water were gold.

         "I was always first out of the scow. I'd sprint over the side, splash into the water, and wade the last few feet to the beach. The sand felt good. And then I'd watch Dad as he got our gear out of the boat and walked toward me. Before he caught up with me I'd stretch till I felt my bones creak, and then lead the way along the path through the woods.

         We had to walk along this pine-needle path to get to Dad's jalopy. Sometimes we'd stop and listen to the wind in the big trees, or look for animals or birds. Sometimes there was a stray bee on its last trip back to the hive.

         "But then he died. I was there when they brought him in off the lake. After that I used to have a hard time getting to sleep. I'd go to bed and just lay there listening to my heard pump blood. If my mom checked on me I'd keep my eyes closed and make like I was in Dreamland.

         "One night I heard my mother in the hall whispering to somebody, and then she opened the door a crack and I heard her say, 'Doesn't he look cunning, all curled up in bed like that? Oh, you wouldn't believe what an imp he can be sometimes, not when you see him like this, the little angel. You'd never believe he has bad dreams sometimes, poor dear, ever since his dad died in that accident.' I heard her sigh.

         "'Poor Sally,' her friend said — I think her name was Smith, Alice Smith. 'You've had a hard life, but it's coming out all right, isn't it? You've hooked another one, haven't you? That's why I dropped in. I'm dying to hear all about it.'

         "'Oh, all right,' I heard mom giggle. 'But you've got to promise never to tell anybody. Some people might misunderstand, but I know you won't. I stirred. 'Sshh,' she whispered. "Come into the living room before he wakes up. Honestly, I never get a minute to myself any more. Come on. I'll tell you how I reeled him in.'

         "When they closed the door again I got up and snuck out to the hall. I heard them in the living room, so I eased on down to the doorway and listened.

         "'Beer?' mom asked, 'or something stronger?"

         "'Stronger,' Mrs. Smith said. I chanced a look around the corner and I could see them sitting sideways to me. I could see Alice was all ears. 'What's he like?' she asked.

         "'Oh, he's great!' Mom got up to mix martinis. 'He's a big brute of a fella, with fat freckled cheeks and a grin as wide as a pound of bacon. Rrrufff!'

         "'Tell me more! Where'd you meet him?' Alice took her drink as mom settled into the scatter pillows on the couch. She rolled her eyes and faked a look around her for spies. I ducked.

         "'Don't tell a soul, now promise?' Alice gave a nod full of quick breaths. 'Actually,' mom said in what was supposed to be a low voice, 'I met him before big Mark died. Oh! He swept me right off my feet one day at Danny's Lunch downtown. He just up and sat down at my table — the place was crowded, and the next thing I knew, his knees were nudging me so cute-like while we ate our noodle soup. Oh,' she laughed, 'he's such a card. Just like a little boy, even though he's so big.' She rolled her eyes again. I sat down on the floor in the hall and didn't look at them any more.

         "'Goodness, that's so romantic,' Alice Smith said. I could imagine her teats bobbing and her face flushing. I didn't have to see. 'How I envy you!' she said in little breaths.

         "'Till then I'd just been feeling like any old sack. Mark never paid any attention to me, you know. All he ever wanted to do was take junior fishing. Honestly. Two ten-year-olds in the house was too much.' She giggled again and was quiet while she sipped her drink. In the corner the teevee belched and flickered — I could see the shadows coming out into the hall. Then mom said, 'So, while my two boys were out fishing, Harry would come visit me. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.

         "'Well, this went on for about a month. I was getting about ready to get a lawyer when what should happen one day but Mark — big Mark I mean — walked in the door early from work.'

         "'No' said Mrs. Smith. I took a quick peek — the one eye I could see what as big and bright as a light bulb.

         "'Oh, yes,' said mother, 'and there we were all over the parlor rug, my skirts up around my hips and Harry huffing all over me, snorting like a....'" The Gunner stopped a minute to listen to the sea. Then, "Bull," he said.

         "'In a minute it was all over,' mom told Mrs. Smith. 'Mark got all red in the face and Harry got up. He was laughing. Oh, he knows how to take things. He zipped himself up and got ready for a fight.'

         "'Then what happened?' I heard Mrs. Smith gasp.

         "'Nothing. Mark just walked over to the closet and got his rod and things.'

         "'Rod!'

         "'Rod and reel.' Mom was quiet for another second. Then, '"I'm going fishing," Mark said. In his business suit, no less. '"In your business suit?" I asked. By this time I was decent again. But he didn't answer. He just walked to the door and out, and that's the last I saw of him.'

         "'Alive, anyhow.' I heard mom sip her drink and saw the flare of her lighter as she lit a cigarette. 'After big Mark left, about ten minutes later, maybe, little Mark came in just as Harry was about to leave. He just barely missed us finishing up the job big Mark had interrupted. I think he suspected something anyhow. He gave Harry a funny look and said, "Pop home yet?" I told him he'd gone fishing.

         "Without me?" Then he was out the door like a flash.' "I got up and went back to my room then," the Gunner said. "I slammed the door — I didn't give a shit if they heard me. Mom came in 'What was that door slamming?' she asked me, but I didn't answer. I just kept laying on the bed staring and remembering that day. I don't know how long mom stood there asking me how much I heard, I didn't even do anything when she shook me and bounced me up and down in the bed and slapped me. She finally stopped screaming and crying, and after a while there was the lake again, and it was late in the afternoon. something was wrong. I'd been running, or maybe pedaling my bike. I don't know how I got to the lake, because it was quite a way — I just knew I had to catch up.

         "By the time I was standing on the strip of beach I could feel the night starting to come on — the moon was already up flopping around in the tops of the pines like a sunfish. My legs hurt, and I couldn't breathe — it was like there was water in my chest. I looked for our scow, and it was out there, but there was something funny about it. And then I saw — it was upside-down, and there were a bunch of heads bobbing around it, and another boat. I started in to yell, 'Dad! Dad!' but nobody paid me any attention. Only when I took off my shoes and started to run into the water somebody grabbed me and said, 'Stay here, boy. They'll have him soon.'

         "But the moon was high before they brought him in, all soggy, and his eyes staring at me in the dark. His feet were all wound up in line and his metal gear box was caught in the line too. They all just stood around and looked at him, and sometimes they'd look at me too, and then away. I waited for something to happen, but nobody did anything. 'Why don't you all do something? Help him, help him! Jesus!' I said, but they all just shook their heads.

         ""'It's no use, son. He's been down there for three hours anyway, ' somebody said, a cop I think. 'The ambulance will be here soon.'

         "But I looked at him and I saw something. 'No, no, he's alive, don't you see?' I said. 'Look, his heart's beating, his heart...'

         "I managed to rip away from the guy that was holding me, and I fell down beside Dad and put my ear on his chest. I could feel it. His heart thumping, almost jumping out of his chest, trying to keep going. It was slimy wet against my ear, it was wriggling and squirming, even though you could see his face was beginning to bloat and it was all blue. I hugged him and looked up at them all standing around. 'Oh, Jesus, won't you help him!' I screamed. 'Look, his heart!' I tore open his shirt, still with his tie on.

         "And you could see it squirming and wiggling, see it with your naked eyes, — a fish caught in his undershirt, a big black bass, fighting to cut loose but losing, its head stuck out near the armpit, its bulgy eyes like to moons staring down at me out of the sky, out of the pines that reeled off into a dark voice that said, 'I wonder what mom will say when we get home for supper.' And then no more dreams, nothing," said the Gunner, "except night and the smell of pine."

         I can think of nowhere to go from here. I look ahead, and Nothus slips into nothingness; the ship looms across the indecipherable and unfathomable ocean without a helmsman. My books gather me in as though to say, "Time for a rest," but I am resisting them with all my power.

I have had another letter from Wesley Court, thank God:

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Eighteen

Friday, 30^th. During this period of distress, the family were called up;

and were much alarmed at my situation. This was in the dead of night; and it appeared to me that Satan would immediately tear me in pieces; which he seemed to threaten to do; and I was really afraid it would take place before the morning light. — My mother standing by my bedside, it now appears to me, was earnest in prayer — she asked me if I could pray for myself? when, I believe, I made an attempt to pray.

         But still I was afraid to have my brother leave the chamber, for fear I should be torn in pieces in his absence.

         And thus I waited in a kind of dreadful expectation of the solemn event. — But when I had waited a long time, and experienced no harm, my mind became more calm; and Satan's power for that time, was evidently arrested. — O how ought I here at least to set up my Ebenezer and say, Thus far the lord hath helped me. Can you believe, my friends, that some time during this dreadful night, I had again been in conversation with my supposed deity, who had been declaring to me my lost estate, and making out the sentence, that he would pronounce upon me at the great day of accounts. He seemed to declare to me, and in some measure, made it appear to me, that I was the worst person that ever lived on the earth: that I never did a good deed in all my life. That all that I ever had done was through pride, and to procure a higher seat in heaven.

         I begged him to spare me, and believe that I promised to reform; but he refused, and said, he would make an example of me. He seemed to bring up the case of Francis Spira, as an instance of it.

         "Do you know who Francis Spira was?" Asmodeus asked.

         "No," I said.

         "Why not look it up?"

         I went upstairs to the library. I began to reach for Uncle John's old Americana, but Asmodeus shook his head. "There's no entry. Try this one." He walked on all fours over to the shelves and poked his nose at A Universal Biographical Dictionary, which I hadn't used since I wrote the Salem narrative.

SPIRA, Francis, an eminent Venetian lawyer, in the 16th century. He was supposed to favor the tenets of the reformation, and compelled to make a recantation to save his life, which had such an effect upon his spirits, as to hasten his end. He died in 1548.

         As we walked back downstairs to the study I asked, "How do you suppose Bodman knew that?"

         "He was quite a reader, a lawyer himself, and had literary aspirations — you've seen all those poems in the Oration, scattered around and at the end of the book. Rather fancied himself as an intellectual and as a writer. Sound at all familiar? — no pun intended."

         I did not reply but reseated myself and went back to Bodman's narrative. Asmodeus chortled.

         But in declaring my eternal misery, he seemed to make a mistake: — for he coupled my misery with the name of another person; and upon my interrupting him and saying, Did you say, that such an one should be miserable? To which he answered, O no, you, you! — This gave me some little relief, for — it now turned in my mind, that it might not be the Divine Being. But still my mind was clouded, and the Adversary, as I suppose, still kept up his dismal suggestions. As he told me, in his way, that if I had not done a certain deed, which he named, he never should have drove me on, — to commit the unpardonable sin. — upon which I answered, I did it because I really thought it was my duty; and was directed to do it by God himself. To which he answered, you might have known it was the Devil.

         "What was the deed?" I asked Asmodeus.

         He twitched an ear. "On her death bed he made love to his wife for the last time. She asked him to — but more out of pity for him than out of her own desire. Ah, how I remember that scene," Wesley Asmodeus Catch said, flicking his pink tongue across his lips. "Unfortunately, she was a truly good woman, like Cara, and he couldn't hold onto her for very long — but she really slipped that time."

         And besides, he seemed to inform me, that when I was attacked in my bed, if I had got up, and got my father up, and put him to praying for me, and all the other christian people, and had exhorted myself to the utmost; I might have been kept from committing the unpardonable sin: but I had committed it, and therefore there was no hope for me.

         Can you believe, my friends, that a person should be so lost, under the power and terror of Satan, as to receive all this as coming from the "Supreme Being"? Thus I spent this dreary night, and the next I believe, was much like it in many respects; for I was filled with gloomy apprehensions, and dismal forebodings; appearances of frightful creatures were brought up to the imagination, and, indeed I may say, that Satan wrought more powerfully on the imagination this night than ever before. Though I was free from those convulsions, yet there was every thing frightful to the imagination, that Satan could present. And from what I have experienced, I believe I can say, and that without a doubt, that Satan can bring up to man's imagination, any being, or thing that ever came within the ken of his knowledge.

         O what a world of counterfeits, can he impose upon our defenceless race! —

         "Perfectly true," Asmodeus said, "except — what's a 'counterfeit'? A fake dollar will buy real goods if the seller thinks it's real. Right, Charles?":

         I nodded.

         "Am I real, Charles?"

         I nodded again.

         "Attaboy," Asmodeus purred.

Saturday, 31st. This morning I woke up early and dressed. Cara was still sleeping. I did not see Asmodeus anywhere. When I had thrown some cold water on my face I went to the library and took down a book I hadn't looked through before: an 1818 edition, published in London, of the Christian's Best Companion, containing The Whole Book of Common Prayer and Administration of The Sacraments, and other Rites and ceremonies of...the United Church of England and Ireland. I opened it to a page near the beginning and read a "Morning Prayer":

O all ye works of the Lord; bless ye the Lord; praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye angels of the Lord, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye heavens, bless ye the Lord; praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O all ye powers of the Lord — praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye sun and moon, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye stars of heaven, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye showers and dew, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye winds of god, — O ye fire and heat, — O ye winter and summer, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye dews and frosts, — ye frost and cold, — ice and snow, — ye nights and days, — light and darkness, — ye lightnings and clouds, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O let the earth bless the Lord: yea, let it praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye mountains and hills, — O all ye green things upon the earth, — ye wells, — seas and floods, — ye whales, and all that move in the waters, — all ye fowls of the air, — beasts and cattle, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye children of men, bless ye the Lord: praise him, — O let Israel bless the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         O ye priests of the Lord, — O ye servants of the Lord, — O ye spirits and souls of the righteous, — ye holy and humble men of heart, —

         O Ananias, Azarias, and Misael, bless ye the Lord: praise him, and magnify him for ever.

         Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost;

         As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be: world without end. Amen.

         When I had finished reading, I put the book down and walked up to the cemetery. The day was overcast, and a wind was blowing out of the east. I had forgotten to wear a jacket, and the rawness of the day chilled me, but I hardly noticed. I walked through the graveyard looking at the stones with the local family names: Putnam, Hawkins, Court — my eyes swung away and came back to those latter stones, and I scanned them. Some of the older ones were illegible, but then I saw the one I was looking for:

Wesley Court

May 2, 1834

Nov. 7, 1980

The phoenix shall rise from the Fire

         So he had come back from Lowell to Frankfort after all and had died a young man. I felt a brief sense of sorrow, as though I had been deprived of a friend. I thought — confusedly, for a moment — I'll get no more letters. Then I shook my head to clear it and realized what I had been thinking.

         I went to stand beside the two raw patches, without markers still, that adjoined Uncle John's gravesite. Leaves scattered and rustled across the dirt, and I heard a whisper, then a voice.

         "Hello, Charles," it said. "Well, here we all are, together at last."

         "Mommy, can I pat the kitty?" another voice asked. I looked and saw Asmodeus sitting on Melany's grave.

         "Yes, dear. Say hello to daddy."

         "Hello. You look kind of sick."

         "He is. That's because he's going to try to get rid of us tonight," Asmodeus said.

         "That won't work, Charles," Norine said. "You'll never be rid of us."

         "Why does daddy want to get rid of us?" Melany's voice carried a note of hurt. "Why did he go away that time?"

         Norine answered. "Because he found somebody he liked better than us."

         "Who? Cara?"

         "No," Asmodeus said. "Himself."

         My limbs began to tremble violently, like alders in the wind blowing over the fields. My stomach clenched over a stone.

         "Poor daddy," Melany said.

         I forced myself to turn away — it was like walking into a wall built of gales.

         "We're coming with you, Charles," Norine said. "We have nowhere else to go until you come with us."

         I didn't turn around but walked in slow motion over leagues of blue clay and stony ground, back to the house. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Catch padding along beside me, each paw frozen in air at every step.

         When finally I opened the door, I found Cara in the kitchen. She took one look at me and blanched. She reached into an apron pocket and took out something.

         "Rafe gave me this to give you if you needed it," she said. She handed it to me and filled a glass with water, handing me that, too.

         It was a large capsule. I took it with water and swallowed.

         "That will only help a while," Norine said. "Nothing will really help."

         "Anything, even for just a while," I said.

         "What?" Cara looked at me peculiarly, a suspicion of fright in her eyes.

         I shook my head. In a few minutes my stomach relaxed, and I felt drowsy.

         "How about some lunch — did you have breakfast?"

         I shook my head again. "I can't eat anything today. But I'd like to sleep." I went upstairs and lay down. Just before I closed my eyes I saw the death's head looking at me from the mantel.

         When I woke, it was evening. I sat down and wrote this. It is now nearing ten o'clock, and I hear voices in the kitchen. Rafe has arrived.

November, 1970

Sunday, 1^st. I have, I believe, been purged, although Rafe says the "hypnotherapy" must be continued. I understand I was to be left with the post-hypnotic suggestion that I remember nothing of what occurred, but in fact I recall everything vividly, although Cara, for some reason, swears that what I remember, and what actually happened, are entirely different from one another.

         The first thing Rafe did was to take down the clock from the living-room mantel as I and Cara watched. He set it on a table, took a small can of some sort of luminous paint and a brush, and painted the disc of the pendulum. Then, leaving the panel open, he started the pendulum swinging again.

         Next, he took a small lamp with an odd-looking bulb in it, plugged it in, and asked Cara to turn off the lights. He then arranged the lamp so that it caused the pendulum disc to glow — the lamp itself cast no glow at all. "It's black light," Rafe said. "Most coffee houses have them The paint is da-glo."

         When he had things arranged properly, he asked Cara to turn the lights back on. When she had done so, he asked me to help him place a Morris chair in front of the clock, which I did. He then told me to sit in it.

         When I was sitting, he asked me to tell him when my eyes were on an exact level with the swinging pendulum, and he commenced to adjust the back of the chair. When I was leaning back at the correct angle, I told him so, and he dropped the rod into place in the notches to make the chair-back rigid. He asked if I were comfortable, and I nodded.

         Now Rafe moved another chair into position just slightly behind me and to one side. He signaled Cara who doused the lights, and, from the sounds of her movements, I could tell she settled onto the couch.

         "Okay," Rafe said in a quiet voice, "I want to you relax now — tell every part of your body to relax, and I want you to keep looking at the pendulum as it swings. Follow it with your eyes. Let yourself sink into the pendulum and the chair and the darkness. Listen to the ticking of the clock, and, when I speak, to my voice."

         For a long time he said nothing except, now and then, "Relax." My eyes followed the swinging disc. In the fireplace I heard the sound of wings, and, outdoors, the rushing of the water past the ruined mill. I heard Rafe's even breathing near me. At first I was very tense, but I did as he asked, and gradually my limbs began to lightedn and to tingle, and the disc grew larger will it was very big, like a moon. Then Rafe began to speak.

         "It is the moon, Charles Ally," he said. "it is filling the room. Nothing is here but you, the moon, and my voice. Let it take you, Charles. I am here to protect you and help you. Your eyes are growing wide and wider, to swallow the moon, and all you can hear is my voice and the ticking of time.

         "Your limbs are growing heavy, heavy, and you see only the moon, only the moon, only the moon."

         I could no longer feel my limbs tingling. I was lying on the softest place in the sky, and the moon rose up in my eyes till it was enormous.

         "And now you are growing very sleepy, Charles, and your eyelids are heavy. The moonlight is hurting them. Let them close against the light, Charles, let them close and listen to me. Are you sleepy, Charles?

         "Yes," I said. "Very. The moon is hurting my eyes."

         "Now, Charles, you are asleep, and you hear nothing but my voice. Is that so?"

         "Yes," I said. My eyes were closed, but I could see through the lids. The moon was very pale among the scudding clouds.

         "Are you asleep?"

         "Yes."

         "What do you see?"

         "The dim moon in the night sky, and I am in the sky too."

         And now the voice became hollow, like a hevy gong. "Rise up and face me. Rise up, Charles Ally." I felt myself rise and turn. I was standing on nothing. I saw, with my eyes still closed, a priest in robes and cassock, darkly in the moonlight.

         I, Raphael, minister of God, command thee: Speak! Who are thou that hast taken this man?"

         A great groan burst from my lips. Coils in my boweld, knots and scales.

         "In the name of the Father, speak! In the sane of the Son, speak! In the name of the Holy Gost, speak, viper!"

         A great voice, deeper than any well: "I am Asmodeus."

         "And I am Raphael. How didst thou enter? Speak, in the name of Christ!"

         "I am Asmodeus, of the Order of Seraphim fallen. I came into this man through his organ of procreation."

         "Are there others with thee? Speak!"

         "No others," said the deep voice.

         "I, Raphael, command thee in the name of the Lord. What others are there with thee in this man?"

         Silence.

         "In the name of the Father — "

         Coilings and lashings.

         "And of the Son — "

         A babble of voices in my lungs.

         "And of the Holy Ghost — "

         "I am here," said a soft and haughty voice. "Belias of the Third Hierarchy, Prince of the Order of Virtues fallen. I entered through his mind and have clothed him in the raiment of arrogance."

         "I entered with Belias," said a towering voice. "I am Beelzebub, of the First Hierarchy, Prinde of the Order of Seraphim fallen. I have pierced his heart with the lance of pride."

         "I, Verrine, of the First Hierarchy, Order of Thones fallen. I entered with the point of the lance, and poisoned his blood with impatience."

         "And I, Gressil, of the First Hierarchy, Order of Thrones fallen, came in the the haft. His heart is impure."

         "Carrow, of the Second Hierarchy, Prince of Powers fallen. His heart is stone. No one may remove the lance."

         "And I am the last, Carnivean, of the Second Hierarchy, Prince of Powers fallen. In the mirror of glass he sees me when he commits fornication with women."

         The babel ceased. In the darkness was the ticking of the moon.

         "Are there others? Speak? In the name of the Trinity, I, Raphael, command it."

         Silence again, as before lightning and thunder.

         "Why hast thou possessed this man?"

         And the deep voice answered: "He wished it. He forsook his father when he was twelve, after baptism. He heard no voice when he addressed the Throne of Grace. He commanded, and heard not the Word, and called out, crying, 'Thou art gone from the heavens, and I am forsaken. Therefore will I forsake thee.' And we began to enter."

         "How long wilt thou possess this man? What is thy term?"

         "Until the final hour," said the softest voice.

         "I command thee, then, Vipers of the spirit, Wyvern and Serpent, the Worm that destroys the flesh, in the name of the Judge of the quick and the dead, of the hosts of Firmament and Earth, of Heaven and Hell, begone!"

         Again in my bowels the mortal terror; coilings and knottings; the scent of smoke in my nostrils. I felt a hand laid upon my head, and it was cool.

         "I conjure thee, Princes of Seraphim fallen, of Cherubim and Thones fallen, in the name of thy Maker, begone!"

         I fell and twisted, writhing in the dark air, but felt no pain; my limbs were as cedars in the winds.

         "I conjure thee, Princes of Dominions fallen, of Principalities and Powers fallen, in the name of the Most Holy, begone!"

         Terrible noises in my throat. The hand was ice on my forehead, and I shook in every part, as though torn by wolves.

         "I conjure thee, Princes of Virtues fallen, of Archangels and Angels fallen, in the name of the Lord thy God, Adonai, begone!"

         I cannot describe the storm that now shook me, the voices that shrieked and cursed me, overwhelming me so that I could hardly hear Raphael.

         "Beelzebub, in the name of thy adversary, St. Francis of Assisi; Asmodeus, in the name of thy adversary, St. John the Baptists; Verrine, in the name of thy adversary, St. Dominic; Gressil, in the name of thy adversary, St. Bernard; Carrow, in the name of thy adversary, St. Vincent; Carnivean, in the name of thy adversary, St. John the Evanngelist; Belias, in the name of thy adversary, St. Francis de Paul — all ye that possess this man, by the power of the Holy Church and of the Lord of All, I, Raphael, command thee to go fort and enter not again."

         As he named these names, each and every one, I felt part of a burden go with great wailing. And, at the last word, there was silence. Then, the bell behind the moon pealed twelve times and I opened my eyes. The room was suffused with a fiery glow from the fireplace.

         Suddenly, with a yowl of rage, Wesley Catch tore out of the shadows, into the fireplace, and I heard his c laws scratching the chimney as he ran upward among a burst of wings that faded into the night above the farm.

         I remember that Rafe and Cara helped me upstairs and into bed. Cara kissed me goodnight.

         I am too tired, now, to continue the narrative. I have not seen Catch all day.

Monday, 2^nd. When I awoke yesterday morning, after the exorcism, I lay in bed and listened. I heard nothing but the lonely sounds of Maine in late autumn: the wind, the water, the occasional distant sound of a car or truck on the Gardiner road. I looked around the room and everything was in its place — the hallseat by the wardrobe, the fire, died to ash, in the fireplace. Everything but the picture over the mantel. I got up, went to look at the spot, and then I looked down into the grate: I saw the outline of a frame laid in ash. The canvas was entirely consumed.

         I dressed and went looking for Cara. She was in the basement, just coming up the stairs as I entered the dining room. Without words, we greeted one another, and I kissed her. While she was making breakfast, I went up the the library and got down The Book of Common Prayer. Opening it to "All Saints Day," I read,

         "And I saw another angel ascending from the east, and having the seal of the living God; and he cried out with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth, and the sea, saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, will we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads. And I heard the number of them which were sealed; and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand, of all the tribes of Israel.

         "Of the tribe of Juda were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Reuben, were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Gad were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Aser were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Nepthalim were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Manasses were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Simeon were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Levi were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Issachar were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Zabulon were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Joseph were sealed twelve thousand.

         "Of the tribe of Benjamin were sealed twelve thousand.

         "after this I beheld, and lo, a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and peoples, and tongues, stood before the throne, and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, and palms in their hands; and cried out with a loud voice, saying, Salvation to our God which sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb. And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders, and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God, saying, Amen; Blessing and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honour, and power, and might be unto our God for ever and ever. Amen."

         Rafe joined us for breakfast, and he patted Cara's hand as she served us. "Everything okay?" he asked. Cara nodded, and he turned his eyes on me.

         "Yes," I said. "I think everything's all right now."

         "Good. But I want to continue the sessions for a while, just to be sure." I must have looked alarmed, but he laughed, holding out his cup for Cara to fill.

         "Don't worry about it, Charles." He pushed the hair out of his eyes. "The first is the worst. From here on out, it's just insurance. I'll be along next Saturday night, and we'll have another go."

         When Rafe had left I went out for a walk in the fields. Cara was on the porch, calling for Wesley Catch. I came up to her and asked what she was doing.

         "Calling the cat, of course."

         I felt a cold shudder run down my spine.

         "Whatever for? He can't come back — not after last night."

         Cara looked strangely at me. "Charles, what are you talking about? You're not still —"

         "But you were there too," I said. "Didn't you see hum run up the chimney?" I could not understand why she began to look frightened.

         "The exorcism," I said. "It worked. Asmodeus is gone."

         She took me by the hand. "Charles," she said, very gently, "there was no exorcism. What are you saying? Rafe put you to sleep and tried to make you see for yourself what was bothering you. He didn't let you remember consciously this time, but he'll start to next time, now that he knows, and slowly you'll be able to — oh, Charles. He told me all about it. You can't remember anything."

         But I told her what I remembered, and she is feigniong surprise. She must be. I have worried about it all day. A while ago I cited as proof that Wesley Catch has disappeared.

         "He's just run off," Cara answered. "Toms will do that now ant then, you know. I just hope a fox hasn't caught him."

         When I came into Uncle John's study to write this evening, I found a letter lying opened on the desk:

                                                                        "Lowell, April 10, 1860

"Friend Charles,

         I received your letter last week, but I trust you will excuse me for not answering it before, I had to write hom last Sunday & was too lazy to write any more. Miss Lydia Buckford arived here last week. I have not seen yer yet I was to see the Harris Girls last Sunday evening had a nice time. Ellen Harris is coming home in about three weeks I presume you will be happy to see her. William Martin was here about three days ago I did see him. As I was looking over the Boston Journal I saw that Mrs. Moffatts house has burned last Saturday. I think you had better have some fire engen as they have one here that goes by steam. Charles we will have a nice excuse to go over to the river since Louisa has mooved I shall stop over there when I come home. Wont that be nice

         "Charles is Srah Allen in Lowell if she is let me know it I should like to see her. How are all the boys in Frankfort. have they began to think about shading yet. it smells kind of fishy here sometimes when the factory girls are out

         "Today business has been very good for a rainy one we have taken $150. on the cash sales besides what we have charged. I had a letter from Laura Jack last week of Richmond Me. I here the steamer Easter Queen was burnt at her harbor. I suppose they will have another on the river prety soon Give my respects to all the girls & boys.

         "You will have to excuse me for not writing any more it is all most time to shut up

                                                      "Good by

                                                               "Wesley"

Tuesday, 3^rd. I am overwhelmingly relieved to be rid of Bodman. Tomorrow I will try to get back to my novel.

Wednesday, 4t..

THE BOOK OF THE BLACK HEART

Chapter six: The Gunner

         It was the Gunner's mount the sailors were using that night to spin their sea stories on, as the carrier plowed through the star-bitten Pacific, and it was the Gunner's turn.

         "Looking back on things," he said, "I guess life had been pretty good, at least for me, until my old man kicked the bucket. I might've even been able to live with that if I hadn't've found out how he died one night when my mother thought I was asleep and got yakking to her best friend, somebody she'd known since she was in school.

         "Dad used to take me out to the lake for a day's fishing. We'd float around out there, just dangling our lines and hauling in the black bass. When we got tired we'd lie back in the bottom of our big, flat-bottomed scow, pull our straw hats down over our eyes, and let the sun beat down on us. Man, that was the life. We'd be stripped to the waist and sweating like horses. I could feel the sun soothing the muscles where they ached from being bent over the side of the boat. The smell of the fish we'd caught mixed with the pinewood smell of the scow. It was sort of like a nice form of ether and made me doze off.

         "Every now and then a shore breeze would blow by, and we could smell the woods that bordered the lake. The breeze would rumple around our heads for a few minutes, and just as we'd be getting used to it it would stop and the sun would beat down as hard as ever.

         "Once in a while a horsefly would buzz around me and finally decide to land. You have to slap 'em fast or they get away and pretty soon come back to pester you again.

         "After a while the breezes would start to come up more often and the sides of the boat would block off the sun, and we'd know it was time to go home. Dad would row all the way to shore while I sat and watched the last of the sun glint on his skin. There would be purple splotches in the sky over the wood, and the ripples in the water were gold.

         "I was always first out of the scow. I'd sprint over the side, splash into the water, and wade the last few feet to the beach. The sand felt good. And then I'd watch Dad as he got our gear out of the boat and walked toward me. Before he caught up with me I'd stretch till I felt my bones creak, and then lead the way along the path through the woods.

         We had to walk along this pine-needle path to get to Dad's jalopy. Sometimes we'd stop and listen to the wind in the big trees, or look for animals or birds. Sometimes there was a stray bee on its last trip back to the hive.

         "But then he died. I was there when they brought him in off the lake. After that I used to have a hard time getting to sleep. I'd go to bed and just lay there listening to my heard pump blood. If my mom checked on me I'd keep my eyes closed and make like I was in Dreamland.

         "One night I heard my mother in the hall whispering to somebody, and then she opened the door a crack and I heard her say, 'Doesn't he look cunning, all curled up in bed like that? Oh, you wouldn't believe what an imp he can be sometimes, not when you see him like this, the little angel. You'd never believe he has bad dreams sometimes, poor dear, ever since his dad died in that accident.' I heard her sigh.

         "'Poor Sally,' her friend said — I think her name was Smith, Alice Smith. 'You've had a hard life, but it's coming out all right, isn't it? You've hooked another one, haven't you? That's why I dropped in. I'm dying to hear all about it.'

         "'Oh, all right,' I heard mom giggle. 'But you've got to promise never to tell anybody. Some people might misunderstand, but I know you won't. I stirred. 'Sshh,' she whispered. "Come into the living room before he wakes up. Honestly, I never get a minute to myself any more. Come on. I'll tell you how I reeled him in.'

         "When they closed the door again I got up and snuck out to the hall. I heard them in the living room, so I eased on down to the doorway and listened.

         "'Beer?' mom asked, 'or something stronger?"

         "'Stronger,' Mrs. Smith said. I chanced a look around the corner and I could see them sitting sideways to me. I could see Alice was all ears. 'What's he like?' she asked.

         "'Oh, he's great!' Mom got up to mix martinis. 'He's a big brute of a fella, with fat freckled cheeks and a grin as wide as a pound of bacon. Rrrufff!'

         "'Tell me more! Where'd you meet him?' Alice took her drink as mom settled into the scatter pillows on the couch. She rolled her eyes and faked a look around her for spies. I ducked.

         "'Don't tell a soul, now promise?' Alice gave a nod full of quick breaths. 'Actually,' mom said in what was supposed to be a low voice, 'I met him before big Mark died. Oh! He swept me right off my feet one day at Danny's Lunch downtown. He just up and sat down at my table — the place was crowded, and the next thing I knew, his knees were nudging me so cute-like while we ate our noodle soup. Oh,' she laughed, 'he's such a card. Just like a little boy, even though he's so big.' She rolled her eyes again. I sat down on the floor in the hall and didn't look at them any more.

         "'Goodness, that's so romantic,' Alice Smith said. I could imagine her teats bobbing and her face flushing. I didn't have to see. 'How I envy you!' she said in little breaths.

         "'Till then I'd just been feeling like any old sack. Mark never paid any attention to me, you know. All he ever wanted to do was take junior fishing. Honestly. Two ten-year-olds in the house was too much.' She giggled again and was quiet while she sipped her drink. In the corner the teevee belched and flickered — I could see the shadows coming out into the hall. Then mom said, 'So, while my two boys were out fishing, Harry would come visit me. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.

         "'Well, this went on for about a month. I was getting about ready to get a lawyer when what should happen one day but Mark — big Mark I mean — walked in the door early from work.'

         "'No' said Mrs. Smith. I took a quick peek — the one eye I could see what as big and bright as a light bulb.

         "'Oh, yes,' said mother, 'and there we were all over the parlor rug, my skirts up around my hips and Harry huffing all over me, snorting like a....'" The Gunner stopped a minute to listen to the sea. Then, "Bull," he said.

         "'In a minute it was all over,' mom told Mrs. Smith. 'Mark got all red in the face and Harry got up. He was laughing. Oh, he knows how to take things. He zipped himself up and got ready for a fight.'

         "'Then what happened?' I heard Mrs. Smith gasp.

         "'Nothing. Mark just walked over to the closet and got his rod and things.'

         "'Rod!'

         "'Rod and reel.' Mom was quiet for another second. Then, '"I'm going fishing," Mark said. In his business suit, no less. '"In your business suit?" I asked. By this time I was decent again. But he didn't answer. He just walked to the door and out, and that's the last I saw of him.'

         "'Alive, anyhow.' I heard mom sip her drink and saw the flare of her lighter as she lit a cigarette. 'After big Mark left, about ten minutes later, maybe, little Mark came in just as Harry was about to leave. He just barely missed us finishing up the job big Mark had interrupted. I think he suspected something anyhow. He gave Harry a funny look and said, "Pop home yet?" I told him he'd gone fishing.

         "Without me?" Then he was out the door like a flash.' "I got up and went back to my room then," the Gunner said. "I slammed the door — I didn't give a shit if they heard me. Mom came in 'What was that door slamming?' she asked me, but I didn't answer. I just kept laying on the bed staring and remembering that day. I don't know how long mom stood there asking me how much I heard, I didn't even do anything when she shook me and bounced me up and down in the bed and slapped me. She finally stopped screaming and crying, and after a while there was the lake again, and it was late in the afternoon. something was wrong. I'd been running, or maybe pedaling my bike. I don't know how I got to the lake, because it was quite a way — I just knew I had to catch up.

         "By the time I was standing on the strip of beach I could feel the night starting to come on — the moon was already up flopping around in the tops of the pines like a sunfish. My legs hurt, and I couldn't breathe — it was like there was water in my chest. I looked for our scow, and it was out there, but there was something funny about it. And then I saw — it was upside-down, and there were a bunch of heads bobbing around it, and another boat. I started in to yell, 'Dad! Dad!' but nobody paid me any attention. Only when I took off my shoes and started to run into the water somebody grabbed me and said, 'Stay here, boy. They'll have him soon.'

         "But the moon was high before they brought him in, all soggy, and his eyes staring at me in the dark. His feet were all wound up in line and his metal gear box was caught in the line too. They all just stood around and looked at him, and sometimes they'd look at me too, and then away. I waited for something to happen, but nobody did anything. 'Why don't you all do something? Help him, help him! Jesus!' I said, but they all just shook their heads.

         ""'It's no use, son. He's been down there for three hours anyway, ' somebody said, a cop I think. 'The ambulance will be here soon.'

         "But I looked at him and I saw something. 'No, no, he's alive, don't you see?' I said. 'Look, his heart's beating, his heart...'

         "I managed to rip away from the guy that was holding me, and I fell down beside Dad and put my ear on his chest. I could feel it. His heart thumping, almost jumping out of his chest, trying to keep going. It was slimy wet against my ear, it was wriggling and squirming, even though you could see his face was beginning to bloat and it was all blue. I hugged him and looked up at them all standing around. 'Oh, Jesus, won't you help him!' I screamed. 'Look, his heart!' I tore open his shirt, still with his tie on.

         "And you could see it squirming and wiggling, see it with your naked eyes, — a fish caught in his undershirt, a big black bass, fighting to cut loose but losing, its head stuck out near the armpit, its bulgy eyes like to moons staring down at me out of the sky, out of the pines that reeled off into a dark voice that said, 'I wonder what mom will say when we get home for supper.' And then no more dreams, nothing," said the Gunner, "except night and the smell of pine."

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Seventeen

Part Seventeen

Monday, 26^th. This morning I went to the post-office. There were a letter and a package waiting. Both were from Norine, postmarked the 17th, the day of the accident. The letter was datelined,

                                                                                 "October 16, 1970

"Dearest Charles,

         "How entirely typical of you to resort to literary quotations when you wish to insult someone. You are never at a loss for words — provided, of course, they belong to someone else. You made such a good Professor of English. It is too bad you couldn't be satisfied with that — but, no, you must be a writer yourself. Isn't it a shame that willpower can't replace talent?

         "If some of your allegations regarding me are true, dear, they were not always so. Do you remember our early years? The days when I was a loving and dutiful wife? Even then you could not be satisfied with a happy home, with good friends, a congenial occupation at an adequate salary. Comfort and security and pride in your vocation did not suffice, for you were already running after an elusive female — in this case your Muse, Erato, as you were later to chase Cara...and how many others? Were there others, Charles, to substitute for the Genius that evaded you?

         "Well, no matter. You ignored us — Melany and me — to lock yourself away and make love to a typewriter. We sat together, your daughter and I, and watched television in the other room — how many commercials, how many children's shows, cartoons, soap operas, situation comedies, while you masturbated on paper.

         "And if, sometimes, you came out among us, how often did you snap and act surly if we disturbed your interior monologue with yourself? How often did Melany go to bed weeping, asking as I sat beside her on the bed, 'What's wrong with daddy? Doesn't he love us?'

         "I would lie. I would say, 'Of course he does, dear. It's just that he has a lot on his mind. We must try not to bother him.' We must learn not to disturb you and your bitch Muse as you chased her around your desk, under that painting of the nude and headless secretary.

         "When was it I began to retaliate, Charles? When was it I decided, down deep in the center of my heart, without words, that if you could withhold yourself from us, I could withhold myself from you? I don't know. Perhaps you can pinpoint it. Perhaps you remember when I began to grow hard, to match and stand against your hardness.

         "I mean even your hard cock, Charles, for I saw you only when your basic drives forced your mind to stand aside now and then. Food, sex, exhaustion. As those were the times we met, those were the times I could combat you.

         "If I became a bad wife, it was you who molded my clay — you were a much better sculptor than you a writer, my love.

         "But that's enough. I believe you know these things someplace underneath consciousness.

         "Melany and I have gone to another auction, and we have found a small old painting we thought you might enjoy. We are mailing it with this letter — so look for it — and look at it, Charles. See it up close, and keep your distance.

         "One last word: you are wrong about which of Jonson's witches I am. I am the one who says,

       "'I went to the toade, breeds under the wall,

         I charmed him out, and he came at my call;

         I scratch'd out the eyes of the owle before;

         I tore the batts wings: what would you have more?'

And Cara is the Dame who called us together.

"Norine."

         I would not let Cara read the letter, but she watched as I opened the package, and her eyes showed wonder when she saw the painting. "It's beautiful," she said. And it was.

         It was a scene of clouds and angels, rising and descending between heaven and earth. It was done in oils; the colors were not vivid, but a brightness suffused the entire canvas. We examined it closely together as it lay on my lap, Cara leaning over my shoulder to look.

         "I'll hang it over the mantel in my room," I said. Cara came with me upstairs, and I took down the picture that was there to hang the new one.

We stood looking at it for a time, and then I crossed the room to the window to look out over the riveryard towards the water. Cara walked over to stand with me, taking my arm, and we watched the grass move in a cool wind, the limbs of the trees along the riverbank nodding slightly, the thin sun streaking high clouds.

         We were quiet awhile, Cara silently comforting me with strokes along my arm, laying her head lightly against my shoulder.

         After a period she turned to go downstairs. I heard, or perhaps I felt her stop, stiffen, and give a small gasp. I turned to see what was the matter and followed the direction of her stare — those lovely gray eyes were starting out of the locket of her countenance. There, hanging above the mantel, was a death's head in a frame looking back at us.

         For a moment I could not move, and then I forced myself to step forward slowly. As I approached the picture I saw the outlines of the skull begin to blur and to resolve themselves into clouds and angels instead.

         I turned back to Cara. "It's a trick painting," I said, "a nineteenth century memento mori. I beckoned to her. She came forward and saw.

         "Take it down," she said, "and burn it."

         I shook my head. "Norine knew me better than that. We'll keep it.

         "You're a fool, Charles," Cara said. As she stepped away to go downstairs I could see her face was very pale, and her hands trembled. I went to the library and looked up the speech of the Dame who, Norine had said, was Cara:

       Yes: I have broughte, to help your vows,

         Horned poppie, cypress boughes,

         A fig-tree wild, that grows on tombes,

         And juice that from the larch-tree comes,

         The basiliskes bloud, and the vipers skin;

         And now our orgies let's begin.

         The Book of the Black Heart is falling to pieces.

Tuesday, 27^th. This morning, when I awoke, I saw that a demon perched on my chest was regarding me with yellow eyes.

         "Who are you?" I asked.

         It flicked its black tail. "Come now, Charles, you know me well enough. I've been with you a long time."

         As I recall, I felt nothing, not even surprise. I shook my head. "No, I don't know you."

         The demon sighed. "Playing dumb isn't going to help, you know." It cocked its head at me, but I said nothing. I did not attempt to move.

         The demon rolled its eyes. "Okay, then, I'm Asmodeus, your familiar. Now do you remember me?"

         I nodded but said nothing. The demon nodded too and began to laugh. "That's right — the marriage demon. I deal in lechery and complaints of the mattress. We're good old companions." He continued to look amused as I tried to recall when first we had met.

         "You should be able to remember that," he said. "I had visited you a few times, without your knowing, but when I took possession I whistled."

         I remembered. It was before Norine and I had been married. We had been out on a date, and I had brought her home late — her parents had been asleep upstairs, so we sat and petted awhile on the couch. Suddenly, we had both gotten serious — for the first time. I said, "Take off your clothes."

         Norine had simply looked at me, quite calmly, then gotten up and stripped while I sat there watching. She had stood before me, naked, and I sat looking at her. I had made no move to disrobe myself — she simply stood, and I sat, and then I reached out to touch, to feel her body — her breasts, with their hard nipples, her stomach and thighs, the hair upon the Mound of Venus, the dark, moist hollow, which I explore with my finger.

         I remember a sense of power and possession — and something else: a condescension, or a feeling of superiority: she had taken her clothes off as I commanded, and now I sat doing as I would.

         "That was my work," Asmodeus said, yawning. His teeth were sharp in his black jaws.

         Then I had risen, slowly, my eyes fastened to Norine's, and taken off my own clothes. We each watched, in the depths of pupil and iris, the swelling dawn of conscious purpose in the other. There was nothing about the act that we did not foresee.

         Norine reached and stroked my standing member, and I put my finger into her again, pulled her toward me. We kissed each other gently, then we parted, and Norine lay down, spreading her legs, her knees bent upward.

         I went in, deliberately, my eyes open. Norine closed hers, and as I reached full stroke she gasped once, and began to moan.

         And then...a sharp whistle!

         Asmodeus laughed and dug a claw into my chest, pricking the skin.

         Norine and I had frozen, our muscles utterly rigid. The whistle had come from so close by — a piercing, shrill sound — that someone had to be in the doorway just at the head of the couch.

         I had finally forced myself out and off. I had pulled on my clothes hurriedly and gone to look — no more than a few seconds could have passed, though it had seemed longer.

         No one was in the doorway, nor in the kitchen, nor on the sunporch. I had gone outdoors to circle the house — no one. Nothing had moved, we had heard no other sounds, and the whistle hadn't wakened Norine's parents.

         "You were really upset," Asmodeus said. "I laughed till I feared you'd hear me. I was sitting on the arm of the couch all along. Ah, I love a good joke." He flicked his tail and dug in another claw.

         Norine and I had sat for a long time after that, listening to our hearts begin to settle and alarm abate.

         "It must have been Walter," she had said.

         "Your cousin?"

         Norine had nodded, and I had agreed as chagrin filled me. It would be Walter's style.

         Asmodeus said, "You waited a long time for Walter to say something, to toss you a snide hint or a dirty leer."

         "He never did," I said. "I'm glad you told me. That's been a mystery for years.

         "Well," Asmodeus said, "now you know. Here she comes."

         From the doorway Cara said, "Who are you talking to, Charles?" She looked at Asmodeus. "Oh," she said, and walked over to us. She reached down and picked him up. I didn't turn my head but kept staring rigidly forward.

         "How are you, you sweet black thing?" she asked. "I've never heard you talk to Wesley before, Charles."

         I forced my head to turn and saw Catch folded into the crook of her arm. He was purring.

         I have not told her the truth.

Wednesday, 28^th. I am finishing Bodman's book at last. Catch is with me. Bodman says he had a final "dreadful conflict":

         How it was with me now for two or three days, I cannot precisely tell: in a short time from this, I slept at my brother's with a Mr. Elizah Hayden, a very worthy, pious man. — Mr. Hayden rose early in the morning and left me in bed. — And about that time, or a little after, the glory of the God of Israel, seemed to fill the room; there seemed to be a light, somewhat resembling material light, while a fixed view, or vision of God, and the heavenly world, seemed to appear. Here were no voices, nor any communications: but my whole soul seemed as it were absorbed and swallowed up, with one vast abstract view of God, and the heavenly world.

         It appeared to me that I was surrounded with holy beings, yet I heard them not; but they seemed to be employed in the same glorious work with myself; — contemplating the glorious perfections of God. They seemed to be — like moveless statues of wonder — ; filled with deep surprise, and a holy, heavenly air seemed to pervade the whole.

         I doubt not that I was in possession of my reason at this time; —

         "Of course," Asmodeus said from his position on top of Uncle John Putnam's rolltop desk. "Perfectly same."

— I thought within myself what an easy thing it would be to die.

         "Easy for some people," the demon said. "In this particular case, Bodman lived to a very ripe old age. When his first book was published he was middle-aged — old, actually, by standards of those days.

         "His first book?"

         Asmodeus nodded. "He wrote all the time. He published another Oration."

         I lifted an eyebrow.

         "Oh, I was there, I was there too. Poor old Manoah. You should have heard the puns his neighbors pulled on that name, with that New England accent, you know. 'Ma-noo-ah,' they would say. 'Heah comes Ma-noo-ah fo-ah yo-ah gah-den.' They sounded just like your average Frankfurter today. They thought he was dotty, of course. I suppose your friend the Reverend Rafe would say he was an epileptic. But a rose by any other...."

         It appeared to me that the transit, from the state I was then in, to join these holy beings was short. And I moreover, made one or two attempts to see if I had power to bring my affections down to the earth; or fix them upon any thing here below; but I found that I could not; for my soul made me like the chariots of Aminadib; and immediately to arise to holy wonder and contemplation. In this state I continued about three hours, for I was able to ascertain the time very nearly. — This was succeeded by another great scene of glory on the morning following. How long this lasted I cannot tell; it might be an hour or more. —

         I now resolved to do my whole duty, and oppose Satan with all my might; and set myself about it immediately.

         "Perfectly useless," said Asmodeus.

Can you believe, O reader, that I was now verging towards the most dreadful conflict with Satan, I ever had? It is likely that he knew my resolution, and determined to prevent my carrying it into execution.

         "Right. You know what his main troubles were?"

         I shook my head.

         "First, his enormous fear of death. Just look at the title of his book: An Oration on Death. If it hadn't been for that, we'd not have let him suffer so long.

         "Then, his lovely young wife. That's why I was there. He was full of lust for her, though he wouldn't admit it to himself, except in veiled ways. When she died, still a bride, he was filled with guilt, horror, and an opposing desire to join her. Except that in heaven they don't fuck, you know, and that bothered him. He never remarried — and that was the third thing. All those years, during the last part of the Second Great Awakening, so-called, he sublimated like crazy." Asmodeus lashed his tail. "There I go again, using these modern terms. I'm going to catch Heaven for that if I don't watch out. Anyway, he became an Enthusiast."

The same morning, after enjoying these wonderous refreshings from the spirit of God, as I believe, Satan again filled me with gloomy apprehensions, which was observed by the family.

         My father and brother being a little distance from the house, taking down an old building, my brother came in first, I believe, and my father afterwards, and requested me to go out and divert my mind with what they were about; which I engaged, and intended to do. But in sitting at the table my gloom and melancholy increased, and the power of Satan came on me so strong, that I felt myself hardly able to move. I retired immediately, for the purpose of prayer; — but feeling as though there was no mercy for me, and that I must sink down immediately to destruction."

         "Wishful thinking, again," Asmodeus said.

— I thought it would be a sin, for me to ask mercy for myself, — I inadvertently made an expression, that I had no thought of making; which, as I think, was wholly by the influence and power of Satan."

         "They call that "Turette's syndrome" nowadays, don't they? Asmodeus said, purring and grinning. "Sounds a good deal like what those Putnam relatives of yours were doing in Salem in the old days, doesn't it?"

         I remained in a very gloomy and melancholy state of mind all that day. My friends endeavored to comfort me. I said nothing of my attempting to pray. — In the evening I retired for secret prayer, as I ever had done — I was greatly beset by the Adversary, after going to bed. I believe that I prayed to God, and resisted Satan alternately the fore part of the night.

         Asmodeus yawned. "It's getting late," he said. "Let's go to bed. You can work on that stuff some more tomorrow."

Thursday, 29^th. Cara has been telling Rafe things. She has told him I have been talking with Wesley Catch; that I go into the library and sit among the books all day, seemingly doing nothing; and that in the evenings I sit downstairs at Uncle John's desk copying things out of old books. I suspect she has also told him I will not touch, or even go near her.

         This morning when Rafe came, Cara again did her vanishing act, so I knew what was coming. He began in a roundabout way, but as I was taciturn, he finally came directly to the point.

         "What is it, Charles?" He rapped his knuckles nervously on the tabletop. "Is it Norine's and Melanie's death?" He looked at me hard. "You can't go through life blaming yourself for that."

         "Why not?" I asked.

         He continued to stare at me. "What was in Norine's last letter? Cara's told me about the painting. I think you should get rid of it."

         "Don't tell him," Asmodeus said menacingly from the doorway.

         But before I had time to think about it I said, "I am in the possession of Asmodeus."

         Asmodeus yowled. Rafe started at the sound — so he can hear it too!

         "I think your cat has to go out," Rafe said. He got up, went to the middle door, opened it. Asmodeus shot out of it like smoke.

         "Now, what's all this b.s.? Some more of your literary and mythological allusions?" I could see he was inclined to take my remark none too seriously but was somewhat uncertain about it. He looked into my eyes piercingly, and he saw I wasn't joking.

         "Wesley Catch is Admodeus. He is putting you and Cara on, but he talks to me."

         Rafe shook his head in wonderment. He leaned on the table as he stood opposite. "You really believe that?" But he needn't have asked.

         "Okay," he said, "time for drastic action. Cara's told me about those screwy home remedies she's been brewing up for you because you won't see a doctor. But I'm no doctor. Do you trust me?"

         I looked at him. There seemed to be an aura of subdued light about him — the sunshine through the window, perhaps, but in looking at his fair countenance and the strong body with its posture of strength, I felt a deep sense of trust suffuse my blood, and I said, "Yes."

         "Good!" Rafe said. "I've told Cara to lay off the old wives' brews. Will you take therapy with me?"

         "What kind of therapy?"

         "I'm a trained psychologist. It will be hypnotherapy, and I've got to have your absolute cooperation. All right?"

         I hesitated.

         "Charles," he said, "I can get rid of Asmodeus for you. But I've got to have your confidence."

         I nodded.

         "All right, then," Rafe said in a gentle voice. "We'll start Saturday night. I want to look at some books of my own tomorrow." He held out his hand, and I took it. His grip was warm and strong. "Tell Cara I'll be seeing her." And he left.

         In the evening, as I was picking up Bodman's book, Asmodeus jumped upon his perch. "You'll be sorry for that. Mark my words," he hissed.

         I did not reply and began to read. Asmodeus settled down and stared balefully at me. I tried to ignore him, and to some degree I succeeded,, but whenever I chanced to look up I saw his eyes burning into my skull.

         Satan would now suggest to my mind distressing ideas of my guilt, in one or two inadvertent expressions. He then seemed to demand of me whether I had not expressed myself as he stated, in another case. I answered him that I did not know anything about it, and seemed to subjoin, that I did not care. He made answer in this way, — There's clear malice. — And upon this, he made me believe that I had committed the unpardonable sin; or very much fear that I had. Upon which a shower of blasphemies was suggested to my mind, such as I never before heard of, or even conceived of, though I have no idea that I uttered any thing aloud.

         This greatly affrighted me. He would endeavor to make me think that I was as much a blasphemer, as he was; and would string out his blasphemies, and call them mine: and try to make me think that I spoke them.

         "Turrette's syndrome," Asmodeus said.

         My distress was so great, after all this, that I believe that I sunk into a partial delirium. For, I had somewhat confused ideas of the place where I was: still, I was afraid — in my delirium — that I was undone forever.

         But Satan continued to cloud my mind with the most frightful and gloomy apprehensions; and dealt out his infernal suggestions with a liberal hand; for he overcame both body and mind, and caused me once more to sink into those dreadful agitations and convulsions of body, and distress of mind which I had before experienced, or, still more distressing than any thing before.

         This caused loud groans, and perhaps, strange noises, to break from my lips, while every part of my body was most violently shaken. And can you believe, O reader, that during all this time I had not any bodily pain, to my knowledge. O the great kindness of our God! How unsearchable are his ways!"

         "Unsearchable as Hell," I heard Asmodeus say.

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Sixteen

Part Sixteen

Friday, 23^rd. We stayed overnight in my old apartment. I made arrangements with the lawyer to have our things packed and our furniture stored pending settlement of the estate, and then to sell everything at auction. Rafe phoned Maine to make arrangements for the interment. In the place that Norine, Melany and I shared for six years I felt very strange. I slept in my den on the couch; Cara took the master bedroom upstairs, and Rafe stayed in Melany's room.

         I sat for a long while that night looking at my books — a wall of them ten feet high; my stereo set with very large speakers — a set of beautiful remote mono speakers in the living/diningroom, part of an outfit built aboard ship long ago, put together with loving c are by some of my shipmates and me: they had been reset in a neat fruitwood-stained cabinet built to match the two loaded record cabinets in the study.

         My desk — antique green, a reproduction of a colonial trestle desk; my contour lounger, also green; a birdseye maple table for typing, chair to match; a great, open-mouthed crock for a wastepaper basket; a braided rug in rusty oranges, browns, yellows and greens. An antique jug, brought back from Maine one summer, on one of the record cabinets, made into a lamp; on my desk: my father's tiffany-type lamp with a Gothic, angular green glass shade. The graceful chandelier of silver metal hanging from the high ceiling; a lavatory off the room; access, through a large closet, to the front hall of the 19th-century manse that had been converted to apartments, of which we had had the largest, located in the rear.

         I had locked myself in those days into my study nearly every night to write and study — perfectly private and alone. Above the studio couch there was a large pop-art painting of a headless nude secretary sitting at a typewriter — its creator a woman member of the College art department; facing it, a "construction" in wood, leather, copper, and brass over the two shelves that held more books and my stereo speakers — a bas-relief, really. I had bought it on impulse in Maine in the spring, when Norine and I had gone up to Uncle John's funeral. Although it could not be read easily, a Biblical inscription had been stamped into the copper: "By the rivers of Babylon we sat and we wept when we remembered you, O Zion."

         A Boston rocker.

         And, in the L-shaped living/dining room: an empire couch upholstered in tapestry; wall-to-wall carpeting, and a Persian rug overlaying it in the livingroom section. I wandered about during the night, touching woods and fabrics: two Victorian gentlemen's chairs, one done in green satin, the other restored, with its original flower-figured plush: Norine's darling, since we had seen its twin at the Old Mystic Seaport museum in Connecticut.

         And an oversized empire gout-chair, done over in Chinese red raised fabric. It had been given my father by some Latvian refugees he had personally sponsored for immigration after the Second World War. A large antique chest of drawers, a beehive clock with a painting on its glass panel and a quick chime — I would it and set it going, to hear the hours during the night. There were two tables: a tall refectory table that looked Medieval, but was not old, merely home-made: a spectacular piece manufactured by Norine's father, who had been a cabinet-maker. On it, a lovely, large, flower-shaped blue-glass shade with an art nouveau base; another glass-shaded lamp, yellow with delicate lead-work, stood on the chest.

         The other table was relatively new: a large cherry dining table; an old, dark-oak upright piano in the end of the room, where Melany had practiced her lessons.

         The "front" door that led onto a large, screened porch with flagstone floor; the yard — all our own, not the other tenants' — that swept along the side of the house and around in back; a black wrought-iron fence sealing us off from our neighbors' back yards. Truly, a good place to live in the middle of town. A farm in the country wouldn't have been much more private — even insurance salesmen had had a hard time finding us.

         Now all our furnishings would go at auction, where we had bought much of it. Norine had loved things, good, solid things, and I had often felt as though she were using them to wall me in, deeper and deeper among the drawers and shawls, the paintings hung on every wall, each an original, most by artists friends in the academic life through which we had moved so easily and comfortably for ten years.

         I had waked up at night sometimes, sweating, believing I was drowning in your great sleigh bed.

         During the night, on one of my pilgrimages among shadows and chairs, I lighted the two aquaria that stood before the windows that looked onto the porch. There were the fish swimming in their sleep, slowly fanning the water with their transparent fins: angel fish, a glass catfish, a loach that lived in a hut made of half a coconut shell. A black "shark" with red fins nuzzled the gravel; guppies in the smaller tank, and a blue beta with red markings, his flowing tail looking like the pennant on a caravel.

         I sat and watched there a long time — I had never felt at ease, except in Maine, without these silent shapes out of my childhood floating among the green water plants. I fed the fish. When they had eaten, I turned off the air pump, took a net, caught all of them, and flushed them down the toilet. I couldn't think of their starving in an empty house.

         The next day, Tuesday, the 20th, Cara, Rafe, and I went to the funeral parlor and Rafe said the service. Quite a few people from the college were there — colleagues and friends. The last I had seen of some of them had been at the Labor Day picnic at the college park Most of them had known both Norine and me, and some of them remembered Cara as a student. There was no tension — all of these things had happened before at the school. In the six years we had spent here there had been many more than one divorce or separation. We could remember a young faculty wife's suicide because her husband had taken a student — the wife herself had been her husband's student at another school, and she had taken him away from his previous wife. We could remember deaths of all kinds. We knew that young faculty members of both sexes had married, or been divorced and married colleagues' wives, students, secretaries — no one seemed to blame me for what had happened. Or, if they did, nothing showed. We were formally polite, and I could see that some of our friends were genuinely sorry.

         Afterwards, Rafe drove the station wagon up to the rear entrance of the funeral parlor and we put the two urns aboard. I told the undertaker the lawyer would handle the bills, and we left.

         We drove relatively slowly back to the farm, and it was ten p.m. when we got back. When we drove into the dooryard we were greatly relieved — at least I was. As we had driven, I felt the burden lying heavily at my back. Rafe and Cara and I drove in shifts, and I was glad to take the wheel so that I could think about the road.

         The closer we got to Frankfort, the darker the day became, and the evening, which finally thickened into night. Wesley Catch met us on the doorstep.

         The next morning, at nine, October 21st, we drove the short distance to the cemetery where four men were waiting at the opening which had been dug beside Uncle John's grave. Rafe and I helped them insert the urns. There were no spectators besides Cara and Wesley Catch, who had come over the fields to join us. Rafe said, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Lord, we ask you to give these souls rest." He and I both sprinkled a handful of soil, and we left the men to their work.

         I have been thinking about the voices I heard when last I saw Norine and Melany. It occurs to me that they were as real as those Manoah Bodman heard when he spoke to the Principalities and Powers. They were not audible, but they rang sharply as bells in the center of my brain. I am beginning to understand that the earth is filled with voices. They speak to us everywhere, in all manners of ways. I look back through this journal, and I do not see words, I hear voices, including my own, rising out of the pages like an eternal carillon. Even when I close the book, murmurs seep out at the edges to tell me who they are and what I am.

         The books in the library speak to me, ask me to open them. At my old home, in my study, on my shelves I had pasted a line from a poem: "I know the poems on my shelves speak to me in an / ancient language / I have somehow forgotten." And in looking through the old scrapbook Norine sent me out of the past I find three voices in a short paragraph: that of a child who was somehow once myself, that of my mother, and an echo belonging to the Nameless:

HIS SISTER'S GHOST

As told to me by my Mother.

         A man went out to the cottage of his dead sister. On the porch stood several milk-bottles. Suddenly, in the garden, a gray apparition appeared and walked slowly toward him. He recognized the form as that of his dead sister. He then picked up a milk bottle and threw it at the ghost. It disappeared and he was not again bothered.

         I have been reading Bodman's Oration on Death again. He had yet another terrible struggle, which I will omit here except for some short passages that give a glimpse of Bodman's family in the midst of this turmoil:

         My father and brother being a little distance from the house, taking down an old building, my brother came in first, I believe, and my father afterwards, and requested me to go out and divert my mind with what they were about; which I engaged, and intended to do.

But Satan intervened once more.

         During this period of distress, the family were called up, and were much alarmed at my situation. This was in the dead of night; and it appeared to me that Satan would immediately tear me in pieces; which he seemed to threaten to do; and I was really afraid it would take place before the morning light. — My mother standing by my bedside, it now appears to me, was earnest in prayer — she asked me if I could pray for myself? when, I believe, I made an attempt to pray. But still I was afraid to have my brother leave the chamber, for fear I should be torn to pieces in his absence.

         Tomorrow I must do some more on my novel. I must. Cara has given me some Bryony Water to help me sleep. I can no longer make love.

Sunday, 25^th.

The Book of the Black Heart

Chapter Five: The Gunner's Story

         It was the Gunner's mount the sailors were using that night to spin their sea stories on, as the carrier plowed through the star-bitten Pacific, and it was the Gunner's turn.

         "Looking back on things," he said, "I guess life had been pretty good, at least for me, until my old man kicked the bucket. I might've even been able to live with that if I hadn't found out how he died one night when my mother thought I was asleep and got yakking to her best friend, somebody she'd known since she was in school.

         "Dad used to take me out to the lake for a day's fishing. We'd float around out there, just dangling our lines and hauling in the black bass. When we got tired we'd lie back in the bottom of our big, flat-bottomed scow, pull our straw hats down over our eyes, and let the sun beat down on us. Man, that was the life. We'd be stripped to the waist and sweating like horses. I could feel the sun soothing the muscles where they ached from being bent over the side of the boat. The smell of the fish we'd caught mixed with the pinewood smell of the scow. It was sort of like a nice form of ether and made me doze off.

         "Every now and then a shore breeze would blow by, and we could smell the woods that bordered the lake. The breeze would rumple around our heads for a few minutes, and just as we'd be getting used to it, it would stop and the sun would beat down as hard as ever.

         "Once in a while a horsefly would buzz around me and finally decide to land. You have to slap 'em fast or they get away and pretty soon come back to pester you again.

         "After a while the breezes would start to come up more often and the sides of the boat would block off the sun, and we'd know it was time to go home. Dad would row all the way to shore while I sat and watched the last of the sun glint on his skin. There would be purple splotches in the sky over the wood, and the ripples in the water were gold.

         "I was always first out of the scow. I'd sprint over the side, splash into the water, and wade the last few feet to the beach. The sand felt good. And then I'd watch Dad as he got our gear out of the boat and walked toward me. Before he caught up with me I'd stretch till I felt my bones creak, and then lead the way along the path through the woods.

         We had to walk along this pine-needle path to get to Dad's jalopy. Sometimes we'd stop and listen to the wind in the big trees, or look for animals or birds. Sometimes there was a stray bee on its last trip back to the hive.

         "But then he died. I was there when they brought him in off the lake. After that I used to have a hard time getting to sleep. I'd go to bed and just lay there listening to my heard pump blood. If my mom checked on me I'd keep my eyes closed and make like I was in Dreamland.

         "One night I heard my mother in the hall whispering to somebody, and then she opened the door a crack and I heard her say, 'Doesn't he look cunning, all curled up in bed like that? Oh, you wouldn't believe what an imp he can be sometimes, not when you see him like this, the little angel. You'd never believe he has bad dreams sometimes, poor dear, ever since his dad died in that accident.' I heard her sigh.

         "'Poor Sally,' her friend said — I think her name was Smith, Alice Smith. 'You've had a hard life, but it's coming out all right, isn't it? You've hooked another one, haven't you? That's why I dropped in. I'm dying to hear all about it.'

         "'Oh, all right,' I heard mom giggle. 'But you've got to promise never to tell anybody. Some people might misunderstand, but I know you won't. I stirred. 'Sshh,' she whispered. "Come into the living room before he wakes up. Honestly, I never get a minute to myself any more. Come on. I'll tell you how I reeled him in.'

         "When they closed the door again I got up and snuck out to the hall. I heard them in the living room, so I eased on down to the doorway and listened.

         "'Beer?' mom asked, 'or something stronger?"

         "'Stronger,' Mrs. Smith said. I chanced a look around the corner and I could see them sitting sideways to me. I could see Alice was all ears. 'What's he like?' she asked.

         "'Oh, he's great!' Mom got up to mix martinis. 'He's a big brute of a fella, with fat freckled cheeks and a grin as wide as a pound of bacon. Rrrufff!'

         "'Tell me more! Where'd you meet him?' Alice took her drink as mom settled into the scatter pillows on the couch. She rolled her eyes and faked a look around her for spies. I ducked.

         "'Don't tell a soul, now promise?' Alice gave a nod full of quick breaths. 'Actually,' mom said in what was supposed to be a low voice, 'I met him before big Mark died. Oh! He swept me right off my feet one day at Danny's Lunch downtown. He just up and sat down at my table — the place was crowded, and the next thing I knew, his knees were nudging me so cute-like while we ate our noodle soup. Oh,' she laughed, 'he's such a card. Just like a little boy, even though he's so big.' She rolled her eyes again. I sat down on the floor in the hall and didn't look at them any more.

         "'Goodness, that's so romantic,' Alice Smith said. I could imagine her teats bobbing and her face flushing. I didn't have to see. 'How I envy you!' she said in little breaths.

         "'Till then I'd just been feeling like any old sack. Mark never paid any attention to me, you know. All he ever wanted to do was take junior fishing. Honestly. Two ten-year-olds in the house was too much.' She giggled again and was quiet while she sipped her drink. In the corner the teevee belched and flickered — I could see the shadows coming out into the hall. Then mom said, 'So, while my two boys were out fishing, Harry would come visit me. I fell for him hook, line, and sinker.

         "'Well, this went on for about a month. I was getting about ready to get a lawyer when what should happen one day but Mark — big Mark I mean — walked in the door early from work.'

         "'No' said Mrs. Smith. I took a quick peek — the one eye I could see what as big and bright as a light bulb.

         "'Oh, yes,' said mother, 'and there we were all over the parlor rug, my skirts up around my hips and Harry huffing all over me, snorting like a....'" The Gunner stopped a minute to listen to the sea. Then, "Bull," he said.

         "'In a minute it was all over,' mom told Mrs. Smith. 'Mark got all red in the face and Harry got up. He was laughing. Oh, he knows how to take things. He zipped himself up and got ready for a fight.'

         "'Then what happened?' I heard Mrs. Smith gasp.

         "'Nothing. Mark just walked over to the closet and got his rod and things.'

         "'Rod!'

         "'Rod and reel.' Mom was quiet for another second. Then, '"I'm going fishing," Mark said. In his business suit, no less. '"In your business suit?" I asked. By this time I was decent again. But he didn't answer. He just walked to the door and out, and that's the last I saw of him.'

         "'Alive, anyhow.' I heard mom sip her drink and saw the flare of her lighter as she lit a cigarette. 'After big Mark left, about ten minutes later, maybe, little Mark came in just as Harry was about to leave. He just barely missed us finishing up the job big Mark had interrupted. I think he suspected something anyhow. He gave Harry a funny look and said, "Pop home yet?" I told him he'd gone fishing.

         "Without me?" Then he was out the door like a flash.' "I got up and went back to my room then," the Gunner said. "I slammed the door — I didn't give a shit if they heard me. Mom came in 'What was that door slamming?' she asked me, but I didn't answer. I just kept laying on the bed staring and remembering that day. I don't know how long mom stood there asking me how much I heard, I didn't even do anything when she shook me and bounced me up and down in the bed and slapped me. She finally stopped screaming and crying, and after a while there was the lake again, and it was late in the afternoon. something was wrong. I'd been running, or maybe pedaling my bike. I don't know how I got to the lake, because it was quite a way — I just knew I had to catch up.

         "By the time I was standing on the strip of beach I could feel the night starting to come on — the moon was already up flopping around in the tops of the pines like a sunfish. My legs hurt, and I couldn't breathe — it was like there was water in my chest. I looked for our scow, and it was out there, but there was something funny about it. And then I saw — it was upside-down, and there were a bunch of heads bobbing around it, and another boat. I started in to yell, 'Dad! Dad!' but nobody paid me any attention. Only when I took off my shoes and started to run into the water somebody grabbed me and said, 'Stay here, boy. They'll have him soon.'

         "But the moon was high before they brought him in, all soggy, and his eyes staring at me in the dark. His feet were all wound up in line and his metal gear box was caught in the line too. They all just stood around and looked at him, and sometimes they'd look at me too, and then away. I waited for something to happen, but nobody did anything. 'Why don't you all do something? Help him, help him! Jesus!' I said, but they all just shook their heads.

         ""'It's no use, son. He's been down there for three hours anyway, ' somebody said, a cop I think. 'The ambulance will be here soon.'

         "But I looked at him and I saw something. 'No, no, he's alive, don't you see?' I said. 'Look, his heart's beating, his heart...'

         "I managed to rip away from the guy that was holding me, and I fell down beside Dad and put my ear on his chest. I could feel it. His heart thumping, almost jumping out of his chest, trying to keep going. It was slimy wet against my ear, it was wriggling and squirming, even though you could see his face was beginning to bloat and it was all blue. I hugged him and looked up at them all standing around. 'Oh, Jesus, won't you help him!' I screamed. 'Look, his heart!' I tore open his shirt, still with his tie on.

         "And you could see it squirming and wiggling, see it with your naked eyes, — a fish caught in his undershirt, a big black bass, fighting to cut loose but losing, its head stuck out near the armpit, its bulgy eyes like to moons staring down at me out of the sky, out of the pines that reeled off into a dark voice that said, 'I wonder what mom will say when we get home for supper.' And then no more dreams, nothing," said the Gunner, "except night and the smell of pine."

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Fifteen

Part Fifteen

Friday, 16^th. Today Rafe stayed at coffee a bit longer than he had planned. I read him my Bodman entry of yesterday and asked him what he thought of it.

         "Obviously a fanatic," he said.

         I mulled that over my coffee cup a while. "What's your idea of a fanatic?"

         Rafe made a short, laughing sound. "Okay, Charles, what's up?" He turned to Cara who was sitting at the table holding her coffee cup to her lips with both hands, elbows on the table. "Is he trying to trap me or what?"

         Cara shrugged and slowly shook her head. "Who knows what Charles is ever up to?" She grinned at me. Rafe cleared his throat.

         "Just answer the question," I said. "What's a 'fanatic'? And how can you sit there with all that light in your eyes?" It was a bright day, and the side of the table where Rafe was sitting was drowned in sunlight.

         "I like it." He stretched like a cat and shoved the hair out of his eyes. "A fanatic is one who is obsessed with a single idea or point of view."

         "What happens if his point of view happens to be the correct point of view?"

         Rafe sat up. "According to whom?"

         "According to him, naturally."

         "Wouldn't that," Cara said, "just prove he's a fanatic?"

         "Okay," I didn't mind that tack, "then according to anybody you care to name." I could see a wary look coming into Rafe's baby blue mooneyes.

         "Including people who agree with him, you mean?"

         I shrugged.

         "Then he wouldn't be a fanatic," Cara said. "To them, I mean."

         "To whom is he one, then?" They were both beginning to squirm a bit.

         "Okay, Charles." Rafe sighed. "He's a fanatic to those who disagree with him."

         "Just disagree with him?"

         "No, he'd be called a crank by most people — those who didn't particularly give a damn." Rafe touched his cup. "Or just quirky. I see where you're leading, Charles. You want me to say, 'to those who disagree with him violently.'"

         "Right. Would they be fanatics too?"

         "Yes."

         "Are you a man in the middle?" Cara asked.

         Rafe really laughed. "Don't you get down on me too, Cara," he said. "No, I'm not. I disagree with him violently — Bodman, that is."

         "You do choose unfortunate combinations of words sometimes. Forgive him, Cara." I grinned broadly at them both. "And I rest my case," I said.

         "Cut it out, Charles." Rafe flushed. "And Bodman's wrong!" He rapped the table.

         "In what way?" I was still grinning, I'm afraid.

         "Shit, Charles, what are these 'delusions' he's talking about?"

         "He spoke with God, and with angels, but they were all really the devil and his minions masquerading as holy, invisible being."

         "The man was obviously a mental case."

         I inserted the dagger neatly. "Didn't you once tell me you became a minister because you felt you had established contact with 'something at the center of thins,' or words to that effect? Well, that's not much different than talking directly to Central Control, is it?"

         Rafe practically gagged on his tongue, and Cara had to muffle her amusement.

         "The man's a maniac!"

         "Don't let the natives hear you say that. But according to what system of values is he a screwball?"

         "Modern psychology tells you — "

         "In his day they didn't have 'modern psychology.' They had angels and devils. That was their system.

         Rafe was getting eager. His cashmere was in danger of sopping up his coffee. "He was a deluded man. He hallucinated."

         Cara pointed out something I'd planned on — "Bodman admits that himself, doesn't he?" She glanced over at me.

         "Sure," Rafe said, "but he thinks his fantasies were caused by the Devil, which is a delusion on its own."

         "That's the cause in his system. What is it in yours?" I asked.

         "Who knows? — trauma, fear of death, guilt...."

         "Aren't those the same as angels and devils?"

         Rafe snorted. "Of course not. They are natural causes."

         "Well, but in Bodman's day, so were angels and devils 'natural' in a sense."

         "You're not being scientific," Rafe pointed out, rather aggressively, I felt.

         "Are you?"

         "I hope so. Bodman's delusions were those of a religious fanatic."

         I had him. "I thought you told me once that you decided to become a minister when you realized that psychology was merely modern religion?"

         He sat back, astonished. Cara laughed, full of delight.

         "You rat," he said.

         "Two religious fanatics, operating by different systems — by the way, which quote scientific unquote discipline do you follow, the Freudian or the Jungian? — two screwballs following different paths, but both dealing with the same problems and coming up with the same answers, but using different terms — sort of like Baptists and Presbyterians. Were Bodman's delusions less real to him than those of an acid head?

         Rafe shook his head.

         "What's real is what we experience or believe," I said. "Do you believe in God?"

         "Yes," Rafe said, slowly, carefully, "I do."

         "So did Bodman, and a man named Ferguson. Not to mention Pythagoras."

         Cara looked up. "Who's Ferguson?"

         "Oh," — I fiddled with my cup — "he was an astronomer who pointed out the logic and rationality of the physical universe, backed it with scientific data and mathematical calculations, and said that God had done it all, and everything is heading toward ultimate perfection."

         Rafe and Cara and I just sat there for a while longer, and then Rafe went to school.

Saturday, 17^th. As I was trying to finish reading Bodman's book today, I recalled an entry in my scrapbook, which I got out and read:

A DYING MAN'S TESTIMONY

As told to me by my father.

         A member of our Church, S——- C————, lay dying of cancer at the Meriden Hospital. My father was at his bedside along with the dying man's brother, sister-in-law and another member of the clergy, Rev. B—— T——-. Suddenly the dying man's face lit up in a way that could only be described as angelic. Then he said to his brother, "A———, we have a nice choir at the church, but his is the real choir." He referred to the heavenly choir. He told my Father that Jesus was sitting at the foot of his bed. Then be began to sing an Italian funeral hymn.

         My father then approached him and said, "S——-, it is true, then, what the Apostle Paul said, 'To live is a loss!'" Rev. T——- then approached and asked if S——- wished them to pray for him. "You may if you wish," he answered, "but I am able to pray for myself."

         S——- did not die than but lingered on for an additional three weeks constantly calling for his mother and in a terrible mental depression. No one knows why.

Thursday, 22^nd. I am not sure I can yet put in order what has happened during these past few days since I wrote my last entry. I must be slow and precise, as though I took no part in what has occurred, so that I can look at the page, when I have done, and perhaps divine meaning from events made into words, for evens have no meanings of their own.

         Very early Sunday morning, October 18th — around 3 or 4 a.m. — Cara and I were awakened by someone pounding and calling at the doors downstairs. Cara was the first to wake, and she came into my room, huddled in a housecoat, to rouse me. She shook me till I came to; she was hissing, "Charles, Charles! There's someone downstairs. Charles!" I recall jumping out of bed and standing there. Though my eyes were wide open, I was really still more asleep than awake, but alarm had me reaching for a bathrobe before awareness hit me. I hurried downstairs with Cara right behind me.

         The pounding had stopped — they had evidently seen the lights go on. Cara and I hurried through the ell and opened the kitchen door. A large Maine state trooper was standing there. Behind him in the dooryard a patrol car was parked, lights on and engine running. The car's exhaust in the chill fall night glowed with swirling red reflections of the tail lights.

         "Charles Ally?" It was more a statement than a question. I nodded. He stepped in. I held the door for him and closed it behind him. He saw Cara and took off his hat, firing a sharp glance at her, then at me.

         "We've had the devil's own time finding you, Mr. Ally." He hesitated. "The New York State Police finally tracked you down and notified us you were in Frankfort. We've had to wake half the town to find someone who knows you. I'm afraid I have bad news."

         He hesitated again, let his eyes slide away from us. I saw them widen slightly as he took in Cara's plant life. Just then another car drove into the yard and parked — the headlamp beams broke across the kitchen windows and went out. A door slammed. Cara moved to the door and had it open as Rafe reached the doorstep.

         Rafe entered and said, "Hello, Charles, Cara." He nodded at the officer, who returned the greeting with a dip of his head.

         "He's the neighbor who knew you," the trooper said. "Where's your car?" For a moment I didn't realize he was speaking to me.

         "They're both in the barn."

         "We looked for New York plates first off. When we couldn't find them — sorry to bother you, Rev. Hawkins."

         Rafe made a deprecatory gesture with his hand.

         "What's the trouble?" Cara had come up to us again, and we stood in a semicircle before the officer.

         He sighed. "No use beating about the bush. Mr. Ally, yesterday, Saturday, your wife and daughter were involved in an auto accident."

         Cara clutched my arm.

         "They're both dead," he said. Silence. "I'm sorry, Mr. Ally."

         No one said anything. We just stood there. I saw nothing but the trooper's face — it took over the whole room, blooming like a mallow in the yellow light. I felt something touch my leg. Wesley Catch meowed softly once.

         My knees buckled and I reached for a chair. There was a knot of ice at the core of me. I sat down.

         "You're to get in touch with the local police in New York — what's the name of the college town? — as soon as possible. Immediately." He turned and went to the door, put his hand on the knob. "I'm sorry," he said, rather hoarsely. And he went out. The patrol car backed out and drove away.

         Rafe came over to stand before me. Cara stood behind, hands on my shoulders.

         "Charles," he said, "this isn't the time to tell you how I feel. It can't begin to touch you now. We'd better simply get moving. We'll take my c ar, and I'll drive. I'll go home, phone the police to tell them we're coming, and pack a few things. Cara," he looked past me, "you throw some things into a couple of suitcases. You get yourself and Charles dressed. I'll be back in twenty minutes." He went to the door, stopped, and turned around. "I'll have to notify the college, too, that I'll be gone a few days." This was murmured, addressed mainly to himself.

         Within a half hour we were in the car, moving through the darkness in the wake of the headlamps as they cut through rural mists and back roads over to Route One — the bridge into Bath, and then highways through Brunswick, past Portland, down through the neck of New Hampshire.

         I remember lights — neon, reflectors, very few cars — nearly nothing but the broken white lines coming at us down the road, slipping past on the left side. It was beginning to grow light by the time we got into Massachusetts, and it was morning when we got to Manoah Bodman's home area: hills, the Berkshires. We passed into New York State and went right, heading upstate at Albany. The sun was up and my eyes hurt. I've afraid I dozed sometimes, or at least sank into a stupor — shock, I suppose. It was nearing noon when we got into town and checked with the police.

         As Norine had been an only child, both parents deceased, I was nearest of kin except for some aunts, uncles, and cousins on the west coast, so a lawyer had been handling things. The police gave us his name and address, told us which funeral parlor we were to go to. We went to the undertaker's first. He had had his instructions from the lawyer, and the funeral was to be held the next day — Tuesday. What arrangements did I want to make for interment?

         Cara and Rafe looked at me. I don't know what made me say it — I hadn't thought about anything. "Not here," I said. "Frankfort. There are family plots in the cemetery up the road just off our property."

         The funeral director looked annoyed, began to say something about the lawyer — arrangements had been undertaken — how did we plan to move the deceased....

         Rafe cut him off. "We'll do as Mr. Ally wishes. He's living in Maine now and would like his family near him. My car is a large station wagon. We should be able to manage it."

         The undertaker was astonished.

         "We won't need much room," I said. "The bodies are to be cremated."

         "I will officiate at the services here," Rafe said. "I'm a minister."

         The undertaker nodded thinly on his thin neck and washed his hands of the whole affair. "Which church will you use?" he asked.

         "No church," I said. "Here. In this place."

         The undertaker widened his eyes. "Would you like to view the departed?" he asked.

         "Yes, can you arrange that?" He didn't understand, but Cara and Rafe did. I was sorry immediately. There was distaste in their expressions.

         "Certainly." We followed him into a large parlor, and he left us with the coffins, dropping an official word of comfort of some sort.

         I looked down at Norine. She appeared to be composed of plaster — a statue of a statue. Her hair looked like a wig made of coarse brown thread. I think perhaps it was just that — I'm not even sure it was Norine. Her eyes were closed, but I knew she was looking at me, not necessarily from where she lay. "Now do it, Charles," I heard her voice say in my head. "This is the way you always wanted me, isn't it? I'd like you to do it now."

         I stepped back. "No?" she said. "Well, then, we'll just have to wait."

         I began to walk away, but Rafe grabbed me by the arm. "Melany," he said. I began to tear away, but I realized I had to look.

         "Daddy," the little doll in the box said. "Daddy, I hurt myself. I'm sorry."

         I must have begun to weep, because I heard my own voice say very hoarsely — as though I were strangling. — "No wake. No visiting hours. Only the service. And I want those lids closed.

         Cara buried her head in my shirtfront and cried silently, holding me tightly around the arms.

         I can't think about it any more today. I'll write tomorrow, when this old house has begun to fold us in again.

The Journal of Charles Ally, Part Fourteen

                                                                                 Part Fourteen

October 13th, 1970

My dear Norine,

         I have been doing some writing while I've been here, and a good deal of reading. I ran across an old portrait of you in an ancient book, an 1801 London anthology of poetry called Elegant Extracts, which I know will in itself please your sense of ego. It's a portion of a poem by Otway here titled, "Description of a Hag":

         In a close lane, as I pursu'd my journey,

I spied a wither'd hag, with age grown double,

Picking dry sticks, and mumbling to herself;

Her eyes with scalding rheum were gall'd and red,

Cold palsy shook her head, her hand seem'd wither'd, And on her crooked shoulders had she wrapp'd

The tatter'd remanants of an old strip'd hanging,

Which serv'd to keep her carcase from the cold:

So there was nothing of apiece about her.

         I pause here to point out that last line might also read, equally appropriately, "So there was nothing of a piece about her."

Her lower weeds were all o're coarsely patch'd

With different colour'd rags, black, red, white, yellow,

How well I recall your taste in dress!

And seem'd to speak variety of wretchedness.

         Ten years' worth. You were never a wife, and over the years you grew colder, till you were chill as stone in a sepulchre. But I stray. In leafing further through the Extracts I ran across a Ben Jonson transcript of one of your conversations with friends and relatives (I had no idea you were that old, dear, though I know you fibbed a little when we first dated):

1 Witch. I have been all day looking after

         A raven feeding upon a quarter;

         And, soone as she turn'd her back to the south,

         I snatch'd this morsel out of her mouth.

2 Witch. I have beene gathering wolves hairs,

         The mad dogges foame, and adders eares;

         The spurging of a deadman's eyes:

         And all since the evening starre did rise.

3 Witch. I last night lay all alone

         O' the ground, to heare the mandrake grone;

         And pluckt him up, though he grew full low:

         And, as I had done, the cocke did crowe.

         Unfortunately, Jonson hasn't identified the speakers, but this last one above has many familiar overtones.

4 Witch. And I h'been chusing out this scull;

         From charnell-houses that were full:

         From private grots and publick pits:

         And frighted a sexton out of his wits.

5 Witch. Under a cradle I did creepe

         By day, and, when the childe was a-sleepe

         At night, I suck'd the breath; and rose,

         And pluck'd the nodding nurse by the nose.

6 Witch. I had a dagger; what did I with that?

         Killed an infant to have his fat:

         A piper it got, at a church-ale:

         I bade him again blow wind in the taile.

7 Witch. A murderer, yonder, was hung in chaines;

         The sunne and the wind had shrunk his veines:

         I bit off a ninew; I clipp'd his hair;

         I brought off his ragges, that dan'd I' the ayre.

8 Witch. The scritch-owles egges, and the feathers blacke,

         The bloud of the frogge, and the bone in his backe,

         I have been getting, and made of his skin

         A purset, to keep sir Cranion in.

9 Witch. And I ha' been plucking (plants among)

         Hemlock, henbane, adders-tongue,

         Night-shade, moon-wort, libbards bane;

         And twice by the goddes was like to be tane.

10 Witch. I from the jaws of a gardiner's bitch

         Did snatch these bones, and then leap'd the ditch:

         Yet went back to the house againe,

         Kill'd the blacke cat, and here is the braine.

11 Witch. I went to the toade, breeds under the wall,

         I charmed him out, and he came at my call;

         I scratch'd out the eyes of the owle before;

         I tore the batts wings: what would you have more?

Dame. Yes: I have broughte, to help your vows,

         Horned poppie, cypress boughes,

         A fig-tree wild, that grows on tombes,

         And juice that from the larch-tree comes,

         The basiliskes bloud, and the vipers skin;

         And now our orgies let's begin.

         All my love to Melanie,

Charles

Wednesday, 14^th. Today I mailed the letter and made love to Cara. We made love again and again, till our bodies ached. After I came back from the post office and Rafe had gone, I simply took her clothes off and we made love everywhere, naked all day — on the rug before the hearth, on the beds and couches, Wesley Catch watching our strange activity languidly; standing before mirrors. I took her in any position that came to hand: on her belly, knees-and-hands, squatting or on a side.

         We did not eat till late evening, and then we gorged ourselves on canned goods, fruit, leftovers — anything that took no time: a glorious day. I am healed. Cara has wept and many times cried out. And when all was spent, we lay on the rug, made rose by firelight, and we opened another of Wesley Court's letters:

                                                                        "Lowell March 28 1860

"Friend Charles

         "I received your letter this morning, & as it happens to be Wednesday night & I am at liberty I thought I would answer. I am going to tell you all the news. I smashed my hand very bad yesterday between two bbls of flour.

"This is some news

         "I went down on the Merrimack corporation to see the Harris Girls & Miss Palmer — had a nice time you better believe.

"This is two news

         "The wind blew so like the old harry that the girls had to keep there draws legs close down, to keep the dirt out of their shoes

"This is three news

         "I am up in Wilder & Shunts counting room, waiting for robbins my room mate to go up on the Merrimack St. to see the Fashions

"This is four news

         "It is not pleasant here no night, has been raining some just enough to lay the dust

"This is five news

         "There is to be a lecture at Huntington Hall to night by a blind man — the subject is What a blind man saw in England but I shant go

         "You did not say any thing about the girls. I guess you dont have much to do with them, If I was there I would make them step lively Ile bet

 

"This is Seven news

         "I got a letter from Kate when I got yours, she wrote about the same news as you

"This is eight news

         "It is geting late I must stop         this is enough news for you

"Good by Charles write soon"

         Cara will sleep in my bed tonight.

Thursday, 15^th. Cara has spent the day resting. I've been with Manoah Bodman part of the day, and part I have spent in tramping the riverbanks and the woods. The fall colors are at their zenith now. For a while this morning I sat on one of the firs that reach out over the river and watched the tide moving swiftly between the clay banks. The almost constant motion of the river keeps the water dark with silt, but if one holds a steady eye on a single spot, sometimes there will be movement in the depths — a long shape slipping silently against the current and disappearing in the eddies.

         The odors of Maine in the Autumn are filled with an overwhelming nostalgia, but when I examine the source of the feeling, I can find no memories on which to base it. As far back as I can recall, the same sensations have been evoked by each New England Fall, and my pursuit of cause recedes as into mirrors reflecting mirrors, till I come to nothing more than blood's memory moving through arteries as the tide moves beneath my feet. It is like the yellow harvest moon over a sea of clouds, a moon that swells to bursting and then turns to a sickle scything among fields of stars.

         By exactly what means Bodman came to believe that he was the victim of unholy deceptions he does not relate, but

Suffice it to say, that in the course of events, I was convinced, and effectually convinced, that these were all the delusions of Satan. And that, although, mankind never could have convinced me, the Lord alone, made a short work of it! — In this, there were no supernatural voices, or communications, from God.

         As soon as I was convinced, I instantly concluded to stand on the defensive; and under God, to defy all the powers of darkness.

         A dreadful conflict ensued. Soon, however, I began to experience refreshing views, as I thought, from the heavenly world.

Bodman now discovered how paltry his previous experiences had been

when compared with the real thing:

         The heavens seemed almost to open to my view. These things appeared wholly spiritual, and of the same nature of what I received in early life, before I fell under my late delusions, but very different from them. — The views I now had seemed to resemble those which St. Stephen had. But my dreadful conflict soon began. — I was quickly assaulted by the powers of darkness, and every thing which their horrid minds could invent, was suggested or conveyed to my mind.

         As long as I could hold, in my own view, my innocence, I could stand against them: but they heap'd such a load of these wicked expressions upon me, that I sunk under them. The impressions were so strong and violent that they made me to realize them in some measure, and to consider them as my own.

         The colossal struggle between Bodman and the infernal hosts went on and on, waxing and waning, for a considerable period, the visionary rejecting, with varying degrees of success, the Devil's accusation that he had committed "the unpardonable sin." Eventually, at one point Bodman

...went home to my father's house in company with my brother.... My brother then observed to me, that I had not committed the unpardonable sin: but that it was the work of Satan, in trying to make me believe it, or drive me to it. Likewise my brother observed; that he did not believe that God made any such communications to us, as I had represented — This gave me great relief; my brother still accompanied me to my father's house, and in the evening prayed with the family; and when requesting of God, that he would give his holy angels charge concerning us that night, Satan, by his cruel suggestion to me, made answer: All but you, I'll take care of you.

         Either the next morning, or shortly thereafter, Bodman had another great encounter with the Angel of Darkness while he was sitting at home in a chair:

It threw me into a nervous kind of convulsions, which I knew was wholly effected by Satan. — The people in the neighborhood were gathered, expecting that I was about to make my exit, or lose my reason, or some terrible occurrence was about to take place. The shakings that I had were successive and very violent. Satan would say, or suggest to me, that he would shake me into hell the next time. I had my reason so well, that I was sensible that it was the power of Satan that affected me. I believe he caused me to articulate words that I had no kind of agency in. These words, however, I suppose were not sinful, but only frightful. The minister and physician of the parish were both sent for. When it was asked if I was willing to hear the minister pray, I answered, I have no objection, but it will do no good, as I am going right down to endless destruction. He prayed with me, however, and my mind became more calm.

         The physician bled me. And Satan's power ceased for a time. And here I would observe, according to my best recollection, that in all those violent agitations and convulsions of body, there was no pain attending them.